Top 5 things I have failed to admit or acknowledge Nov 2005

November 30, 2005, 8:05 AM



Top 5 things I have failed to admit or acknowledge:


#1 I have no idea! Let see. Hmmmmmm.


I feel overwhelmed most of the time.


I feel trapped at times.


I feel like a failure.


I feel I do not accomplished as much as I should or could.


I want to feel better about my appearance.


I always want things I can’t have. (Esp. love)


I feel like I am growing old without accomplishing what I want!


I feel I lack patience I didn’t use to lack!


#2 “The Story I’ll Tell Myself if I Don’t Create Meaningful and Lasting Change After Reading and Studying This Book.”


“After reading and studying this book, I did not create meaningful and lasting change because….”


I am lazy. I am tired of coming up with ways to change. I have tried hard enough. There is no one to help me out. I would rather dream impossible dreams of what I want than to actually try and get some. I can’t figure out why I can never be happy so I go on just trying to make myself happy the way I always have.


No, Dr. Phil, it isn’t working!


Work book page 3

A quick self-check:


I’m capable of more than I am accomplishing.


I’m stuck in a rut and not getting what I want. (I am not sure if I know what I want.)


I’m bored with myself


I’m just “going through the motions” of my life with no passion, no plan, and no goal.


I’m living in a comfort zone that yields too little challenge and too little of what I do want, and too much of what I don’t want.


I’m suffering financial burdens I can’t handle. (Which I create and can’t control.)


Page 4/5

Chronology: The Story of My Life


Positive Age Negative


4 Upsetting uncle Robert


Moving back & forth Moving back and forth


Living on the farm in Utah 5 Nightmare


School recess Living at flea markets

Riding my bike in Montezuma (KS) 7-8


Changing schools-Kiowa


Leaving Eliz friends/schl


Moving to Dodge City


Trouble in school


Trouble with Sara


Trouble w Christina


The girl scouts


Trips to U Joe’s in Ulysses


Moving to trailer in DC


Feeling very alone here


My uncle Robert saying mean things @ me


Visits from family members/mom


Visiting mom for Easter w Tonya I didn’t want to come home and no one at home cared.


Being around other family


Going roller skating 10-12


Loving my Michael Jackson music 10-12


Recess 10-12 School - class


Friends Going to the Bazaars


Liking boys Liking boys


Spending summers with my cousin


Visiting my mom Devil worship/bad kids


Issues about my dad


Going places with my Aunt etc My aunt saying mom was just buying my love with her gifts.


10-12 Mom seeming to be annoyed by my presence


My moms smoking


Aunt getting me to talk to her about it and mom getting mad at me


Christmas 1981 my uncle John died of a heart attack. He and my aunt Anita went to check the neighbors place and on the way home he said he had heartburn. He took something and went to lay down. He had a heart attack. My grandfather, who lived with them at the time, tried to revive him and had to be pulled off by my Aunt Anita. He had a 2 yr old daughter. He’d been a lifer in the USN and was one of my favorite uncles. I had spent the summer before with them. My first funeral.



13 Moving to NM


Starting new school


Fighting w Joey & Robert


Spending more time w U Jerry & A Shelley


My A & Uncle moving out My A & Uncle moving out


Empty promises by my Uncle Jerry


Wearing my A Shelley’s clothes


Watching movies at U Jerry’s


My Grandpa living there.


My Aunt having Chris.


Being alone in the house to type, sing, do my music routines w baton.



Writing poetry.



Studying Vet Medicine Not too good in school.



Breaks and lunch Classes I wasn’t good at



Good friends who I spent time with her family (Before J moved out)



School selling, making hot dogs Sr. and Science! Ugh. L



Boyfriend for 1 week


Halloween and going w U Jerry, A Shelley, and taking care of Chris (schl)


Friend Rene (guy) and all my classmates really


Steve and I on the phone for a couple of weeks


U Jerry being a chaparone and tk class to Albuquerque for grad


He said I could buy anything (at mall) for my coming birthday


I bought sheet music from Julian Lennon’s Valotte. I still have it.


Graduated 8th grade speaking at mass. Yuck.


Singing in choir on Sundays until…..


I got George! A boom box I wanted and had until my 20’s! J


Birthday in the park with school friends.


Stopping attending church


Disappointing Gpa re church


School - socially classes I did bad in. Economics/Math


Visiting family members in KS/CO!


Liking David Richard Foster!


Walking to the hospital where my mom worked


My cousin Tamara Kaye moving in My cousin Tamara Kaye moving in


My mother going out and drinking


Moving to the country


My mother getting a boyfriend


My mother getting a boyfriend His youngest causing problems


His daughter and I became best friends forever.


Staying at their house on base.


We did everything together even drivers ed! They called us the door bell twins.


Still being best friends with Michelle


I liked dressing outrageous. This was the 80’s! I had hair 6 inches off my head. I would streak it black with my mascara and brush it out before my mother got home.


I convinced my mom to let me get a second ear piercing by convincing her to get one! J


Shelton - a friend across the road in Dog Canyon.


Kimiko a friend in Dog Canyon. They told her she way dying of Cancer. We took her to KS with us on a trip that summer. She and I fought. We stayed with a friend of my mom’s - a nursing friend as she had a reunion. I had a crush on the lady’s youngest son. They had 6 kids. But as always I never say what I want to say at the time!


Liking boys!


Bought 3 boys roses for Valentine’s day.


John Bowman - a boy who like me! - But like Jim and I, he & I never clicked at the right time. Michelle also had a crush on him.


He came to see me at Michelle’s on base one night. VERY cool! J


My mom breaking up with Al.


My mom being sad.


Mom finding a lump.


Same in school. I liked boys and social time.


Time with Michelle and her family.


My mom dating again. I refused to meet him.


My mom meeting Tony. He told her he was going to marry her when he met her. I said good for him, but I hadn’t met him. I am not sure how open I was really.


I nearly killed Tony, mom and Tonya. I din’t drive the best and almost got hit pulling out of White Sands Natl. Monument. I also discovered my eye problems that night. Got glasses shortly after. Which my aunt never thought I needed since when I was in the 4th grade I faked needing them to have glasses like my Uncle John.


I was close to all my family especially my uncles!


I used to walk my grandpa home next door after he’d have dinner over or visited. I loved that. I regretted not listening more to him. I was at that age, and always regretted that.


My Mom & Tony’s wedding.


My grandpa moving in.


Mom was moving to the UK with Tonya, I had one yr of HS left.


Jerry & Shelley lived next door.


I would live with my Grandpa, but my aunt, whom I was NOT getting along with again would have final say.


The day after my mother left my grandfather had to be taken to the hospital. I think he was waiting for my mom to get married. Here a lot of bad for me happened. My aunt had no compassion for my feelings, to me, during this time. My mom was gone. My other Aunts/Uncles were fighting with her during this time as well.


My teacher let me go see my Gpa at the hospital during my co-op and my aunt was NOT happy. I ignored her. My grandpa knew I was there. I told him he had to get better. “I’ll try,” he said, “I’ll try.” I stayed there the whole time. That evening when I left his eyes were looking heavenward. He was still breathing. I often wondered if he tried too hard. When I went home with my cousin Tamara Kaye to shower etc, we got the call not to come back because he’d passed away. I regretted not being there.


The second thing was that my grandfather had asked for my mom. I didn’t know; I wasn’t there when he did. I would have called my mom. I know when she found out it really tore her up. I always felt bad for her.


Things were worse then. Everyone converged on my mother’s house without permission to divvy things up. My aunt was annoyed because the night of my grandfather’s “wake” was a dance. I wanted to go and she didn’t want me to. Lucky for me, my mother called and I asked her. Still the top with permission. She said yes, so afterwards I went.


I stayed over at my Aunt Shirley and U Joe’s. My aunt thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t cry. (I didn’t cry until two years later when Natasha Yar died on Star Trek the Next Generation. Something about when she died and the message she left hit a cord.)


When my mother came home she was unhappy about several things I had been allowed to do and those I did on my own. I was angry at my aunt and her behavior. I blurted out that she had him buried before he died (My grandpa). I know now this was a horrible thing, but I felt like that then.


When my mother returned I was out of options. Live with my aunt or move to the UK. I was NOT happy nor was I helpful, kind, nice, or anything but a pain. I cried and cried and would end up moving to the UK after school was out. Until then I stayed in the house and my uncle kept an eye on me.


My mom & Tony went back to find a home and school. They wrote me letters and I wrote them. I didn’t fancy the idea of uniforms and little rock cottages. Now I would return in a heart beat!


When we moved to the UK I was a pain. But it didn’t take me long to move into a UK style of dress, write, listen to my music, meet friends in the park and have a boyfriend briefly. Jason Morgan. He met my folks, I said something really dumb trying to be funny. We talked a lot, but already I was talking of the US. I met his folks. But after a short time I didn’t hear from him or see him again. I think it got back about a comment of marriage. I expect that would terrify any boy at 16!


School was a new terror for me. However, I was somewhat of a phenomenon being American. I only had one run in with a girl that didn’t like me. I liked a boy named Andrew. I am afraid I was never too bashful when I liked someone. They usually knew it. He was a ham and had no real interest in me, although I’d say we were friends.


I cried the first day of school. I didn’t want to go. The shoes gave me tons of blisters! Ouch. School was better for me here. I liked it better. I excelled at things I was good at. The school worked with the US school so I would be able to graduate. It was fun picking out my own grades!  They don’t grade the same way.


I was also a showoff. When I worked co-op I would go to the school in regular clothes which wasn’t allowed since we wore uniforms. Skirts, white shirts, sweater, tie. So, I got to show off my American look.


I worked at the RSPCA (pound) for quite a time. I fed, cleaned, and loved them. I wanted a dog and found a long haired Collie. My mom liked them and I had hoped she would let me have it. When I convinced them, the dog was gone the next day. I had gotten my parents there and I was crushed. Then I found Merlin. A new pup that was part German Shepard and part Lab. I wanted him. My parents surprised me when I came home. They had gotten him for me! I had fights with my dad about him. He barked at night out in his pen. I didn’t walk him enough. He threatened several times to take him away.


Ater working there I changed to a job in another town working at a school for special needs children. I mostly worked with Down’s children. I had a favorite that didn’t talk. He didn’t have Down’s. I am not sure what. Thomas was his name. Then there was a chubby little Down’s boy names James. He was a sweetie.


When we lived in Penny-Lane Rd my mom and I butt heads. Tony would ask me what I wanted to be and I didn’t know. I knew before like in the 8th grade. But not here and not any more. I wanted to be a housewife. If was common here. I wanted to be a mom. Maybe that is why I want to go back. It is accepted, my life style. It is not uncommon. It is supported and I would have friends. Here I am isolated. Alone.


When we moved to the cottage things got worse with my mother. When I confided in Tony he told my mother that he thought I was trying to come between them. I felt betrayed. I simply wanted someone to talk to. My mother and I eventually concluded that I would move out right after graduation. We just couldn’t get along.


We traveled to see my Grandmum a lot and my other relatives. I got close to my cousin Christine. She is also my dad’s Goddaughter.


I loves WH Smith’s. I loved food from there. I loved the life style. It took me a while, but I did.


I colored by hair red for the first time. They sold packets at the chemist. I’ve been doing it ever since!


I thought about becoming a Nanny for some time. I could go different places and have children around.


I was and had been writing the story I still try to work on. I was reclusive. I preferred it this way. I had my friends and I did things with them, hung out at school, etc. The older I got the less I did with my family.


My family and I went to London. I took the ASVAB test to possibly join the USN. The recruiter made me uncomfortable the whole time I was with him. I just wanted to get away from him. I did well on the test, but this guy was promising me jobs before he even knew the results. Then after we, including my mother, told him I wasn’t joining he kept calling and harassing us. He kept calling saying when I was going in. Ugh.


In May I returned to stay with my Aunt Joey’s. I had to attend the last month so that I could graduate. As usual I was isolated. I felt out of place. I hated the counselor that I had to deal with. The good part was seeing the few friends that I had known for a really long time. I hang out with Jenice. Graduating was good. I did talk to the recruiter here, but didn’t go in. And my aunt spoiled me like she always had. She had a bunch of things for me that she would keep until we moved back.


Tonya was not doing well there, though. She was depressed. Children treated her badly. I think it was because she was much shier. She did well in their schooling as well. Taking French and German at the same time, learning to play the flute. We watched tv together and played games etc. But at school, socially she wasn’t doing well. My age of friends were more friendly with her. She was also outgrowing me by the age of 10 physically. She hated it and I felt bad for her. Joey and Robert were coming and they were going to take her back with them. I didn’t like this.


When they came things were not any different. I was not happy that they were there. I was not happy they were taking my sister. I was miserable when they were there. My aunt got mad when I was willing to sell a typewriter I had gotten for the last Christmas for money for the next Christmas.


Were wasn’t much more after that. We were getting ready to move to the US.


My dad carved a pumpkin with me for the first time. I was having chronic yeast infections. I could no longer wear jeans. My mom was already feeling alone. My dad rarely took her out. She felt sad and lonely. The effects on my mother wasn’t the same. She felt isolated and lonely there, even when she worked. For me it seemed to be the opposite. Like her, though I loved the castles. We went to a lot of awesome places. And a family joke came about from these trips. My folks were going somewhere and I asked where since I didn’t want to go. My dad said to see some ducks. It turned out it was an animal place with a lot of different types of birds. Now, every year I get my dad something with a Duck on it for Christmas!


When we returned things weren’t too great. I started college, but it wasn’t for me. I trained to work for an insurance company, but I didn’t do that too long. I joined the Navy. I didn’t get the job I wanted. (Things you don’t know you can do or say until afterwards. It sucks.) I passed everything. After a bit of time everyone went down to El Paso, MEPS where I would join, officially. My aunt Joey and U Robert, Jerry, Shelley, Chris, Joe, My sister, mom and dad. And I had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that I didn’t want to do this. I wanted out. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t. It is a bad habit of mine. I don’t listen to my own instincts for fear of disappointing others.


I was sworn in and I WAS proud. Boot camp was no joy. It was emotional as it is supposed to be. I made some friends and I learned quickly to beat the game. I got up before everyone else to help those that were behind. I never fell out of my runs so I wouldn’t get cycled. My CC was strict and reminded me of my mom. I wanted to please her. I worked hard. I got sick every morning before my run. Nerves. The run killed me. But I never fell out.


The only time I got cycled were two times and it was the whole unit that got cycled. During one I got an injured knee. I was put on some nice big pills, but I didn’t want thrown out. I went to church. I cried a lot. I wrote a lot of letters. My A Joey wrote me every day. I loved to march. I still can march good! Getting out was probably a mistake.



When I found out I would not get to go home like everyone else after boot camp I was not happy. The job I chose meant that I had to go to apprenticeship training afterwards. I was going to be an Ordinance man. Can you see it?



We got to make regular calls home. One time I blanked my mom’s phone number. I called my Aunt Shirley. I was upset since my time was dwindling. I used to do this in school. I would get to my locker and just space the combination. I have no idea why. It was freaky in school.



My aunt was able to come out for my Graduation. I was happy and excited. I got to spend the first and last day with her. I was glad she got to come. I wish my mom could have seen me. A Joey video taped everything, however. We had a good time together.



After this I moved from the boot camp barracks to where I would attend Apprenticeship Training. I wasn’t too bad in this. Due to mosquito problems exercise was banned on the base, which meant I would get through the physical part without the physical part. That was always the problem area.



I leaned when I had hands on training I did better than from a book. I passed school fine. I made friends and this was a bit freer. My bunkmate was from my boot camp company and she and I would stay in a hotel on weekends we had no duty on. We ate nasty Dominos pizza and watched tv.



There was a girl that looked similar to me from my company. She and her boyfriend split and I got a bit of his attention. It was nice, but I felt bad for her. I just expected it was due to our looking a lot alike.



There were two distinct things I remember besides cleaning the room of the watch officer down stairs. While I was on watch at the podium downstairs. Someone came in and showed me their ID badge. Then he asked me for his name, then his date of birth. They were things we were to check for. I was so surprised I told him without a doubt. It was wild. He was pleased and so was I! I did good!



The second was when I was standing watch in our room. I was freaked out when I walked a check in the TV room. I flipped on the lights. There was a guy in there with a girl. I gave them a warning if they got caught…. Then I knew this. If I let them in there and they got caught, that meant I wasn’t doing my job. If I told, that could mean a not so great thing for me living there. Well, I had warned them. Then I went down and told the duty officer. I had to cover my job. I did my job. The girl wasn’t too pleased the next day. There was a little grumbling, but nothing major. All got on with life.



After graduating from there I got 30 days leave to spend at home. After I got home, I didn’t want to go back. I was miserable. It was like a count down. I do this even now. I can’t enjoy something if I know it will end and I will go back to something I don’t want.



When my mom took me to the airport I lay my head on her knee and I cried like a baby. I never wanted to go. My mother said she missed me too. I sometimes think this was because I was so family oriented that I just didn’t know how to exist without them being around me. Someone.



I arrived in San Diego. I did my deal, getting checked in. Then I called my mom on a payphone and I cried. I went to the church and I cried. I went to the squadron and checked in. My first shock and upset was that I was not at a fixed-wing squadron. It was a helicopter squadron. I was not a happy camper.



I would return on Monday. I hardly ate for 3 days. Then I tried to get out. My mom, who wasn’t in the best of health sent letters requesting I come home to care for her. But I had a boss that I liked and he convinced me otherwise. I don’t think I ever regretted listing to Lt. Boyle. I could go to college, have the job I wanted after just a short time. He was right there.



I worked in 1st Lt. I cleaned and I ran the snack area. Fun. I did this for 6 months. The major thing in my life wasn’t toilet cleaning or snack running, which I hated since I am lousy at counting money. It was a young man named Richard Joseph LaChance. The only one I still think about and wonder what became of him. He had black hair and beautiful blue eyes. He also looked good in eyeliner which I usually get ribbed for. But he was a doll. I fell hard for him.



I went out on a date with a guy named Tim. I went because I was jealous. I saw Rich get into a car with a girl. Later to know, with all stupid human things, it was his best friends’ sister and no interest to him.



Well, I went out with Tim. He came to my room, I changed (I had been on watch) and we went to the movies. He complained about the price. He was just an odd ball. We went back to his apartment. Rich was his room mate. You will never know just how much I wish Rich came home that night. It would have saved me so much.



We ate a bit. When things were moving in a way I wasn’t comfortable, I told him I liked him, but I didn’t want to BE with him in that way. He was pushing me. I was afraid. So many times I wish I had just walked out of the apartment, but I didn’t. I was in a new place. I didn’t know where I was or how to get anywhere, but I still, to this day wish I had! He pressured. I told him again. In the end it didn’t help. My first time was with someone I hardly knew; I didn’t love; I wasn’t in love with; and I wasn’t happy. The next day he dropped me off. We had to be at a Safety thing and when I saw Rich I felt guilty! Imagine. I did though.



My life turned to fear when I thought I was pregnant. Joy. I was on birth control, but I kept getting sick. It turned out I did this for several months. They eventually changed by bc. I drank cranberry juice like soda.



When I wasn’t working I would train with a friend in the AK shop. Aviation Storekeeper. They ordered parts, kept track of them, located them, called detachments overseas, handed out supplies to people like boots, coveralls, pens, etc. I always did love that.



Christmas. The squadron party. It was great. I was having a great time. And then there was Rich. And that could only make it even better…….



When you are a little girl did you ever what that special man to say something in particular to you. Then you’d know? Like a princess with her price charming? Well, for me it was apples. The smell of apples.



Rich was experienced probably more than even I want to know. I was a girl who never had a boyfriend. I was stood up for a spring formal. My cousin stood me up for prom. I had so many friends I couldn’t get a date. They didn’t think of me that way. I was “cute”. I’d heard it all.



Rich and I were out on the patio. He kissed me and I eagerly kissed back. He laughed. It wasn’t a condescending laugh. More of, well, the writer in me can’t think of the way to say it. When he held me up to him he said, “Your hair smells like apples.” My heart leaped. No one ever has said it since. I expect it wouldn’t be the same.



Rich and I were in the back sear of his best friend Scott’s car. I’d say Scott and I were friends enough as well. But he also knew about Tim and I, just as I am sure Rich did. He asked about it. Rich took his hand and turned my face to him and said, “Don’t worry about it. You’re with me now.” Ever have that place you never want to leave? I have only felt it one time since.



Well, with Rich as with all things amusing, things went wrong. My glasses were so new they were a tug. My shirt was safety pinned together. Something I recommend all girls to do when they are around a sailor!


I guess all got there eventually. Two steps down to a king size waterbed. Some lessons from him and a giddy me. He played his music and eventually told my gabby, giggly self to hush and go to sleep! After this long, of course I know for some reason sex wakes me up!  Well, you can’t win them all. From that day forward I listened to Journey and think of Rich.


After this was a bit heart breaking. “I can’t be held accountable for what I do when I’ve been drinking”. That is the way it came out to a friend, Ricki, when she inquired about it. A one night stand.


But I didn’t stop being in love with him. I didn’t give up either. I am a bit persistent that way!


Life went on, work went on. I went on. I went to parties at friends’ houses.


At one party my friend Ricki was there with her usual drama in regards to men. She was being spastic due to a guy, Paul Carlson, who she dated briefly. Well, he still liked her and wouldn’t leave her alone although she was with someone new. But with her it is a drama.


Rich was there. We were talking outside together. It was the first time we just talked. I found out he lost his virginity to his 8th grade teacher. (Ugh.) I remember he seemed sad. One was sitting on a table, the other standing. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He said, “Yes, but”…. I asked what. He said he did, but because of last time. I asked if he was drunk. He said no. I said, “Well, what if I want to go home with you?” That was okay. And yet it would be a time that due to circumstances and time it never would happen. And it was one of those things you often look back on and wonder. Think about. We were going home together. And if the irony doesn’t get much worse, /Tim was driving us along with taking Ricki back to the base. She asked him if he knew what he was doing. He said he did. We were happy, for a fleeting moment.


Then she was crying and upset. He said, “Maybe you better go with her.” And that was that. I took her home. Stayed in her room. She thanked me. I told her to JUST GO TO SLEEP RICKI. I wasn’t really thrilled.


I had Rich’s leather jacket. I still have the pictures of it on my bed. He came by and read some of my poetry about him. That was the end of that time.


Rich broach


Rich my engagement.

Carving Pumpkins Sept 30, 2005

             "School Pictures"  
 Connor - Oct 2005
  Ian's Oct 2005


This morning started well, but Connor's obsession with the pumpkins we bought last  night would let up. We got bible and reading and had started clocks.
                               
Finally, we decorated the outside of the pumpkins as I thought this would let us get back to work, but Connor took his outside after being told "no" several times and started carving the pumpkin. He got it taken away.
         

We ended up going to town to pay rent and bills. Then we went to the base. We had lunch, went to the bx and the boys got a haircut. We went bowling and had fun. We stopped at the pound to see if Poirot had been found. No. I ended up bringing 2 grown cats home. I am sure 1 will work. I am not sure about the other.

The boys and Faith carved their pumpkins. Connor helped Faith.

    

I helped carve a cat on hers and then we lit them up.

The evening was fine. The kids watched TV and played. All in bed and asleep. Bed check time for me.  SM MacLeod 9:13pm

Other Oct Photo's

This was a school drawing by Ian. (Mt. Everest.)

This is my girl, who was very happy at getting a Winnie the Pooh sleeping bag.


These are my "inventors" taking apart things.  :)

Aggravation Sept 29, 2005

I've been particularly grouchy the past few days. I would say since talking to Donna (counselor). I think some of her questions made me more upset with Jim than I may have been. I did get angry today over three things.:

1. I wanted to go to town (Jim watched the kids about 2 hours yesterday), but he wasn't "offering" when I told him. I was angry and off he went a half hour later.

2. The buying candy and sodas for the kids and saying it was better than his relationship with his dad.

3. Saying I brought (the home schooling) onto myself. I find that really crappy. Like I should let the boys fail and be miserable in public school.

I went to town with the kids and later told him at 5pm I wanted to go finish. Jim wanted me to go when they went to bed or in the morning. I wanted to go get it done! I was angry. I threw my sandals at the door. He was snotty about me putting a hole in the door. Please. I told him to get out of my room two times and then he says"Well, I'm going to leave then." I got really angry because there he went! Jerk status. He came back and the kids and I went to town and finished. He wanted to know where I was going. It just pissed me off.

I am not happy about how he makes me feel - again. He did make a snide comment about "I'm not sleeping in your bed". I told him that didn't dissolve his responsibility. SM MacLeod 8:49pnm

Failure vs Reality August 29, 2005

Some times I think if I raised the boys right they would act better; be more respectful; act right.

The logic in me can say the reasons they cannot be all these things, but I feel like a failure. I worry about the boys growing up and I am afraid, frankly, that bad things will happen. I don't want them to. I want them to have a nice life. I want them to be happy.

I guess I never realized I felt like a failure as a mother. I know I don't always feel this way, but when I am worn out.... Can I keep up what I do? I feel there is something wrong with me. Is there?

I've been emotional today. The whole week, but today seemed the worse. I don't know if it is PMS or what. I am like a roller coaster, even now.

August 3, 2005

After counseling I got home. Connor took his bath;Ian and Faith. I later found hand prints with Connor's face paint on the hall wall outside the bathroom and on the bath wall. I asked Connor and he denied it. I asked Ian and he denied it. The floor was wet; Ian cleaned it up and Connor cleaned the handprint's, but denied he did it and was being mean to Ian. I smacked his butt.

I went to Connor's room to pick up toys and discovered a hidden bowl with something old in it; my drill bit and a monitor being taken apart. He said foul things about his brother; blamed his brother. I told him to get the sanitizer, he did and started fighting. How easy it can be to hit someone when you are angry. What if you lost control? What stops you?

I just think how can I love this boy so much and slap him? Yell at him? I sent him out of the room. I told him to leave my house. Connor said he didn't want to. How can I raise a decent child when I do this in response to his behavior? What do I do?

I took his bed out. He can't hide anything now. I will have to find something else he can sleep on without destroying it in 10 minutes.

The kids got to bed about 8:15. I called and talked to Jim a bit. I have got to find another way to keep calm and handle this house! Augh. Please, help me Lord! SM MacLeod 954pnm

Faith's 2nd Birthday - July 2005

Ian made this cake for Faith.

She wanted balloons!

And the Incredibles!

A big brother who is ready to help peek & a kitty to smile about!

My Papa, Pest, Gma & Aunt Tess too....

A Pooh phone & a hat.....

Cool shades....

Cake time!

Oops! Pest freaked out Poirot!

Check out my toys & clothes!

Dr. Phil - 18 July 2005

1. Physical Description of biological father:



Tall, balding, plate blue eyes, tattoos on forearms; one of an eagle. White, but tanned. Big hands. Wore western shirts with snaps and cowboy boots.


To a little girl he was very big. I help onto his finger when we went places. I loved being with him. He drove a truck and was gone a lot. When he was home he lay on the couch and slept or on the floor and slept.


2. He left me. He hurt my mother.


3. His love. His being my father even when he left my mother for a trucker whore.


4. His inability to stay put!


5. He left me. HE didn't spend much time with me.


6. How he called me baby.


7. Nothing


8. Moving constantly. Inability to be happy where I am. Stubbornness.


9. I did this in my early 20's and I did mail it. I told him what it was like to have my mother tell me and my sister that Santa was poor and that year and as a child to tell her it was okay.


That he didn't pay child support and my mother had to give us to our Aunt (Joey) to raise and then work her butt off to support us. I missed out on my own mother as a child because of him (Keith).


And the whole time I blamed my mom. She never said one bad thing about him. But he never came all the time I looked, waited, and had nightmares. I was just another daughter he dumped.



Tony: Description of Step dad age 17


He is thin, brown, has really strong hands that he always hurts. He does a lot of physical work. He worked at British Aerospace.


He wore sandals over socks. He had thinning hair and a beard.


2. I hated when my mom and I weren't getting along and I confided in him and he told my mom he felt I was trying to divide them. I felt betrayed.


3. Open support in my decisions.


6. He was a really hard worker.


7. Himself, stepping into our family with a bratty teenager!


8. To be able to create from what I have. Believe what I believe.


9. We didn't always get along. I didn't like my mom's loneliness and sadness. I know you truly love her and loved us. It was no little task walking into out lives. I am grateful something from then has become a great friend and my dad!


My Mother:

My mom is tall, pretty, and has green eyes with specks in them. She has elegant beautiful thin hands with long fingers. She has sharp features; pointy nose, sharp chin and high Cherokee cheek bones.


2. I hate that she doesn't have the ability to be more interested in my interests.


3. The "feeling" she was proud of me.


4. Perhaps too much "I can do it myself".


5. Her drinking and going out.


7. My independence and ability to keep a toe grounded! Being strong.


8. Harshness, don't ask for help choice husband I can't rely on.


9. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for showing me how to be strong. I wish we would have had more time when I was a child. I wish I knew you were proud of me as a child. I wish I had things you felt in commonr or at least took an interest in my likes. I am proud I had you as my mother. I am sorry Keith made it hard for you. I wish I could give you an easy life and was less of a worry for you. I love you and thank you.



Joey - My aunt who helped raise me.


Long hair. I would play and put barrettes in her hair until she cut it off. Big busted, heavy, large frame. Rought feet, veiny hands. I played with her veins in church. A silver cross with diamonds she always wore from Uncle Robert. Sleevless tops, slacks, and slip on shoes of all colors.


2. Child - unsure, favoritism towards Tonya (my younger sister) the older I got.


3. Her approval.


4. Her overbearing need to control personality.


5. When she put me down; made me feel bad about myself.


6. Her devotion to God; that she took me in.


7. Her strength, ability to help and teach others.


8. Controlling.


9. I wish I knew as a child that I was good enough. That I knew not being in control could be okay. I wish you hadn't thrown out my writings. I didn't like how you cared for Tonya in away that made me feel inferior. I loved you and you gave me many positive things. I am grateful you took me in a taught me Catholicism. I am proud to be a Catholic.


I loved the old chess set and playing. I loved listening to you play the accordion and singing. I am glad you took me every where with you; educated me; wrote me every day when I was in boot camp and my graduation. I am glad my children all met you.



Emotions that trap me:


Hurt, disappointment, abandonment, betrayal, put downs, lack of acceptance, feeling excluded (odd one out), controlling me, not being or feeling that I was ever good enough!


Fears: Failure, not being good enough, not living a good life, not living up to standards, not living a notable enough life, not being a good enough mom, being looked down on my Jim, my Aunt, and my family. Afraid of making a mistake regarding Jim. Afraid of making a mistake regarding the kids. I have made mistakes and am afraid it will do damage long term.


Event: Jim's mother

Choices: Didn't stand up for myself @ marriage, bridal shower, later, visit in 97, divorce time, etc.


Me


I hate how I lack patience. I seemed to have had more before.


I hate that I am overweight.


I hate how I give in to Jim.


I hate that I settle for what "others" think I should have.


I hate that I feel I am a failure.


I hate that I don't feel I am successful.


I hate that I don't feel good enough.


I want to feel okay with myself. At peace, calm.


I want to Jim to understand I am not something to be used.

Probably remain broken up from him.

Hurt, but more at peace.


For my children to be okay. Keep teaching them. Show a better example, ie., behavior. Content that they'll be okay and live a productive life. July 24, 2005 10:12 pnm


I want to "feel" that I am doing things right for my life and my kids. I want to feel calm, but I seem agitated; stressed constantly. I feel like I am running out of time. I have no idea how to get this on my own.

You're Not Alone - May 11, 2005

May 11, 2005


Does it seem like your partner is self-centered, even selfish? Does it seem like no one comes before them any more? Are there days when you swear you are living with Jekyl & Hyde? They would buy you the world, but nothing is good enough. Did they ever own a vehicle more than a year? How about jobs? How long did they hold one? How many trades have they had? In one breath they say they love you in the next they are calling you something you aren’t even sure you should spell! Children become fodder of anger, disappointment and fears from their lives. You become the spouse, the nanny, the maid, and the nurse for the days they stay in bed uncaring and unable to crawl from the bed. Was there a time you were sure you knew what you wanted, where you wanted to be, and that you were once a person you can no longer remember. Perhaps it was all a dream……