Assignment #6 - Dr. Phil

Assignment #6

Saturday, April 29, 2006    7:40 PM

The 5 most frustrating and persistent negative behavioral patterns or situations in your life.

#1 - I don't tend to do what I want from the start. There are times I don't for the acceptance. There are times I don't because I am wanting someone to tell me or okay that I can do something different. ie., I want my husband to say, No, why don't you do such and such. I know I gain attention even though it isn't the kind that I want. I guess like a kid, negative is better than none.

I deflect the pain of rejection, but this doesn't really work. Because when I don't get the feedback that I want, I get hurt anyways and the feeling of let down.

No, it doesn't actually make my life easier.

#2 - Along with the last one, is the fact that I always feel afraid. I tend to confront something fearful rather than confident. I hate that. I don't know that I appear that way, but I feel that way inside me. I hate it. I pre-plan, pre-think, and over think things.

This doesn't help me at all. I am unsure why I feel this way. I am unsure about a payoff for this one because it is a fear for me and no one knows that I am going through it.

#3 - I can't let something go if I don't feel I have resolution. This is particularly bad when I am angry or fighting. I can't just go to sleep like "he" can. I will literally steam that it is so simple for him to go to sleep.  I even used to wake him. I need an ending. I hate that I am like this. I think the pay off is for me. Not something that I get from others, but something I have given to myself to okay the behavior.

I get attention, no doubt. I also think I have this fear that if I just don't go on with a fight then he will think he is right about the situation especially if it has to do with the children and him or him and his illness, or him and his lack of helping and pawning it off on his ex-wife. It doesn't make my life easier and certainly not better.

#4 - Fighting. I keep fighting. I don't even fight to win, but I don't fight to lose either. Many times Jim will get down and understand my point and that is usually what I want to hear, that he gets my point. The problem is no change comes from it. It is a payoff in that he "sees" what I mean, but then it is a hollow victory as no change comes.

This is the same as #3. It also isn't good for my health and I have learned that while he was away. I knew it already, but having not fought with him I am calmer and feel better.

#5 - I keep myself in a situation where nothing will improve and nothing will change with Jim and myself. The payoff I guess is that I still have him. He still loves me. However, this isn't what I want. I don't just want someone to say they love me any more. I continue to bail him out of situations not only because I love him, but he is the father of my children, and I feel obligated not just as a wife or friend, but because others have continually let him down. I don't want to be one of those things. Then, I think I am enabling him to not get control of his illness as well. I am trying to change this one. And the easier part is like a thorn. It is easier in some aspects to have their father involved, but in many it isn't. Sad.

8:32 PM

5 smartest things I have ever done; why did they work? What did I get out of each one.

1 - Had my kids. They give me joy, fulfilled my dream, and each day is the best adventure I could ever ask for. They help me grow, they've helped me change, and realize who I really am and that it IS enough. J

2 - Started walking. It makes me feel better. I feel that I am making myself live longer for the kids especially with high blood pressure, heart disease being the #1 killer of women, and I feel proud of myself. Not only the physical, but mentally. I think, I talk, I sort, I remember, I redo, I listen to music. I see flowers and nature, and people, and it is just wonderful!

3 - I didn't ask Jim to come home. This wasn't always easy. But I do know that it was right. I know that I will have to keep it this way if I ever hope that Jim will come to the realization that things need to change. I feel better. I am not hateful, resentful, or unhappy. We aren't fighting. The kids are calmer. I realized that I CAN raise the kids on my own and be okay.

4 - I was able to make peace with my Aunt Shelley. I got acceptance, relief, love. I helped heal one section of the family. The family can do things with my boys now which is wonderful. There isn't that fear of seeing her and not knowing why she couldn't forgive me. We all gained something wonderful from this.

5 - I have accepted that my life is okay the way it is. I have done enough. I am good enough. My life has been good enough. I have gained acceptance of myself. Respect for myself and the feeling of being okay inside and it is just a wonderful feeling! 8:41 PM

If I changed the negative behaviors, how would I do it, what payoff would I gain?

1 - I need to express what I want up front instead of expecting people to "know" what I want. I may think they should do this, but it isn't realistic or likely! Not everyone is like a woman! Especially, a man! I think if I did this I would have fewer disappointments. That in itself could be a good thing.

2 - Perhaps if I state what I want up front, I won't need to be fearful of rejection. It may happen, but if I just explain what I want, even if it isn't agreed with, everyone knows how we feel and the fear will probably not be there any more.

3 - I am improving at letting things go. I am finding life is too short and things just aren't worth it most of the time. This would bring less negative feelings and outcomes.

4 - Fighting. I need to learn how to fight/argue constructively. I need not ever do it in front of the children, which is hard as I am like a rocket when I get lit! Also, I need to not talk about the past. I need to state, again, up front what I want or expect. Perhaps then there would be less misunderstandings and arguments all together!

5 - I am presently changing this one by not asking Jim to come back home and letting him live with me. I am not arguing with him on the phone. It is not productive and things do not change. I am not letting him get to me. I am not giving in. The outcome is already more positive. I am more confident and calm. My children are calmer. I have far less stress and there is no fighting in this house. I want to keep it this way! J 8:50 PM

Not only am I worth the risk of these changes, but so are my children. I am afraid of losing the person I have spent so much of my life with, but I am not going to give into that fear any more. I deserve better than what he is willing to do for us. 8:54 PM