Christmas Decor

Seems my better picture of the tree has disappeared.

This is Miss Scrawny who, every year, inspects & tries to live in the tree.

This is Miss Scrawny who, every year, inspects & tries to live in the tree.

The stockings (until they fell off!)

This is "Faith's" Village.

This would be Scrawny making sure it doesn't escape!




Here is the Nativity & our Village.

 

 

Here is our Nativity close up.

This of course, is our inspection / guard crew!

Christmas Eve 2010

Before going to bed last night I set up the Wii for my kids. My sister & I had the same idea & both bought them one! (Great minds...)

It took my son a bit of watching tv first thing to realize & he came running in yelling & asked if he could play it. He & Faith were hard at the games when I got up. Faith seems to thrive at boxing & I am not sure what that means exactly!

The kids opened presents early & here are some photos.

She got her "8" ball!

"Kenuffle Bunny Free" Book

Drums!

Pink Ringtail Cat. Ian got yellow. He never holds still long enough for a photo!

Air Hog UFO's. Even Grandpa thought it was neat!

What are these things called? She loves them either way.

Wii again!

OH LOOK! NY Giants, pink & my quarterback! Wahoo! A Tess has at matching one,  she just doesn't know it yet! :):)

2010 Dec 6 - Ian's Birthday

This is my "Baby" boy, Ian! He is 13 now. Ugh! :)

A day of blah - 23 Nov 2010

Fibro day. After dropping Faith at Kerry's this a.m. I was back in ned. Ian brought me meds & I tried to sleep. I get so sick of the way it feels. The actual pain is weird.

I find it very annoying that I get to lay or sit there & do nothing. It hurts to let Faith crawl on me. The kids are always so great about it. Me, not so great about it! :)

SMacLeod

I have a good life & 3 beautiful monsters & several cats! SMacLeod

*The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.  -Oscar Wilde

Items from June 2010

June 1 - U Joey fell

Texts with Kim:

I am not good at calling, but I try to see everyone when visiting. Grooming is good. Farm life is awesome & Mark is good.

Tony likes to stir the emotion pot & does a good job at it. He did the same thing to me & Tam.

I figure I'll just stay to myself. I'm so tired of the family drama.

6 June - Ian was easily irritated, angry, upset.

7 June - "Down" - Ian.

12 June - U Joe unable to walk.  In Pueblo.

17 June - U Joe going home.

26 June - Alyssa Marie A'Hearn born 8:25 pm; 7lbs 14 oz & 20 inches. Christina Weis was the mom. She is my second cousin, the daughter of my cousin Michael.

29 June - U Joe - Not really any change. Had to have 1 more unit of blood; still critical.

Connor 14 Nov 2010

I called to talk to Connor. I talked to his foster mother, Carol. She seems really nice.

Connor started school at Vista. He is in special ed & has made a lot of friends that are girls. He is riding on a regular bus that drops him off across the street from where he is living. She said he is very enthusiastic about school. She said Mr. Padilla, the head of Spec Ed is great & boy that is good. I am glad about it all.

She went over certain things she is working on his with like quiet time when she is driving. (Wonder why that is?! :)

The foster dad mentioned his memory & I told them @ his short term memory being really bad. Something he will always have, but makes it a bit frustrating at times.

Apparently the room that he & the other boy share is more like a little apartment. They have a sitting room, their own bathroom, 2 tvs. I told her I thought I may move in. They have a video game consol.

Connor gets to put wood on the fire in the fireplace & that thrills him to no end. I told him to be careful as I didn't want a cooked Connor. He assured me that he was very careful.

He asked for his Legos, a video of mine,  & the metal wolf his grandmother gave him. So, I will drive there Wednesday as long as everything goes ok.

Connor talked to Ian who seemed very down about Connor being gone. He also talked to Faith kitty as he called her. He is happy, I can hear it. So, that makes mummy happy!

Ian, my hazardous kid

Ian is my second child. He was my biggest baby at 9lbs 10.5 oz. (Yes, I am very serious!)

Being 15 months younger than his brother he was never to be left behind, climbing counters & being caught standing on the table by three. (Ok, well so he was only 1 yr here! See what I mean?!)

He is also the joker of the family. I started calling him Charlie Chaplain by the age of 7.

 

 

Ian also sustains some injury every year whether by his own hand or not. So, there are annual ER visits. After twisting his knee the second day of school playing football, I thought we had our due, especially since it is the last half of the year. Apparently, & I really shouldn't be surprised, we weren't!

I got a call from the school yesterday that Ian was playing basketball during free time. When he got a good shove he failed to catch himself, whacking his head so hard on cement that people all around head it & came running. This should also point out how hard his head is, as he didn't even break the skin & yet the sound of it hitting resounded!

One injury...

As much as I love my son I swear he needs to be in a full body cast that will include his head! My only hope is that maybe somehow reading will have been smacked into place & he will have no more problems with that! :)

Connor - 1 Week in Foster Care

I talked to the doctor overseeing Connor's care today. The foster parents were in the other day to sign paperwork so he could stay with them. I am waiting for mine.

After talking to the doctor I got to talk to Connor! :) He sounds very happy. He says he calls them Grandma & Grandpa. Again he pointed out that they restore cars. He likes it there.

Connor told me he started school & "already has friends". Plural for Connor is really good! :)

I asked about the other child staying who I believe is older & Connor said, "He is going crazy". I told him that wasn't too funny since our whole family is crazy! Perhaps he is having problems with Connor being added to the mix, but Connor didn't sound concerned at all.

So, he is happy which makes me happy. :):)

Creators of Chaos!

When my sons were small & I would get absorbed in something that I was working on, I would hear them laughing & be happy they were getting along so well. But to my surprise the little creatures who obviously thought they were chefs would actually be creating on my carpet with ingredients like: A1 sauce, eggs, soda, ketchup, etc. Ketchup & eggs seemed to be a staple as, yes, it happened a few times.

With my daughter, I was ever so grateful that she did not do these types of things...UNTIL...

Makes you wonder @ those "red eyes" huh!

And for those that must know, it is baby powder. The reminants of which, are still in the hallway!  :)

Connor's out of UBH

UBH phoned Monday to tell me that Connor would be going home with the (Treatment) foster family that came to see him last week.

Tuesday I had to fax documents. Wed I signed a release for his school papers so they could enroll him in school. He needs to get back into school. I think that will make him happy.

They live in a town a little over an hour away. I was told that he was doing well. That doesn't surprise me. It is one of the good things he got from me; adaptability.  :)

I will be having a meeting some time next week to have a meeting. I am not sure if that is with the parents as well as the coordinator, but I would think so. I was told the "mother" is very forward & I consider that a good thing. You need to be that way to take care of any child, but especially a special needs child.

I was told their was another, older boy that they take care of as well. I will have to find out about that. If he isn't clingy they may do well. I was told Connor would like his Legos. :) Not surprising. That is my inventor boy!

It was such a strange feeling. Knowing he was going home with another family. Knowing he should be with me, but isn't. It is all very weird, even if it is what I have to do to keep everyone safe. I am glad, however, that he is in a home rather than a facility.

Only God knows what the future holds...

Zoo Boo Halloween

This would be my strange son, Ian.  Mother's love them no matter what they look like..... 

This is Snowflake & the reaction she had when she saw my daughter. All the cats freaked out, but one. That one freaked out @ Ian! Smart cat.

 There's my girl!

We went withour friends to the Zoo Boo which was insanely busy! Then we had lunch together & it was a wonderful day. After that I got my house cleaned! Yeah! :)

Visiting Connor 29 Oct 2010

Ian, Faith, & I went to visit Connor at UBH Friday afternoon. I saw him walking down the hall. His hair is longer & starting to curl, he grinned at seeing his brother's extremely short hair & commented before entering the room, with not too nice of language. (Which, being his mum, I took him to task about :)

We took him a new Spookley book & stuffed animal. He was happy about that. He told me about the couple he met who repair cars. That would be a good place for him. Taking apart & putting together! :) He is happy about it. I should be, but hard to. He said he was to be going Thursday, but no one told me that! Below are some video & photos.

News yet no news

My son Connor met with a family yesterday. I don't know if this is a family he will go through or not. I have no idea if they liked him, got on etc. The lady hasn't heard yet. I was just so excited someone came to see him! It is like being able to see an orphaned child & hoping "this is the family". Isn't it horrible? Then I feel so awful cause a family is meeting MY child! I feel like a failure. Sucks to be me some days!

This was earlier today, but I am still going through a lovely mix of emotions. I was hoping to get a call from the hospt so his brother & sister could see him as well, but they didn't call back. Not helpful. I have clothes for him ready to take & a new Spookley book & an actual Spookley pumpkin stuffed animal. He will love it. I was hoping to see him before evening, but oh well. (I don't like night driving.)

I have a wonderful friend who told me something today that made me cry, but made my heart settle a little better.

"You certainly are not a failure, you are one of the strongest people I know, you knew Connor needed help and to allow your son to go into the foster treatment program is brilliant, you have given him a second chance and allowed him to be happy in a safe environment for him and others. I can only imagine what you are going through but you should be proud of yourself, Im proud of you."

Pretty sure I would go nuts without her around! 

It is like my mum. I have never seen someone as strong as her. She raised two girls on her own every time my dad up & decided having a family wasn't what he wanted. He left her for a truck driver.....whatever you want to call them.....She had to leave us with our aunt while she went out & worked. She had to give up two of us. And yet she told me that I (ME!) was the strongest person she ever knew. That she could never handle things that I have to handle.

I came from a family of strong women (thankfully!), but it doesn't help how you feel inside when you just want to take care of your children.

On a better note Ian had a better day at school! I think these aids at this school need to find a different type of job! They seem to pick & maybe it is because they do not think he is doing the what they feel he can, but they are going about it all wrong.

Guess that is it for me. Off to hypnotherapy tomorrow! :)

Faith Student of the Week

Faith was Student of the Week. She took pictures of U Jerry, Chris & John & told the class about the karate school. She also took her toy of Toothless & Hiccup from How to Train your Dragon.

She had a pictures of her when she was born & her grandma was holding her, of her & her cat, Mickey Mouse when she was a tiny fur ball (both of them), & a picture of herself at a year with a background of sunflowers, & one in utero.

I had to write a letter for the class to hear & it said:

Faith Tahl is my youngest child. She is very independent & a lot like I was as a girl.

As you probably know, she loves cats. She has two cats, Mickey Mouse who is all black & Jaws who is black & white.

All of my kids have names from movies. Faith was from a move called Only You.

Faith's special job is to drive her brothers crazy & she does it very well!

Two other things Faith likes are Toothless & reading.  She is a very stubborn, funny, silly, happy girl & I love her very much.

Faith's Mom, Sonya MacLeod

Facts on Children’s Mental Health in America

Facts on Children’s Mental Health in America


The reports by the U.S. Surgeon General1 and the New Freedom Commission on Mental Health offer great hope to the millions of children and adolescents living with mental illness and their families.2 Through appropriate identification, evaluation, and treatment, children and adolescents living with mental illness can lead productive lives. They can achieve success in school, in work and in family life. Nonetheless, the overwhelming majority of children with mental disorders fail to be identified, lack access to treatment or supports and thus have a lower quality of life. Stigma persists and millions of young people in this country are left behind.



Prevalence of Child and Adolescent Mental Disorders

Four million children and adolescents in this country suffer from a serious mental disorder that causes significant functional impairments at home, at school and with peers. Of children ages 9 to 17, 21 percent have a diagnosable mental or addictive disorder that causes at least minimal impairment.1

Half of all lifetime cases of mental disorders begin by age 14. Despite effective treatments, there are long delays, sometimes decades, between the first onset of symptoms and when people seek and receive treatment. An untreated mental disorder can lead to a more severe, more difficult to treat illness and to the development of co-occurring mental illnesses.3

In any given year, only 20 percent of children with mental disorders are identified and receive mental health services.4

Consequences of Untreated Mental Disorders in Children and Adolescents

Suicide

Suicide is the third leading cause of death in youth ages 15 to 24. More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza and chronic lung disease combined.5 Over 90 percent of children and adolescents who commit suicide have a mental disorder.6

In the United States in the year 2002, almost 4,300 young people ages 10 to 24 died by suicide.7

States spend nearly $1 billion annually on medical costs associated with completed suicides and suicide attempts by youth up to 20 years of age.8

School Failure

Approximately 50% of students age 14 and older who are living with a mental illness drop out of high school. This is the highest dropout rate of any disability group.9

Juvenile and Criminal Justice Involvement

Youth with unidentified and untreated mental disorders also tragically end up in jails and prisons. According to a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health—the largest ever undertaken—an alarming 65 percent of boys and 75 percent of girls in juvenile detention have at least one mental illness.10 We are incarcerating youth living with mental illness, some as young as eight years old, rather than identifying their conditions early and intervening with appropriate treatment.

Higher Health Care Utilization

When children with untreated mental disorders become adults, they use more health care services and incur higher health care costs than other adults. Left untreated, childhood disorders are likely to persist and lead to a downward spiral of school failure, limited or non-existent employment opportunities and poverty in adulthood. No other illnesses harm so many children so seriously.

Early Identification, Evaluation and Treatment are Essential to Recovery and Resiliency

Research shows that early identification and intervention can minimize the long-term disability of mental disorders.2

Mental disorders in children and adolescents are real and can be effectively treated, especially when identified and treated early.

Research has yielded important advances in the development of effective treatment for children and adolescents living with mental illness. Early identification and treatment prevents the loss of critical developmental years that cannot be recovered and helps youth avoid years of unnecessary suffering.11

Early and effective mental health treatment can prevent a significant proportion of delinquent and violent youth from future violence and crime.12 It also enables children and adolescents to succeed in school, to develop socially and to fully experience the developmental opportunities of childhood.





July 2010







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1 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Mental Health: A Report of the Surgeon General. Rockville,

MD: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Center for Mental Health Services, National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health, 1999.



2 New Freedom Commission on Mental Health, Achieving the Promise: Transforming Mental Health Care in America. Final Report. DHHS Pub. No. SMA-0303832. Rockville, MD: 2003.



3 National Institute of Mental Health Release of landmark and collaborative study conducted by Harvard University, the University of Michigan and the NIMH Intramural Research Program (release dated June 6, 2005 and accessed at www.nimh.nih.gov).



4 U.S. Public Health Service, Report of the Surgeon General’s Conference on Children’s Mental Health: A National Action Agenda. Washington, DC: Department of Health and Human Services, 2000.



5 National Strategy for Suicide Prevention: Goals and Objectives for Action. Rockville, MD: U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, Public Health Service, 2001.



6 Shaffer, D., & Craft, L. “Methods of Adolescent Suicide Prevention.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 60 (Suppl. 2), 70-74, 1999.



7 Kochanek KD, Murphy SL anderson RN, Scott C. Deaths: Final data for 2002. National vital statistics reports; vol. 53 no 5. Hyattsville, Maryland: National Center for Health Statistics. 2004.



8 NGA Center for Best Practices, Youth Suicide Prevention: Strengthening State Policies and School-Based Strategies



9 U.S. Department of Education, Twenty-third annual report to Congress on the implementation of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, Washington, D.C., 2001.



10 Teplin, L. Archives of General Psychiatry, Vol. 59, December 2002.



11 The National Advisory Mental Health Council Workgroup on Child and Adolescent Mental Health Intervention Development and Deployment. “Blueprint for Change: Research on Child and Adolescent Mental Health.” Washington, D.C.: 2001.



12 U.S. Surgeon General, Youth Violence: A Report of the Surgeon General. DHHS. Rockville, MD: 2001.

In the Matter of Guardianship of Richard Roe III

This is the most stupid thing I have come across thus far. Do they really think the ill person wanted to harm people & be a risk & have no good life? This our Mental Health at work.


In the Matter of Guardianship of Richard Roe III, 421 N.E. Rep. 2d 40

Key Issue: "decision maker is called upon to ignore all but the implementation of the values and preferences of the ward."

Summary:

Massachusetts' highest court, the Supreme Judicial Court, ruled that when a mentally ill individual who is incompetent to make his own treatment decisions refuses treatment, only a court can decide if he is to be treated, and must do so on the basis of substituted judgment, i.e. what the individual would choose, given what is known of his values and preferences, if he were competent.



Background:

A bright and popular student in junior high school, Richard Roe (a pseudonym) became ill in high school. Expelled from private school, he dropped out of public high school and became uncontrollable at home, physically assaulting the members of his family and threatening to kill his mother. Following his arrest in 1979 on charges of receiving stolen property, he was sent to Northampton State Hospital, where he was diagnosed as suffering from schizophrenia. Released, he was arrested again a few months later for assault and battery and back in the hospital was assaultive, attacking another patient. Although according to Dr. Jeffrey Geller, then a psychiatrist at Northampton State, Roe responded well to medication, he now refused it.



Northampton Hospital, then radically cutting back its patient population, prepared to release Roe to his parents who were willing to take him home, but wanted to make sure that he could be made to take the medication that controlled his symptoms. The hospital assumed that arranging this would be a simple matter because the federal district court in another case (the Rogers case, to be discussed fully elsewhere) had ruled that patients found in a court hearing to be incompetent to make their own treatment decisions could have treatment decisions made for them by a court appointed guardian. In the opinion of the hospital's psychiatrists, Roe was clearly incompetent. However, since the federal court decision in the Rogers case applied to patients at Boston State Hospital, and Roe would be an outpatient, the hospital advised Roe's family to go to court to make Richard's father his guardian with the power to decide if he should take medication prescribed for him.



The probate judge ruled Roe was mentally ill and incompetent, appointed his father as his guardian and agreed that in light of the "Rogers" decision he had authority to determine his son's treatment. The case was then appealed by the guardian ad litem who had been appointed to represent Richard Roe.



The Decision:

The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court found the evidence that Richard Roe was incompetent "more than adequate" and said it was convinced Richard's judgment was so severely impaired that there was a strong likelihood he would inflict serious injury on himself or others. The judges concluded he needed a guardian and his father was the appropriate choice – but could not make treatment decisions. The Court ruled that only a judge could conduct the "detached but passionate investigation" necessary to decide if Richard should take medication.



The Court ruled the judge should base his decision on what the incompetent mental patient would want to do, if he were competent (taking into account the fact he is incompetent). The court identified six factors the judge should consider, among them "the ward's expressed preferences regarding treatment," "the ward's religious beliefs," and "the impact upon the ward's family," if there was evidence the patient desired to minimize the burden he placed on them.



The Court explained why Richard's father was not qualified to decide if Richard should take the medications prescribed for him. "We intend no criticism of the guardian [Richard's father] when we say that few parents could make the substitute judgment determination – by its nature a self-centered determination in which the decision maker is called upon to ignore all but the implementation of the values and preferences of the ward – when the ward, in his present condition, is living at home with other children."



The Court's opinion was highly critical of anti-psychiatric drugs, describing them as "extraordinary" medical treatment, "powerful enough to immobilize mind and body." It said "the impact of the chemicals upon the brain is sufficient to undermine the foundations of personality." The opinion also dwelt at length upon side effects: "Although... the intended effects of antipsychotic drugs are extreme, their unintended effects are frequently devastating and often irreversible."



Significance:

The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court had ruled that the decision whether to treat an incompetent mentally ill individual should not be on the basis of what was medically in his best interests, or had the likelihood of restoring him to competence. Instead, it should be on the basis of "substituted judgment," i.e. what a judge concluded the individual would prefer, based on his earlier attitudes and behavior.



The case assumed broader significance. This was because, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court issued its opinion, the U.S. Supreme Court remanded the long-running, multi-million dollar, federal Rogers case, involving the right to refuse treatment of civilly committed hospitalized patients, which had gone up to it on appeal, to be decided in light of Roe. The Supreme Court did so on the grounds that the judges in Roe had carved out a right to refuse treatment on the basis of state law that went beyond anything it could find on the basis of U.S. constitutional law.



And so, what started out as a minor case – could Richard Roe's guardian decide on his treatment – became the basis for requiring that, except in emergency situations, judicial hearings must be held in Massachusetts before a non-consenting hospitalized mental patient can be treated, with the decision to be made on the basis of "substituted judgment."



Comment:

In the Matter of Guardianship of Richard Roe III was a profoundly anti-family decision. It never seemed to occur to the Court that Richard Roe's family, despite his serious illness, wanted to take care of him and that making it feasible for them to do so should be society's concern. According to the Court, Richard Roe's father lacked the "detachment" to decide whether his son should be medicated. But it was precisely because he cared what happened to his son and wanted him restore to competence that he was a desirable guardian of his son's interests. Moreover, the whole family had an interest in eliminating the psychotic thought processes that had led Richard to attack them in the past and could make living with him impossible. The judges refused to consider that other children in the family had a legitimate interest in living without fear of violence from a severely ill, uncontrollable family member. Such interests were viewed as "selfish."



While the judges felt they were upholding the interests of the ill individual at the expense of all others, in fact their decision made the ill individual the greatest loser for it is he who is most dependent on the support of others. Unable to secure for him the treatment he needs, the family, for its own protection, is forced to cast him adrift.



In the case of Richard Roe, according to the family lawyer, the court decision "blew the family to pieces." In theory, they could have applied for a substitute judgment decision by the court, enabling Richard to be medicated. But feeling it was obvious the decision would go against them, the family gave up. The parents divorced, and Richard became a semi-street person constantly involved with the law for petty infractions.



In their opinion, the judges also displayed astonishing ignorance concerning psychiatric medications, which do not "undermine the foundations of personality" as they claimed, but reduce hallucinations, disordered thought processes, agitation, withdrawal and other psychotic symptoms that can much better be described as undermining personality. Anti-psychotic drugs -- particularly the older ones, then the only ones available -- do indeed have side effects, but the judges almost totally ignored the positive effects of medications, while reciting every possible adverse effect.



The notion of "substituted judgment" (originally developed by the Massachusetts court to guide decision-making in the case of severely mentally retarded individuals) is wrong-headed in the case of people with NBD. The goal should be restoring the ill person to competency, something medication will do in most cases, and based on his earlier response to anti-psychotic drugs, clearly would have accomplished in the case of Richard Roe. What the tortuous process (identifying the choice "which would be made by the incompetent person, if that person were competent, but taking into account the present and future incompetency of the individual as one of the factors which would necessarily enter into the decision-making process of the competent person") amounts to, as psychiatrists Paul Appelbaum and Thomas Gutheil have pointed out, is simply "the substitution of the preferences of the decision-maker for those of the incompetent person." In the Roe case, it was the judgment of the state's highest court whose members were woefully ignorant of the nature of psychiatric drugs and had obtained their false notions from law journal articles (which they liberally cite) transmitting the Szaszian notions of the mental health bar to the bench.





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Why am I having a hard time? 21 OCt 2010

I don't know why, but I am having a hard time with the situation with Connor. I expect there are a couple of factors helping.

1. Criminal Minds - a show I love, had an episode last night where the mother had two children, the oldest being violent, she abandoned the boy on the side of the road. He obviously felt abandoned & started taking violence out on women of families he found on his route home. Great.

2. UBH called & said they were having a hard time getting a hold of a place they were trying to use to place Connor in Treatment Foster care & it was taking to long. Kick in panic mode.

So, I called another place that is waiting to get his information & the process will go on again. In the mean time my son has been out of school nearly a month. As of two days ago he punched a kid in the stomach.

So, what happens next? I have no frekin idea! I am looking at websites that never seem to have an answer to my question. But I guess that is just where I am heading back to. Another website another search. Legal answers that aren't there. Not to mention what this will do to my family's heads! Not to mention our hearts. Ah, crap, tears again.

Weirdness

Well, yesterday I decided to be a bit fruity, I guess. It was the weirdest thing. I was laying in bed talking to my daughter about how my hands were hurting from one of my cats biting it the night before. I was going to to wash out the wounds & when I stood a huge wave of nausea swept over me, it was weird. Then as I was walking to the bathroom I was really really dizzy. Not just that little bit when you get up too fast, but by the time I was at the sink I was hanging onto it, trying to stay upright. It wasn't just dizziness, but my legs felt so week.

After that I decided I was going to lay back down, but on the way out I ran into the doorjam & don't even recal falling to the floor & I mean all the way down with my head on the floor. I apparently hit my head as it hurt & I have a lovely knot. After a bit I slowly sat up with my back against the wall. I wanted to try to make it back to my room. So, I got up slowly, went back & forth & ended up again, without remembering actually going down, on the floor of the kitchen. (My room is just off the kitchen.)

My daughter came out & said, "Should I go get Ian? I'm going to go get Ian." Ian of course immediately wanted to call 911 as he is spastic. Me I was freaked out enough as to what would happen to the kids if I was put in the hospital. Fun.

I lay there for a moment, told him to hang on so I could see if it subsided. He still wanted to call. I had to tinkle so bad & I really didn't want to do it on the floor! So, after a bit I was able to sit & get up. After that I was still a bit shakey, but was improving. I sat in my rocking chair. Ian was still in the 911 mode. I can just see a $100 bill for them to run tests that say nothing & say, oh well, your blood pressure must have been low. Yeah, thanks, here's your $100.

After a bit Ian was getting dressed for school & complaining to his sister that "I really didn't want to be woken up early". I said, "I am sorry to inconvenience you." I pointed out he had to be up 10 min later to get ready for school anyway! The pill. :)

So, there was that freakiness, the weird swollen bite marks, & I just felt so tired.

Today, I feel very sore from where I landed & I keep putting my hand to my forehead forgetting the darn knot!


On another note, I got a call from the nurse where Connor is. Annother peer had be instigating something & Connor punched him in the stomach. I groaned that I wished he would stop it. She said the good news was that Connor was listening to staff, was able to be redirected & didn't stay in that violent mode. Oh, yeah haw! There is something to be happy about. It really is, but just not what you think about being happy about when you have kids!

So, there is my weirdness of the week. Okay, maybe not of the week, but it can stop there if it wishes!

Emotional Vampires

Have you ever heard of "emotional vampires"? They are those lovely people that suck things out of you, but never want to give. My ex & his mother are like this. I never understood people like this until I met them.

I talked to him this morning & find it amusing that he thinks just because something is going wrong in my life that he is "sorry" he can't help as if that will make it all better; him being around. Hello, you are an ex for a reason! I actually had to explain that just because my oldest was having problems didn't mean my life sucked. That just because his life sucked, mine didn't. I guess he finds this really irritating. Geeze.

Then he goes on about him living closer to the kids. Now, don't misuderstand that would be a rather responsible thing to do. The problem? He is living with his father because he can't keep out of money trouble with check cashing places. (This is the problem he has had for over 14 yrs.)

He is being sued for damages (our oldest made to his house while he watched him 3 wks.) He ran out on the owners instead of talking to them. I said why didn't you just talk to them, tell them what happened & say you'd work with them to pay it.

So, when will he be able to move closer? He can't even take care of himself.

THEN, the one I had been waiting for.....What will happen to Connor's child support if he goes into foster care. Yup, I was waiting. I wish I could win the lottery & tell him to keep his blasted $. I wish I had no need to have it at all.

Ian thinks I am not "nice" enough. That ticks me off. I know as a Christian I should be nice & I try to be polite. I don't sit at home wasting my time "plotting" against him, I have better things to do than to think of him at all. It is just that his priorities are the same. (The sad part is, his kids know that already too.) He will go weeks without talking to the kids & I am the mean one. Ugh.

And when he isn't on the outs with his "girlfriend" he has no use to talk to me at all & I like those times! This is why I text when I can & never talk on the phone. He gets some weird kick talking to me. I wish he'd marry someone!

On a side note, I need another title than "ex". I don't even like to be linked with him. My kids are the only link. He is more like the "husband that never was". An imaginary friend would have been better!

Boxer in the Ring

Well, Connor did it again. Punched a kid in the face. Left some red marks. At this rate I should have signed him up for boxing. Maybe he's be making money by now.

I wish they would get him stable! Pulled him off all that Seroquel at once I suppose. Some times I wonder who the doctor's are.

The nurse said at least the parent's didn't freak out like the last mom did. :)  She said there were several antagonizing each other tonight that they separated. Does anyone know what the mood looks like?

Biology - 1/2 & 1/2

This is a discussion between my childrens' biology (other 1/2) & myself. My younger son thinks I am mean, but he didn't have to put up with what I did. He had the "kid" version, which, trust me, stucks too.


Me: Did you have a question?

(He left a phone msg that he had "things" to discuss with me.)

Me:  Like what?

Biology Said:  about our account and defaulting on check cashing places so they will let me make payments. but it will not effect your child support payment. I will however have a number of nsf $35 fees. I have to have your opinion of this matter. I have to explain it.

Me:  I have no opinion on your money problems. If you want an opinion ask Harlyn. (His Dad.) That part no longer concerns me. Was that all?

Biology Said:  how is Connor and ian and faith doing?

Me:  Ian you just talked to. He is fine. Faith is fine but doesn't want to talk on the phone. I told her she just needed to say hi & tell u how she was but she wouldn't. Connor? Is in El Paso


Biology Said:  how is Connor doing and are you going to get him back or have to turn him over to foster care to protect Ian and Faith? I feel for you Sonya..I am sorry that I dont live there to help you out..I am sorry you have to go through this on your own. I know you dont like me..however if you ever need to talk to me without judgement. I will talk with you if you so desire

Me:  Without judgement? When did that occur? You don't have to live here to take care of your son. I don't have a choice but to have him out of the house. What choice do I have now? Police were involved I had to have photos of my injuries taken....Your sorrys hold no weight.

(This is the part that Ian said, "You shouldn't have said that. He is like Connor when you push too much." I asked if he didn't think his dad's reponsibilities should be pointed out.)

Biology Said:  well i could not give a shit about you and him at all.  but for some reason i still do care and if you would share with me what happened instead of holding it all in. You are impossible to deal with. You, like myself create you own problems. I was trying to tell you that I cared about you and that I was having heart felt feelings of support for you. but you throw that in my face and wonder why I cant stand by you now or before. You are stubborn and bull headed as much now as you have ever been. You dont need my support because you are not smart enough to accept it as always you push me aside. Sonya, what do you need from me? tell me and I will try to help..right now I am being sued for damages Connor did to the house we lived in. I am not happy with the situation but I still love Connor no less.

Me:  It has to do with your lack of responsibility. Why didn't you just discuss it with them & work on an arrangement? You should have taken him to ER when he ran away but no. It is hard to feel sorry for u when u listen to no one.

Me:  I am not IN a mess. I am not being mean. You are in the same $ trouble u have been in since b4 we met.

(OVER 14 YRS AGO.)

Me:  Connors illness & youR $ issues are not even in the same ballpark.


Me:  Why didn't you ever ask what you could do to help keep him out of foster care? It has been 3 wks since I told you.

Biology Said:  At this time with my money situation...I can not help you help him because I am staying with my father and Barb for the winter. Where would Connor stay?

Me:  He has to be in a facility right now. Probably quite a while. They can't get him stable. But you didn't even say "I would take him if it could". You have been in "my money situation" for years. When will you not be in it?


Biology Said:  every time I get in the black something happens to screw it all up. usually I scew it up but there are other contributing factors.


Me:  Life is a contributing factor. But with you it seems like a never ending black hole!

Me:  Do you know at 14 he can refuse treatment in the state of NM?
 
Me:  Good thing he wants it huh.


Biology Said:  yes good thing he knows he needs it.

Another day in paradise 14 Oct 2010

I talked to Connor last night. He wasn't all happy cheerful like he was last week. He sounded down; tired.  The nurse called me earlier @ a medication change. They wanted to stop his Seroquel, which they had increased last week, & put him on Risperdal instead. I wonder how many years we are going to go through the same thing.

The increase in Seroquel made him flail around like a fish out of water. I know as it did the same thing 2 yrs ago when he was in the RTC in Albuquerque. We were up there for Christmas & he jabbered non-stop & I don't just mean he talked a lot, I mean he could not stop at all & he flailed his hands like people in the wheel chairs that have no control over their motor skills. That is a side affect to the meds called dyskensia. It can become permanant.

Three weeks & he isn't stable yet. He wants me to come see him & I want to, but the visitation is horrible, they only allow 1 hr per a day. I was hoping he would be placed so I could go meet him & bring him some of his things. I called yesterday & I just called again. Mental health care is so sad.

It was 9:05 pm when the nurse called me last night. Connor had gotten into an altercation with a peer. Ah, great. Here I was thinking he was losing his touch!

The peer turned off the tv, upsetting Connor. Connor went to turn it on & the kid touch Connor. Well, that was not a good idea. Touch a mad Connor is like sticking your hand in a blender that is on. Stupid. So, my son, punched him in the nose. The child has a split lip & redness & his mother may press charges. Ooh! Fun.

Here is my question:  Why wan't someone THERE as soon as they saw these two were upset? Anyone running a facility with mentall ill patients here? I have not heard anything else, but I understand @ a mum being upset. Connor was getting hurt a great deal at Desert Hills in Albuquerque a couple yrs ago, but it would have been the facility I sued.

The lady at Mtn View called & wants to know what is going on with Connor. Stand in line, so do I & I am him mother! She said he's been out 21 days now (yesterday), so I will probably go & un enroll him tomorrow. Great. He isn't even getting schooling right now. Just what he needs when he is so behind as it is. Maybe I should take my hypnotherapist to Congress. Give them a dose & maybe they can wake up & help parents take care of kids across our country better. It isn't just mental health here. They don't want to deal with it, they don't want to give them care & then they want to know why some young adult just shot everyone up. Ugh. Morons!

Scrawny (cat) & Snowflake play 12 Oct 2010

I wish I recorded sooner, but you know how that works!

Missing my son 7 Oct 2010

I was all ready to pick up my house this morning. (No, really!) I have this friend, Kerry, who does day care & raises three children & a husband & her house is always nice & picked up! Yes, envy! I have no excuses. Maybe it is because I am so flighty. Who knows. So, what went wrong? Thinking. It can do me in every time!

I was thinking about my oldest, Connor, going into a foster home & all the things I would want to tell them about him. I would want to ask if he could have his things from home; there isn't too much. Tell them to hand things on his ceiling not his walls. If he is angry anything on the walls won't be there later!

I thought of Halloween & how pumpkins are his favorite no matter what time of year it is. Here is it October & it makes my heart ache. I hurt. I know because he is so resilient, like me, he is fine. He misses us, but he is ok.

I talked to him Tues night & he sounded quite happy until a child bugged him on the phone. I could hear anger there, not just annoyance. I sit here & wonder on my decisions. Will he ever understand how much I wanted a child? I wanted children so much that I was going to finish my degree in college & get artificially inseminated. This is how much. Ever since I can remember I wanted kids & I wanted a lot of them.

So, marriage was totally unexpected, but being pregnant, who cared, I was getting my baby! I always wanted the first to be a boy. I guess I thought he would protect his younger siblings & Connor would if they were threatened. He has that animal instinct built in. But he has that solitary instinct built in too. No wonder he likes wolves.

I guess those facts actually make me worry less about him. I know he can be without us & be ok. He can adapt. Maybe without the stressors in our home he will thrive. That is what I want. I want my son to thrive & be happy. He is so beautiful when he is happy & if ever someone deserved it, he does. I am only sorry that I can't make the pain & anger he feels inside go away, so he can be like other children. Growing up is hard enough.

I love you son.  Mommy

SMacLeod
7 Oct 2010
10:24 pnm

Medical Quips & C's Med Increase - 6 Oct 2010

Connor

UBH
Dr increased Seroquel from 600mg to 800mg


***************
I have OCD
I have OCD
I have OCD
I have OCD
*******************

My shrink just gave me some new meds. I'm not crazy any more, but now my pee *Glows in the Dark*

*******************


Have you taken your medication?

*******************


See DSM IV, chp 1, para 3

*******************



Stick around, I'm Bi-Polar. No telling what I'm about to do......

*******************


What makes you think that your brain chemicals are normal?

*******************

Just because I am paranoid, doesn't mean they are not after me.

*******************

Next mood swing in Oops! It's happening now.

*******************

I'm not crazy, I am medicated for a chemical imbalance.

*******************


Give me a break my kids Bi-Polar!  (Maybe not such a quip! :)

*******************



If I seem confused, it because I am_________

*******************


I'm part of an elite group of braniacs. We're called Bi-Polar.

*******************

Don't shoot! I'm Bi-polar!

*******************
Free Spirit

*******************
One of a kind

*******************
Inside this calm exterior is an Unquiet Mind

*******************

80% of the population doesn't know what Bi-polar disorder is. Be part of the 20% that does.

*******************

I worry psychiatrists

*******************

Bi-Polar for medical marijuana

*******************

The voices in my head dig you.

*******************
Brave
Imagination
Passionate
Original
Loving
Artistic
Reality

*******************

Hug me, I'm a fuzzy Bi-Polar Bear!

*******************
I am my diagnosis!

*******************

Some days it's just not worth cheweing through the restraints.

*******************

I'm Bi-Polar, what's your excuse?

*******************

My mania writes checks my depression can't cash

*******************

(Danger Sign) DANGER  -  Mood Swings

*******************

Bipolar Ying Yang =  Devil/Angel

*******************

Just so you know, I am crazy & I will F***ing kill you.

*******************

Melt down happens.

*******************

Bi-polar disorder:  It has it's ups & downs

*******************

My goal isn't to be normal, but to enjoy life.

*******************

Unstable psycho seeks same

*******************

Shhh! The doctor says you're not real!

*******************

I refuse to overdose on reality.

*******************

DO NOT DISTURB (I'm disturbed enough as it is!)

*******************

When I think about being normal, I get depressed.
*******************

Save the Bi-Polar Bear!

*******************

I'm not mad....well, not today.

*******************

Life is what you make it in spite of the hand you're dealt.

*******************

If you don't like me today, please check back tomorrow.

*******************

I used to be sane, but now I'm better.

*******************

The Seroquesl made me eat it!

*******************

Why manage anger when you can spread it around?

*******************

The voices don't like you!

*******************

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

*******************

Be nice to me, I'm out of Valium!

*******************

Got  meds?

*******************

Looking for someone to star in my psychodrama

*******************

Dad's Manic
Mom's Depressed
_______________
You do the math

*******************

Broke the mold.

*******************

Frustrated
Intense
Neurotic
Energy

*******************

Pain is inevitable / Suffering is Optional  (Levi)

*******************
Peace * Love * Psychiatry

*******************

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND Reality Malfunction in Progress

*******************

It is all a matter of perspective.

*******************

Old pill and two little pills, "Oh grandpa, you've told us about the gread depression a thousand times..."

*******************

My doctor can beat up your doctor

*******************

I used to like sex, now I take Effexor. (Lexapro)

*******************

And you think your overmedicated!

*******************

I love my meds!

*******************

Even squirrels thing I'm a nut!

*******************

What exactly is so great about normal anyway?

*******************

Stable is a place horses live.

*******************

Bright & Bipolar

*******************

Normal is a setting on a washing machine.

*******************

Kindly modify your behavior & stop staring.

*******************

There are two kinds of people in this world:  The Diagnosed & the Undiagnosed.

*******************

100% out of my mind!

*******************

Bipolar isn't an Excuse, it's an Explanation.

*******************

Bi-Polarized

*******************

My delusions are better than your reality.

*******************

I need my meds for my meds' side effects!

*******************

World's coolest crazy person!

*******************

Manic is my normal.

*******************

Mental Insitiution Patient

*******************

I said I was Bipolar not retarded, you idiot!

*******************

BiPolar Female:  Beware!

*******************

If I wasn't Schizophrenic, I'd be Bipolar!

*******************

I'm a paranoid Schizophrenic. I am afraid of my other personalities!

*******************

Being Schizophrenic means never being alone.

*******************

WARNING! Bipolar

*******************

 : ) :  Bipolar

*******************

What goes up must come down (including my mood).

*******************

My meds taste like chicken!

*******************

Caution: Prone to mood swings

*******************

Celebrate Neurodiversity!

*******************

4 out of 5 psychologists agree; I'm not good for your sanity.  (Wish my ex husband had this stamped on him!)

*******************

It's ok if your normal; We can stil be friends. (See, Kerry! :)

*******************

I'm Bipolar. That's just another way to say that I'm better in bed!

*******************

Take me as directed

*******************

Don't annoy the Crazy PERSON!

*******************

Medicated for your Protection

*******************

Please don't mess with the Un-medicated person!

*******************

Help! The voices in my husband's head won't shut up!

*******************

Space Cadet

*******************

If you think you are too good, too rich, too smart, or too healthy to get a mental illness, you are wrong!

*******************

I don't suffer from INSANITY, I LOVE every minutes of it!

*******************

Nothing that a little chemical "bitch-slap" won't cure!

*******************

Feeling like a lab rat - taking crazy meds

*******************

Is it time for your meds or mine?

*******************
Nope, they weren't made for me, but you gotta love the mind that made them! :)  SMacLeod




Hypnosis Anyone?

I had the most unusual experience today; I went for a session with a hypnotherapist. I always thought it would be neat to go see one; well today was the day.

Upon meeting the lady who was older, greying & very excited, I could tell I would like her. She talked about some recent articles on hypnosis despite it being around for so long.

I learned about her, Dr. Livingston. She was a "mc" before getting married, so you know there is something good right there! She was a teacher & principal for 30 years. We had so many things in common or our families did that it was funny.

As she stood to read for the US News magazine she stopped. She looked at me & said, you were a Druid in Stonehenge. (No wonder I loved it when I visit that place & a picture of Stonehenge is on my computer desktop!) And no, Druids are some freaky witch club, but naturalists. They believed very much like the Indians did. Nature.

I have an angel named, Seledad (pronounced with a th sound on the end.) I said that is Celtic. She told me that she had long, red hair & that it was unusual that she wanted Dr. L to tell me her name right away. Seledad wants me to work on some things which is pretty neat. My angel & my sister's angel intermix with each other a lot as she & I are so close she said.  :)

An Angel is a being that has never lived on earth. They tend to appear as human since that is what we know. A spirit-guide is different. They have lived before & choose to come help guide us. Everyone has one of each.

When she asked about what I did I told her that I am writing a story. She asked what it was about & I told her. Before I was finished she jumped up, got a book off of her bookshelf & handed it to me, telling me to read the back. The book is about a lady named Dawn Marie Clare & she felt pulled to Scotland. So, she went there & ended up finding past live memories. Interesting.

Dr. L also told me there were no such things as coincidences, that it was God. There is a book called When God Winks at You. They call these "coincidences" winks (from God).

All this was even before I paid the lady!

Now, I have never been hypnotised before. I have only seen what appears on tv, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I went primarily for stress & if you have ever met me, you understand why! (Fruity family! XOXO)

I sat in Dr. L's lazy boy recliner all stretched out, no crossed legs, arms open. She gave me headphones & I could hear her voice. She talked about the way I felt when I get stressed out & how when it happened later, the stress would only last 3 minutes. She would give me a tape of the session that I could use at home.

We started out with deep breathing. Relaxing muscles, relaxing from toes all the way to my head. As I went deepening into relaxation my fingers started to tingling. Suddenly her voice said that I may feel tingling in my fingers & that was ok.  Then the legs went kind of numb. Then her voice saying, your legs may feel numb, but that is ok. Hmmm.

Ok, so she describes this place of peace that I should go to. She doesn't say where or what it is, it is my place. I found it & it was cool. Now understand this was the most unusual feeling I had ever had. She would tell me to breath, relax, & my arms would feel heavy. She did this several times & by the end my arms were so heavy they were like weights laying at my side. It was the freakiest, neatest thing I had ever felt before.

So, there I was in this white misty place with this palest of blue color. It was like I was swimming, but it wasn't water. When she said there was a large beautiful staircase with 10 steps & I would go down it. They were there, but I didn't have to go down them as I already was there.

At the same time on the left side of my vision I was somewhere, with a tall figure. There was green, craggy rocks behind us, something off to the right, perhaps a building/castle or something with tall craggy rocks behind it. I was going in the water. I could feel the water flowing over my shoulders. I would come out of the water, go up to this "being", but my arms around him & he would put his arms around me. He was much taller than I was, but I could see no features. But I felt safe & content there. I was happy. I would continue to go back into the water & back to this person.

After a while she was slowly bringing me out of this state & it was so strange feeling. It was just a little bit at a time, not quite the direct 1-10 like on tv. At first I couldn't move. I couldn't open my eyes. Bit my bit she told me to wiggle my fingers, wiggle my toes, wiggle my nose. Another number; open my eyes. I don't even think I can explain how unusual it felt. It is nothing like after surgery & medicine. I wasn't groggy, but awake & awesome feeling & had the strangest feeling in my stomach.



When I got into my car not only did I feel great, but that funny feeling was still in my stomach & the feeling that races through you when you feel you just met that someone that you know is your mate for life. That person you will go lives without for the one day you will be with him. That was how I felt & I don't care if you think I am crazy at 39, having 3 kids, a crappy marriage, I will take that giddy feeling inside any day!

So, in the end it is awesome! I feel great & when I went to see my friend Kerry she said I had a bright aura about me. That I was happy & it was different. It was a VERY good thing! :)

Yes, I am going back. How can I resist a past life regression now?! It may explain soooo much!

SMacLeod

P.S. I used the restroom before, so nothing would distract me. The 1 hr later, I went & swear I wouldn't stop! I told Dr. L I think the water I was playing in sunk in! :)