How Dare You? You Have No Clue!

I have been raising my oldest son for 15 years. That is how long he has had Bi-Polar Disorder, ADHD, CAPD, & Aspergers Syndrome (a high functioning form of Autism).

 

In my womb he moved constantly & I slept rarely. He never slept through the night after he was born. His brother was born 15 months later & althought the new baby slept, Connor still did not sleep through the night. (In fact, Connor never slept through the night until he was medicated 6 years later.)


Then he had night terrors.  These are nightmares with a capital N. They are violent, greusome, bloody & in color. Imagine having a dream like that at that age. Imagine the terror, hence Night Terrors.

At the age of 5 my son cried & said, "Mom, please take me to the doctor. I want these bugs out of me." That began the doctor visits. The pediatricians, the psychiatrists, the psychologists.

When they wanted to put my little boy on medication I cried to my mother, a nurse. She said that if it helped him be happy & healthy, then that is what I needed to do.


Anyone with a special child like mine knows the nightmare of medication trials. You don't just pick a pretty pill & it works, the world turns & all is happy.

 

Holding down a thrashing child so he couldn't hurt himself or others during a rage so strong it was hard to hold him as he was spitting, scratching, clawing, biting. This was the response to a pediatrician putting my son on ADHD meds,(stimulants), despite my telling her about the Bi-Polar & asking her to rule it out before giving him stimulants. Even though I told her his father was Bi-Polar. (His dad was dx'd with it a month later.)

The pre-school teacher called me in to tell me my sons descriptive stories & play alarmed them. I used to say he would be the next Steven King & be able to take care of me when I was old. I think they expected to find Steven King lining my shelves but we didn't watch anything any more violent than Star Wars! (He still has a wonderful imagination. And yes, it is violent, despite trying to curb it.)

The first medication they generally try is Lithium, which had no affect on Connor other than he had dark rings under his eyes & looked like he was dying. Depokote was next & one I won't forget. It is a lovely red, nasty liquid. After one try I would have to straddle my son trying to get it down his throat. Needless to say, I was covered in red & called the doc. This just was not going to work. That was when my son learned to swollow his first pill & if you have ever seen Depokote in a pill, they are no little tablets! God Bless the makers of Jell-O Pudding!

My son is now 14. We have made it throught hell & back. We have survived his father coming in & fleeing out of his life time after time, year after year. He was in the 7th grade this year & started off well. But as the year progressed Connor had to be put in a phsych unit in El Paso, TX. He was there a week & came home. Back to school. Then he got upset with me.


A lot of times he can walk off his anger, so I tried to get him out the front door to go for a walk, but he was fighting me. (Keep in mind that my son is nearly as tall as I am & is very strong.) Well, he didn't want to go & since our rental house has a glass front door he picked up something & threatened to break it. There went the walking plan.

I have also told my other son to take his sister & go to a friends house down the street as Connor up ended the table like a flash of light & as if he were brushing a piece of lint off his shirt.

Then suddenly we were fighting for my cell phone. I was trying to keep him off of me so I could make the 911 call. This isn't so easy. I swear when he is angry he turns into an octoput with 8 arms/legs. He has claws like a lion too. I have never seen nails grow likes his. And of course bruises don't show up for a couple of days....

 

 

 

As we struggled I was able to get a call through until he knocked it out of my hand. Luckily dispatchers have caller id! He called back. As Connor struggled to get away from me, all the time yelling, screaming, & telling me he wanted me dead, he ran to the kitchen & brought back a knife. "I'm going to kill you," he rages at me. "Is that really what you want to do Connor?" I said in a low, calm voice. "Yes, I want you dead!"  (Well, when you ask a dumb question like that...)


As I look at the BUTTER knife I think, This is going to hurt. Luckily, I was able to stay away long enough for him to get frustrated & throw it. Then he went & came back with a fork!


Connor finally ran out the door, saw the police lady & took off out the back yard & down the alley. After a bit she came & took my statement & I am sure better photos. She asked if I was ok since I was shaking. I explained his medical issues & that I would be calling the hospital as soon as we were done. And she would be letting juvinile hall know about the incident.


Another cop came with Connor sitting in the back looking rather pleased about the ride. He came up to me looking sad & dejected & went to his room. I called the hospital & took Connor down.

My son is  happy when we arrive. He knows what is best for him. Too bad the insurance industry is a business & does not care what happens to people long term. Too bad a child that has been telling facilities for the last 5 years he functions better in a strict structured environment is allowed to become "stable" & let loose in a very unstable world.


The lady processing the paper work asked Connor why he was there. He said, "Because I don't want to hurt my mom." The lady asked, "Why do you think you are going to do that?" He sadly stated, "Because I already did hurt her." He looked so sad I wanted to tear out my heart to make it stop aching. I know his didn't hurt any less.


At this point I knew Connor couldn't come home. His siblings were afraid of him & were terrified when I made them leave the house of what he may do to me. I had to find a safe place for him to go. What I came up against is what I have fought for the last 10 years; unsuitable facilities & insurance issues.


I have now gone through all facilities that take my insurance. There were some that were not lock-down facilities. That won't work. One that he'd been in before & had inept staff that didn't report his suicidal thoughts to the psychiatrist & where he got injured more than he ever did just being a kid. For some his IQ was too low. One was a come & go facility. Then my favorite new place in Albuquerque that I tried to get him in the last time, was seen on the news with cell phone video of a staff member abusing a severely austistic child! REALLY?!?! What are parent's supposed to do?


I found a blog about a woman who had a child that had bi-polar & who was unsafe. IT was a heartwrenching story about the family & what they had to do in the end to have a safe place for everyone. In the end, the young girl was taken in by a foster family. I knew I had to look at this as my options were dwindling. The thought of someone else take care of my son made my chest hurt. Tears stung my eyes (& still do) at the thought that someone else gets his hugs & kisses & tucks him in at night.


After much feelings of guilt & fear, a family was found. They came to see my son & when I heard that I wanted to run & get him & bring him home. I knew I couldn't do that, but it still hurt. I took the kids to go see their brother as he was going to Las Cruces the next day & we wouln't be able to see him for a while.

 

(We took him his favorite book, Spookly the Square Pumpkin & the pumpkin.)

Connor was excited about this change. At least it would be a home, not a facility. That made me feel good about it.

They get to see the smile - because he does smile now. He smiles without the stress of two siblings that are too much stimulation for him. He smiles because he has devoted foster parents who not only care about him, but have been doing this a long time & have raised their own children.


We have seen Connor a few times. His foster mother lets me know if he needs something, she has a question, & to let me know how he is doing in school. She runs a very tight ship & I know Connor thrives with that. It is something I have trouble maintaining long term with two other kids.


Last week I had a call from his therapist at FYI & got upset. She wanted to know what priveledges & punishments I will use when he comes home. She said he is doing well & I need these things in place soon. Honestly, it scared me. What did she mean soon? I got very upset & called his foster mother who felt he wouldn't be sent home before next summer. She said she would talk to them & maybe the therapist & I could talk without Connor there so I could share my concerns. I told the lady before I can't say certain things just now. There was an apt, she never called; apparently it was cancelled & no one called me.


Visiting isn't easy for us. First of all my other son has friends & more of a life than I do. Second, I am a disabled vet for a reason. Then there is the issue with driving, migraines, & Fibromyalsia. All so fun & helpful! Driving in the dark is a no no too.  These are issues that we have, along with the normal things of kids getting sick, etc. that I try to explain to FYI, but they seem not to care.


Last week we visited Connor during spring break. Frankly the kids were bored, but there isn't a great deal to do. Connor was low on patience with his siblings & I seemed high on anxiety for some reason. We did have a nice time but I was low on money & when you visit, you have to be able to go & do something with kids, esp 3 of them.


They played at the park & we chatted in between, then we went to another park for a while more. We saw a movie, had lunch & went to get an ice-cream before taking Connor home @ 3pm. I never like leaving, but when he walks in I know he is "at home" & I know he is happy, safe, fed, & cared for.


We also were able to see Connor again that week as his foster parents were going somewhere an hour away. We went to Oliver Lee Park which is an outdoor nature place where you can walk trails, climb rocks, etc. We were having a very nice time. The boys were paling around in front of me & Faith was behind with my friend who took us up.


I could not tell you how it went from 0 to 90 without me having a clue, but I didn't. One second it was fine, the next the firework (Connor) went off! He landed a horendous kick to the back of his brother's leg just above the bend. It hurt Ian badly & he refused to go near Connor. Connor was defensive & said his brother was doing something to him he didn't like. (I couldn't tell you what that was.)


So, Connor & I went followed the trail out & sat by the truck. He was upset & sorry. He was verbally beratting himself. I had to tell him that didn't fix things, that he was not bad, & everyone gets angry & it is how we choose to handle it that is what is important. He stated, "That is why I go to the facilities, to work on how to handle my anger." I know.


We stopped so Connor could see his grandfather on the way home. We didn't stay, but I wanted him to see him since he hasn't since Sept. After that we came home. He played a bit with his brother & sister & his brother's two friends (who are also afraid of Connor). This went well for a bit, but he was getting bored & didn't want to play with his sister (7yrs)  but wanted to play with one of the other kids. He snapped at his brother about his e-mail address & I won't forget the look on one of the boys' faces, he looked very scared. I hate that. Connor is really very loving & caring.


I explained to Connor that Ian didn't do anything wrong & he shouldn't yell at him & he agreed. His foster parents came shortly after & I told Carol what happened. She asked what consequence I gave him & I didn't know what more to do. We left & he didn't get to have fun there any more. What else was I supposed to do?  (Just yesterday I was berated by the FYI person who is his case manager that I should have had him sit on a chair, not interacting with anyone until I called the foster parents & they came.)

This brings me to the call from the FYI case manager. Besides her was the foster mother & the counselor. I was told that I was not involved enough. That I need to be in family counseling more. I was told what I did wrong when Connor visited. They have an issue with how Ian acts. (It's called his personality & it is different.) They want me to bring Ian down there for counseling with Connor.


I explained I have been going to counseling with my kids for 10 years. Hmmm working yet? My kids are what they are. Couseling is not going to change Connor because he does not have the built in ability most people have to think before acting. He has no aforethought. It is not there.


She said I was going to need to watch him at all times. Sure, no problem, I will just forget I have two other kids! I was told there are other single parent families with big families that can implement at least some of their rules. That other single parents have done it. (Apparently, I am not one of them, I told her & started to get upset.)


But they don't seem to get the fear of his coming home. He is "progressing" & able to be directed & taught, so he will be getting released in about 3 months, because of.....the insurance.


One that ticked me off is when she said if I was planning on placing Ian as well (WHAT?!) since I was having problems with him, that the fosterparents were willing to take him.

I have no intentions on placing Ian. His problems are school related, I pointed out. "Oh," she said sounding disappointed! Good Lord! First they want to get rid of one & then take one!

I tried to explain I cannot have him live here, but she seemed to somehow turn that around on me & made me feel inept. Like it was all my fault that I couldn't handle this & how concerned they are for Connor's well being. What? If you are concerned for my son's well-being, leave him where he is thriving & happy!

She said the foster parents usually have more kids & I know the mom has mentioned wanting to get another. Well, maybe they will see how stressful that is for him, I don't know. I expressed the concerns about his coming home in the beginning & was told some children stayed long term. I felt ok with that since he was doing so well & was happy.

I think what made me the maddest was when they said they thought my son felt he was not wanted. That pissed me off. My son is loved, wanted, cared about, & has always been wanted! How dare she?

If anyone else was saying anything I couldn't hear them. I was curious what the FMom thought & thought maybe she would call me, but she didn't. Perhaps she agrees with them then.

When I told Ian his brother would probably be release in 3 months he looked at me & said, "What are we going to do with him now?" He has asked me this at least two more times since.

My sister wanted to know what Connor wanted. I said he talks about coming home, but we also talk about how where he is he doesn't have the same stressors & he is glad. But that doesn't matter, does it now?

It is hard until someone says you are ok. I know I have done a lot the last 12 years to help my children & my ex who was also eventually diagnosed with severe Bi-Polar Disorder & can't function as an adult. It is one thing I never put up with from my boys. They will not use it as an excuse or a crutch.

I have gone through having no friends, no life outside my kids & that is just fine. But when you see other kids afraid of your child & the stares at looks & disdain because they "look normal".  It is isolating.

I have an ex that would rather not know & lives in another state so he doesn't have to, & no family support where I live. I lost my house last year, packed up my kids & moved to KS so I could place Connor in a facility when the one in NM was not working & refused to move him to another facility within NM.

I have worked my butt off & after yesterday I feel like I have to justify my life, my choices, my home, & my kids. I, frankly, am tired. I am worn out. And now, I have been told I don't care enough, I am not involved enough, I am, in short, not good enough.