Being Guilty is part of being a Mom?

A friend told me being guilty was part of being a Mom. That may be true, but it sure doesn't make you feel better, does it!

Some times being a mother of two is all that I can handle & since I am a mother of three there is a problem with that. Hey guess what? Guilt....shame. How do other parents do it? Is it because I also had a mentally ill husband for so many years as well or is that just an excuse? What about people who have ill spouses like my uncle?

I want to cry, but like mourning for the loss of my mother, I shove it away. I do not want to feel it. It isn't just the pain, but the migraines that are so severe that I get when I cry that they automatically throw me into Fibro days which put me into bed. That not only sucks, but I get it often enough which takes away from the kids I take care of, what little life I have, & the few visits I get to make to see Connor in Las Cruces. Even with the trips that are perfectly great, like Mother's Day was, I ended up automatically with migraines followed by Fibro days. I so do not understand this Fibro crap. I do not mid suffering it as other's suffer much greater things like my mother suffering her amputations for no good reason & my aunt her suffering her cancer for so long & the severe pain, but for what it takes away from my kids. My hypnotherapy helps a great deal, but I would rather spend the money on the kids when we go see their brother & of course you should see the prices of the Fibro meds that the VA will not cover. Eek!

There are times I hear Connor's voice or I don't agree (as I can't always as we are not identical) with his foster parents & I want to bring him home & others I know he is okay & doing well in school & she is doing so much for him & again I want to cry. I feel inept at times. I feel tired. I don't want to feel tired. I want to feel energetic. I so want to see my hypnotherapist. She was so good for me. I left feeling so positive. Too bad insurance doesn't cover that either.

Why can't the stupid things pay for what works darn it! I did therapy for years.  Connor did too. He can understand when he is calm. What they don't get is the harm is done when he isn't & when he isn't the aforethought isn't there & that is what scares parents like me & makes us constantly think about the "what if's" & the "when is does".  The "when it does" being the more prevelent & the scariest as you don't want it to happen to some innocent person or person's child.

Ian is just a giant ball of jovial energy that could wear you out in 30 minutes or less! Faith is a moody little ball of fluff or stingers depending on how she is reacting to everything around her! Crazy life. Fruity family. I wouldn't have them any other way, except for them not to have suffered the pain they have had to dealt with in their short lives. I had divorced parents, went back & forth for some yrs between parents & aunt & uncle, but had an awesome childhood until I was @ 14. I have no complaints. Until my marriage. Whole other topic. Them, such pain. It is the only thing I would never wish on little ones. Wish I could be a better mum for them. Wish I could be stronger for them. Maybe if I could cry more, for them. I love you three with all my heart. Without you I would be nothing. I love you all. SMacLeod  :):):)