1. Physical Description of biological father:
Tall, balding, plate blue eyes, tattoos on forearms; one of an eagle. White, but tanned. Big hands. Wore western shirts with snaps and cowboy boots.
To a little girl he was very big. I help onto his finger when we went places. I loved being with him. He drove a truck and was gone a lot. When he was home he lay on the couch and slept or on the floor and slept.
2. He left me. He hurt my mother.
3. His love. His being my father even when he left my mother for a trucker whore.
4. His inability to stay put!
5. He left me. HE didn't spend much time with me.
6. How he called me baby.
7. Nothing
8. Moving constantly. Inability to be happy where I am. Stubbornness.
9. I did this in my early 20's and I did mail it. I told him what it was like to have my mother tell me and my sister that Santa was poor and that year and as a child to tell her it was okay.
That he didn't pay child support and my mother had to give us to our Aunt (Joey) to raise and then work her butt off to support us. I missed out on my own mother as a child because of him (Keith).
And the whole time I blamed my mom. She never said one bad thing about him. But he never came all the time I looked, waited, and had nightmares. I was just another daughter he dumped.
Tony: Description of Step dad age 17
He is thin, brown, has really strong hands that he always hurts. He does a lot of physical work. He worked at British Aerospace.
He wore sandals over socks. He had thinning hair and a beard.
2. I hated when my mom and I weren't getting along and I confided in him and he told my mom he felt I was trying to divide them. I felt betrayed.
3. Open support in my decisions.
6. He was a really hard worker.
7. Himself, stepping into our family with a bratty teenager!
8. To be able to create from what I have. Believe what I believe.
9. We didn't always get along. I didn't like my mom's loneliness and sadness. I know you truly love her and loved us. It was no little task walking into out lives. I am grateful something from then has become a great friend and my dad!
My Mother:
My mom is tall, pretty, and has green eyes with specks in them. She has elegant beautiful thin hands with long fingers. She has sharp features; pointy nose, sharp chin and high Cherokee cheek bones.
2. I hate that she doesn't have the ability to be more interested in my interests.
3. The "feeling" she was proud of me.
4. Perhaps too much "I can do it myself".
5. Her drinking and going out.
7. My independence and ability to keep a toe grounded! Being strong.
8. Harshness, don't ask for help choice husband I can't rely on.
9. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for showing me how to be strong. I wish we would have had more time when I was a child. I wish I knew you were proud of me as a child. I wish I had things you felt in commonr or at least took an interest in my likes. I am proud I had you as my mother. I am sorry Keith made it hard for you. I wish I could give you an easy life and was less of a worry for you. I love you and thank you.
Joey - My aunt who helped raise me.
Long hair. I would play and put barrettes in her hair until she cut it off. Big busted, heavy, large frame. Rought feet, veiny hands. I played with her veins in church. A silver cross with diamonds she always wore from Uncle Robert. Sleevless tops, slacks, and slip on shoes of all colors.
2. Child - unsure, favoritism towards Tonya (my younger sister) the older I got.
3. Her approval.
4. Her overbearing need to control personality.
5. When she put me down; made me feel bad about myself.
6. Her devotion to God; that she took me in.
7. Her strength, ability to help and teach others.
8. Controlling.
9. I wish I knew as a child that I was good enough. That I knew not being in control could be okay. I wish you hadn't thrown out my writings. I didn't like how you cared for Tonya in away that made me feel inferior. I loved you and you gave me many positive things. I am grateful you took me in a taught me Catholicism. I am proud to be a Catholic.
I loved the old chess set and playing. I loved listening to you play the accordion and singing. I am glad you took me every where with you; educated me; wrote me every day when I was in boot camp and my graduation. I am glad my children all met you.
Emotions that trap me:
Hurt, disappointment, abandonment, betrayal, put downs, lack of acceptance, feeling excluded (odd one out), controlling me, not being or feeling that I was ever good enough!
Fears: Failure, not being good enough, not living a good life, not living up to standards, not living a notable enough life, not being a good enough mom, being looked down on my Jim, my Aunt, and my family. Afraid of making a mistake regarding Jim. Afraid of making a mistake regarding the kids. I have made mistakes and am afraid it will do damage long term.
Event: Jim's mother
Choices: Didn't stand up for myself @ marriage, bridal shower, later, visit in 97, divorce time, etc.
Me
I hate how I lack patience. I seemed to have had more before.
I hate that I am overweight.
I hate how I give in to Jim.
I hate that I settle for what "others" think I should have.
I hate that I feel I am a failure.
I hate that I don't feel I am successful.
I hate that I don't feel good enough.
I want to feel okay with myself. At peace, calm.
I want to Jim to understand I am not something to be used.
Probably remain broken up from him.
Hurt, but more at peace.
For my children to be okay. Keep teaching them. Show a better example, ie., behavior. Content that they'll be okay and live a productive life. July 24, 2005 10:12 pnm
I want to "feel" that I am doing things right for my life and my kids. I want to feel calm, but I seem agitated; stressed constantly. I feel like I am running out of time. I have no idea how to get this on my own.
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