Declaration of His Love

Tuesday, April 11, 2006   7:48 PM

Well, things have been a little strange. Mostly due to myself! I don't know why, but I sent Jim an e-mail about wanting me back. I was referring to his physical state and hoping I could get him into better shape. What I wasn't expecting was a phone call where he declared his love. That we were his family. That he would do whatever it took to come home. He e-mailed me and quite frankly for the first time in a long time I was terrified! I didn't know if I wanted him here. I didn't know if I wanted any man.

I knew there were a lot of reasons I was happy not having a man around. I didn't have to worry about sex pressure. I didn't have to worry about messing up for someone else. I didn't have to listen to someone else complain about me. About how I didn't raise my kids right. Perform right. Be perfect. I didn't have to chat about my bladder leakage. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. It freaked me out! And although I love Jim, I wasn't prepared for this. It really did scare me. Although I was able to tell him I did love him I couldn't tell him I wanted him here yet.

In fact by the next phone call, I told him I didn't want him living with me. He agreed and we talked about it a while and decided we did do well apart. He mentioned taking the kids and me getting a break. That he loved us and missed us. He wanted to live life. He wanted in my life. He didn't want to stay in bed any more. It was great, but it was also hard to believe. He choked up and I knew he meant what he said in the way we all do when we wish we could do things differently. I expressed several times over the next few days that I just couldn't take him on his word. And just when I thought we settled something he would then call again anxious and uncertain because I hadn't told him I wanted him back.

It is hard and complicated.

This evening things didn't go as well because he didn't hear, again, what he wanted to hear. Then things went sideways with his criticism. He talked about my not having compassion. Not wanting him. My being happy without him. It is not easy.

On the home front: The boys have started a new 3rd/4th grade workbook. They seem to like it. I like it. No papers to run off. When our Math book gets here we will be set. Today it went so fast they didn't even take a break! I don't expect it will happen too often! J

I have two new pen pals. One in the US and one in the UK. There is a nice lady from France who is writing to me - regular mail. It should be neat.  Chatted to Tess on the computer. Talked to my mom yesterday. She didn't sound too good. She wasn't too into doing anything for Easter and that is fine. Today, however, she called and said she rethought it. Tess said she seemed to be feeling better. So, we will have our Easter baskets and egg hunt here and then go out there (Dog Canyon) Sun afternoon. That should be good.

No word on how Aunt Shelley has been. No word on Mark Allen in AZ. I hope both are ok.

I finished my new picture frames of the boys when they were born. Faith is next. Then I am not sure what I will do. It is neat. What good are all the photos if no one ever sees them! So, I am making a collage in big picture frames. It is neat.

My sister hasn't gotten a job yet and it is concerning her at this point. I hope she gets something here soon.

Well, Jim is on the phone. Going to go. Love to my bugs! SM MacLeod J