Most of the night I wondered about this arrangement with Jim. Is it right is it wrong? Is it necessary? Do I ask him to stay for my children? Do I allow his behavior in my home for the children? This is very hard for me because of my father being gone so much and then just gone.
Or is it necessary? Will he miss me? Will he move on? Will that be good or bad? My mother said until he moves on to someone else I will keep trying with him, like she did with Keith.
Will he miss the children and appreciate their uniqueness? Will this help him appreciate them before he loses them? What do I do? What do I say? If only he would come and offer to do something different, but he doesn't. I talk about him walking all over me and he talks about me walking all over him.
And perhaps him being there, stuck there, he will get out of some of his debt. We have to see if 1st Natl will redo the loan for him as well. He quit his bowling league last night. I asked why and he said, because I am leaving; unless you don't want me to. I told him I wasn't having that conversation. He said this is how the conversation went the last time we got a divorce.
He also mentioned how it was a mistake to remarry. I told him that before.
9:49 AM
Well, I had some tears. But we both think this is for the best, and he is going. So, who knows what the outcome will be. We will just have to wait. He is certain he will not live with us again though. He is deciding what he is taking with him. I bought the TV off of him. And we are taking the boys bowling before he goes, maybe today. It hurts the heart to know that we can't get along. But even he said he needed to get away from me and maybe he would appreciate us more. It does work that way.
I am cleaning. I didn't feel like class when I was crying. Ian watched a movie Connor started. Connor is outside, complaining. Ian is playing Legos and Faith is watching Pooh. She won't understand her dad not being here. It makes me ache.
6:23 PM
Well, this afternoon Jim went to Tularosa to sell some things for money for his trip. He came home and he, the kids and I went out to the Base (Holloman AFB). We ate lunch at Popeye's Chicken. I went to the ATM and we went into the BX. The kids each got a toy, C-nerf gun, I a nerf sling shot and faith chalk that lights up! J Then we went bowling. We bowled two games. Connor played both. We took pictures. My ache behind my left eye started in the BX.
We came home. I showered and the kids played. Jim went back to Tularosa to sell the wardrobe back for money on Friday. I guess he has to help my dad with a wood stove on Friday as well.
We got along well today. All the stress being laid off on the coming break, I guess. Well, when he got home he kept wanting me to go to his room. I did. We had sex. Don't ask me why or what it means. Break up sex. I asked if it was goodbye sex. Then I asked when he got back if he was going to want Hello sex! Augh! We are insane!
He is on the bed resting, the kids had snacks and are watching "Grimm" and I finished Majong and am watching my crime shows. I am tired.
SM MacLeod
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