Okay, maybe if I type it I will feel better & be able to let my dad move on & let it go. At least that is my hope since every night I lay here thinking about it & it is driving me crazy.
June was my birthday & without my mother I understood somewhat my dad, whom I actually call "Pop" not talking much. For Father's Day my sister & I were concerned & did a lot of looking a lot at each other as he did not seem to enjoy himself. Was this the lack of mom again? After asking him later he told us he felt it was silly & a commercial way to get money. My sister & I found it upsetting as we had gotten him things we felt he could/would use & not really frivulous things as we know he doesn't like that. He felt what he had was good enough.
Last July my father & I had a falling out, which you can read @ if you really want to. It wasn't exactly about me, but cruel things were said & I felt his behavior had been unusual from the way he acted from before his trip to the UK where he took some of my mother's ashes to be put in a castle, to after he came back. I tried sharing my feelings with him, but he didn't feel he had been acting any different. I felt a definate distancing. On top of that, it was my Aunt Brenda who told me about what they did with my mother's ashes, not my dad. He later said he thought my sister & I would come out to visit, but we were already feeling uncomfortable & decided to wait a while.
I used to love talking to my dad whenever he would stop by to use the phone between his chimney sweep apts. He would talk politics with me & we didn't have to agree & that was what was fun, plus he is a Brit, so what can be more fun & he was my dad. (A long process in itself with a step-parent.) He love my children & they him. So, when this falling out occured & he said he didn't feel we were that close & never really talked I found it really hurtful. I found a lot of it hurtful & after 22 years of him being my father, I didn't understand it.
I went weeks without answering my own door any time the bell rang & took to locking my door, which anyone can tell you, I never do. I was afraid to see my own father. (See July fight to see there was a second "fight".)
During this time my sister left to help take care of our Uncle Joe in KS. She refused to say goodbye to out dad, despite my telling him to tell her goodbye. She is more stubborn than me. :) So, when my son attacked me I didn't want my own dad involved. I didn't even tell him.
Eventually, there was a hug & an appology, but it was my appology with a statement that he was my dad for 22 yrs & we had never fought. He said he knew. Of course we didn't always agree, but never "fought". So, why was I still not comfortable with my own dad?
When Ian, Faith & I went to the house he & my mother had up the hill for Thanksgiving, the first without my mother, I was uncomfortable. Partly, because my mother was missing. Partly because of things me said & I felt I should be doing certain things & not others, so I didn't enjoy myself & want to escape, something I would never have done before. It was painful.
Then the next difficulty was Christmas. I didn't want a replay at the house, but I didn't have to worry, he didn't want anything for Christmas. Who heard of such a thing? How can you not buy your grandfather & father something for Christmas? I hated it. Even if it was a pair of shoes he wanted or something. Of course I couldn't even find those, darn it. He came over to watch the children open presents. I opened the presents my sister sent me. It was the most depressing Christmas I had in my entire life. At least the Christmas my mother died before we had presents she had for us. At least my dad was a part of it. He was present in body & spirit. At least my kids were happy even though Connor was not with us & with a foster family. I didn't even get to see him for Christmas as it was a trial period. Wonder if my dad even thought of that. Oh my thank goodness I am a Catholic & know that it was about Jesus' birth or I would have lost my mind!
Well, I did technically get him one thing that happened to come in the mail just as he was leaving as this was early Christmas Eve. It was a Grandfather's Journal. I was hoping he would fill it out for his side of his family for the children. He didn't thank me, but said, he would "see what he could do". I have never heard @ it since.
He would come around every other weekend or two or three before church. He would ask what I knew, which wasn't usually too much. On occassion I would remember something if my sister had text me that week. Mostly it was just that my uncle was doing ok or just normal sister talk, nothing vital. He knew more about things than I did since he calls people & I don't. I guess I did all my calling as a teen ager & young adult!
When Tess (my sister) sent me photos a couple weeks ago of my Uncle Joe getting around & my new cousin Melody he didn't seem interested or he didn't say as much. Hard to tell with Pop some times. He isn't overly expressive. So, I talked less during his visits.
He would ask about the kids. Ian & Faith were there most of the time, but not always overly talkative. Ian knew of the fight of course & is very protective of us. (He had asked his grandfather to leave before in July. I don't think he understood the changes either.) In short, we grew further apart. I don't like it. It bothers me. I didn't know how to fix it.
Easter...Since my boys could walk Easter was spent with family. After my Aunt no longer had us all around my mum & dad had us out at their house for egg hunts, baskets & a meal....always. This year not even a Happy Easter. I had no Connor either. I couldn't visit & had to send him a late "basket". He asked the next visit what we did. That was the last we saw for a couple more weeks & he showed up in the middle of the week, which is better as many weekends I am worn or have Fibro attack or tired from trips to Las Cruces. He said he thought he would stop by since he hadnt seen us for a while. He asked how we were & said he had a girl friend. He did seem a bit bashful about it. I am afraid I wasn't overly serious & asked if she was 4 legged or 2 legged. He said he wasn't into that type of thing & I said I thought perhaps he got a new dog & was quite serious. He had laughed. I asked him some questions. He told me her name. She was from NY. He had done her chimney's before. That was really the jist of the conversation.
Apparently, he told my sister a couple wks before & she was trying to "think of a way to tell me". I didn't realize I had gotten so scary in my old age, but apparently I have. I was wondering why he would ask her to dog sit when he went on a trip in Aug when she lived in KS instead of me when I lived here. Still didn't make since. Apparently, he was going away for a month with this girl friend. Is it just me or does that seem like an awful long time for someone who just told me he has a girl friend, albeit he has been seeing her at least a month if he told my sister before me.
Okay, so yup I ran to my best friend, thank God for her & thank God for her; yes I said that twice, that my mum has been gone 1 yr 4 mo & my dad has a girlfriend. (I have also not seen or heard from my dad since he told me either.)
I told my son, "Pop just told me he has a girlfriend". I said nothing. He said, "Great he just throws my grandma aside." He is still mourning. So is my other son. My daughter isn't mourning, she is young, but she talks about her a lot my friend, Kerry tells me.
So, that bothered me a lot. I realized that when having dinner & my son made a similar comment & Kerry tried to console him & I got angry with her comment. They weren't bad, but I got angry, actually angry inside. Oh, yeah, bothering me a hair. Then the dreams started. I was not a happy camper & they weren't just one-sided either. In one my mother was dating another man & I told this "man" what too. "Listen, I have had two dads, my biological one & my step-dad & I have no room for another." So, at least I know I was being fair!
Mother's Day last year my sister & I received cards from my dad. I especially miss my mum on this day & it seemed harder this year, so maybe I was more touchy, but I never heard from my dad at all on Mother's day this year.
The dreams let up & then I was hit with another blow. My Aunt Megs (Maggie) had a call a few weeks ago from my dad where he told her he had a girlfriend. (To my chargrine my aunt thought this was good news.) What nearly brought me to tears was that she is living with him & apparently has been. She is living in my mother's home. This is what I can't get passed. We never even had the chance to meet her. "I asked someone out to dinner." "Really?" None of that. But see she is in the home my parents bought together, on the land they chose, in my mother's bedroom, in her bed & maybe a man has no couthe & many have no clue, but women do & as her daughter knowing what I know about her happiness & lack of it down right pisses me off. And there is a little issue with my Uncle Robert doing a similar number on my Aunt Joey a few yrs before & my dad talking to him about his strange behavior? Ha! Amazing!
Okay, so here is the clincher. My aunt says, there is a problem with them living together. He says he isn't Catholic, but Church of England. They teach the same she says. This woman is Catholic & been married twice before. My aunt was worried she was maybe just after some man to take care of her. Maybe, I wouldn't have a clue now would I. I don't even know her full name! So, now they are working on her frickin annulment!!! Do you know what an annulment in the Catholic religion is for folks? Getting frickin married!
Okay, since the frickins are coming now, not so sure the writing thing is going to fricking work out as airing out & trying to work throug this & let it go. Crap! See, why I named it this? I felt like I lost my mum & about six months later I lost my dad. The only real dad I had. It really sucks. God, I miss my mum. I am glad she is with you. But I can't help but wish maybe my son was with her too. Then I know he would be safe. Maybe if you would just come for us now, we could all be at peace. Right?
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