Letter to Jim - 2001

Dearest Jim,

Hello. Well, I had a week and a lot came into my heart, my mind, and my soul. I decided there are certain things I want, and there are honestly only a couple of catches! Really!

I know that I miss you when you aren’t here with me. The bible isn’t quite as adventurous; the conversation not quite as interesting. Church is a bit empty when you’re not in your spot with a child crawling over you; or your strong arms picking one of them up.

I know that I want married the way I always wanted us married: In a special moment about your and my commitment to each other. I do not know all your reasons for choosing me. But I chose you because I fell in love with you. I did not choose the problems, but they were allowed to nearly tear us apart. In choosing you there should have been no space between us, for anything to squeeze in. If you chose me, why did all the other people get a space? That should have been our space and it should have only been ours.

I believe that if we truly remember how it felt, nothing else then or now needs to matter next to God. For with him we have each other, a home, two beautiful sons, (and two nutty cats), and family that cares about us.

However, the lying has to stop. Or I will no longer be able to proceed with my life with you. And the reasons are because I want better for my kids than someone they may find lied to them. You can’t tell our son in a restaurant that you do not smoke when you do. It is far better to say, “I have a problem, but maybe you can help me quit. Because, like you, I know it is really bad for me.” I don’t want to explain to them that you are lying in that coffin, because you did not care enough about yourself and us. And for the memory they have be that you lied.

I chose not to drink from the day I met you. I have chosen not to drink because there is nothing so bad that God can’t carry for me that alcohol can. Or drugs or smoking. See? But the lying is what I hate the most, because then I do not know when you do tell me the truth. Does he love me, or is he lying? Does he want another child? Does he want to be a better father? One lie is all it takes for the trust to be broken.

Church. I need God in my life more than a bible reading. I need him incorporated into ever thing. I need him in the morning and afternoon and night. I need church and I need you to share that responsibility with me for the sake of our sons’ souls. It says in the bible about the bad kings that they “caused Israel to sin”. And we will be guilty of the same if we do not teach them how to follow God and be good people. I am not sure if we have to wake you at 4am on Sat for you to go in early or if you need to talk to Dawn. We need that together. That or we need to go on Sun like 930a and you go in late. You help decide please. And I will try and lay off the late working times – at the Casino. (But there are times that if you miss out on something we’ve planned, the people you care about most may stop wanting you to be there all together. And I don’t want that to be the boys.)

I am glad you got time with your dad. I think it was good. But think how great it would have been to a child.

Money. If you can’t handle it with me, and you don’t want me to handle it, then we need to take it to A. Joey. We cannot blow it all because you are making more. We are behind and nearly $300 short a month. We have paid no taxes. We need to come to a solution on the money situation. But I do not think I should give you money to blow on cancer. I do not want to worry about money all the time. Someone asked me today, “Does he want to you be worried and stressed about money your whole marriage?”

Do you? We need to start a savings. In case we had a fire. Or one of the children got ill. Anything. You are supposed to have SIX months worth in a savings! And I hate being pushed and pulled. One day I am the warden guarding the money. The next I am the thief giving it to you to make you quiet. I don’t like you not having money in your wallet, but you can’t even keep it. Maybe it would be good for A Joey to help us through this raise. I don’t want to repeat what we’ve always done. And that is blow anything we’ve had.

No more credit companies. No more lies. Church. No smoking. I need you to stand beside me, strong and tall as if defending me from the lions, no matter who or what that lion may be. I will never forget something someone once said. And the saying was worth more than him ever doing it. “I will defend you like you’ve never been defended before”. A man said that about a woman he loved. Must be one heck of a love story!

We need the bills paid FIRST. Then, when all is said and done we need to decide whether it gets split or siphoned out by a third party. Whatever. You can blow more money on bottled soda……Maybe if it was in your wallet you’d protect it more. I think a certain amount should be given and if more is needed perhaps a talk about the necessity? I am just trying to find a way we can both agree upon.

Aflac – fine keep it. I still think there are better insurance like Blue Cross (no maternity) that are better than the Casino. They only pay 70% and if you want another kid You will be paying like $2,000 to hospital etc for it. If I get enough disability (some millinium) want the Lovelace. They have great medical.

I love you a lot. More that you will ever know, due to my inability to vocalize it. I love so much about you-you may die never knowing. I will never marry anyone else. And I want you to be sure that marrying in the church is what you want with me. I do not want to ever hear, “Lets just divorce” again. If that is ever what you want, don’t bother telling me, just send me the papers. I think if I come home and all the clothes are gone, I will get the hint. You might leave a note saying why or who her name is, but I only need that for closure. Curiosity would kill me. I’d actually have a man hunt just to ask why.

I do not want the nasty mouth in front of the kids. Say something brilliant that will stun me like, “Dear, the kids are present and we do not want to dement them more than they are normally. So, I can write it down on paper or we can take it up later in private.” And for the sake of the boys, I will try to do this. Paper is much safer for me.

Kids. Well, this is a funny one. I have always wanted a lot. But then I married un-medicated you. I am not understanding that the next child will do any different. I do not see the diapers etc being different. And if they are I may be hurt that Connor and Ian were not. I do not want to get pregnant this year. Lets see how it plays out. I want to see how the boys do in school. How your job is. If we are even here. How money is, as I will definitely want a van! I want to see us in church, with God, and our marriage as a Christian couple.

I think I could want one. I think I could see stopping the depo if the rest of the year goes well. No crying during holidays and birthdays. No job coming before birthdays and anniversaries or whatever. I’d hate to hear, “Well, honey I would have been at the hospital, but the bus still hasn’t come”…..See my point? "I'm sorry Jim, you have broken bones? Well, as soon as my washer stops and I hang them on the line I will be right over…."

I am thinking of the shop. There are things I think I’d like to do without a baby. I am not saying no yet. I think I have to see that you want one and why. Otherwise, it will be like I was told once, “You have kids for you. Not for them.” And I have to be sure if your end doesn’t hold up, that I want the baby. For me. So I don’t resent a child and gift from God.

Anyways, how many chapters is this? I do love you. I did miss you. The boys missed you. When Ian heard a noise when they were going to sleep he said, “That’s Dada out there”. Guess even they are used to you being noisy! I will be glad to see how this year ends. No matter how it ends though, it has been our best year. I love you.

MacLeod (So, can I change my name yet?! HaHa!)