Well, as usual nothing is simple between Jim & I. Sex was, perhaps not a mistake, but definitely confusing. I realized how much Jim was right about how little I appreciate him. This wasn't the sex thing. This was thinking about how I will get along without him. We talked a bit last night as to whether we should be "done" while he is gone. We do believe we cannot live together.
He took some of his stuff to Rick. Rick will pay him tomorrow. We had sex again last night. Jim says it is because we have the stress of the relationship lifted with his leaving. Very possible. But simply put I don't know how I will pay the utilities and get along without him to help me.
Today I will ask him to stay. As my mother said, some times you have to overlook some things to get others. That is what compromise is. And Dr. Phil also says to "ask" for what you want. I need to treat him more like the boys and not assume he knows what I think he should do. Even if I do!
I also pointed out we had a better sex life living apart. I think that was due to stress & expectations and simply my paranoia to "perform".
If he decides he is going to IA for the 4-6 months, then I will have to assume we are split up & get along with my life. After that time there is a good chance he will meet someone else & that is just how it will have to be. I can't sit here for that time wondering if he will come back to me. It is like Ian said at the Panorama house when Jim &I broke up, "Well, you can't cry forever." Children can see things so simply :) & it is true. I can't. So, if Jim needs to move on his own after paying everyone off then that too is okay. We just seem to clash in the same house. Go figure!
Class was short &I was stressed. I am out of ink & my ink hasn't arrived yet. It is annoying. Anyway, I guess that is where everything is at this point. It will all hinge on Jim's decision. I don't expect he will stay. 9:22 PM
The day was a mess of stress & mixed emotions & feelings. After class I went to a couple of thrift stores & I got the kids some items. I found two shirts for me that I hope look okay.
Jim went to take some more things to sell. We had dinner; my fried chicken strips. Then we went to Wal-Mart so I could get an ab-lounge. Then we went to take the kids to Baskin Robbins. I figure it was good to take them there since they like to go with their dad. Faith & I popped into Kmart; I needed a new scrubby. I also picked up some candy for the kids' Valentines & got Jim some Turtles & boxer shorts that have hot peppers that are hearts. Something to remember NM by!
The kids went to bed and Jim & I talked. Connor was & is having a hard time going to sleep. Jim & I are so confused it isn't funny! We made love again. Looking at each other, loving, & caring. Who knows what will come of it all. He said, why am I leaving? I said for a Vacation. We need this. We really do. He does, I do. We will just have to see what comes of it all. Who knows!
Connor is still awake. Ugh. Jim is helping Papa tomorrow put in a fireplace and wood stove. I will pack some of his stuff for him. I think my dad will miss him too!
SM MacLeod 9:43 PM
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