In the beginning....

Jim and I met in December of 1995. But let me tell you a bit about me. My name is Sonya. I had changed my name and was set to make my way in the world. Sonya Marie MacLeod. I was 24 and working at Showbizz Video. I had worked there since 1993. I loved my boss, I loved working with videos and watching them! I was also attending college at New Mexico State University in Alamogordo, NM. I was majoring in English and my minor was history. I was attending full time and working full time.

On December 18 we had a special treat. An actor, who the owners knew, came in to sign autographs, take photo’s etc. Jeff Griggs! I was dressed up and really excited! It was good for the store, plus fun to meet an actor! It was a good day. My boss let me stand in line and I got my photo taken with Jeff Griggs. I still have this photo. It marks a very important time in my life that was about to take place.

At work I had a very good friend, Annick. She and I had been friends since she started working there. She was married to Michael, who was in the Air Force. Michael had met a new Air Force guy at a squadron party and wanted me to meet him. Annick called me on the phone to “encourage” me to meet him. “I do not like to be set up. You know that.” “Oh, just meet him. He’s a really nice guy.” In the background came Michael’s voice, “Take a chance.” And other teasing type things. Finally, I gave in. “Ok fine. You can give him MY number.” And there it began……

I was up at my parents’ place the next day, December 20th. I went up there often. On this day I was checking my machine for the possible call. After a while, it was there. A message stating that James had called and his phone number. Agh. That meant now I had to call HIM! And so I did. I called and asked for him, not realizing he was referred to as Jim and his room mate was James. Finally, we got to talk. I was out on my folks’ cold porch. Just in this short time I learned many things.

First, he was divorced and had a son. He was a recovering alcoholic. And he had a few more crass questions and information. We agreed to meet at my place in an hour. That didn’t even give me much time. My mom had just fixed dinner and I just moved into my home which was a horrible mess! I inhaled and took my pork chop with me on my way home thirty minutes away. I hurriedly tossed things into hiding where I could and figured he’d just have to understand I just moved in, was attending college and working. Not too much time for anything else!

I was watching for him. He pulled up in a med blue Ford Temp. He was tall. Blonde. He wore cowboy boots, jeans, a t-shirt….He wasn’t ugly! Whew! I answered the door.

I explained about the place. He didn’t seem to mind just then. He brought a video, “First Knight”. He said he would, he had just rented it.

Jim sat in one chair and I sat in another across from him. I leaned a great deal about him which I would later learn was really just surface stuff. I learned about his ex’s. He told me about a girlfriend he had broken up with that claimed she was pregnant with his child. Oooh. Mess. He explained why he didn’t feel it was his, as according to her due date, the conception would have to occur when he was TDY elsewhere. Jim said he didn’t think it was fair not to tell me this up front. I told him I appreciated that. He especially pointed out how he’d like a relationship based on friendship, not on a physical basis. I agreed with that point!

I got up to get some tea going, my tea maker was NOT working well. It made maybe a cup or two at a time. In the doorway he’d come up with my first big flaw, closeness. He tried to hug me in the doorway and I flinched back. That would be a problem we had for many years. We talked about it a bit. I simply explained that I was not an overly affectionate person. Evidently, he was. We talked more and eventually settled on the floor in front of my chair to watch the movie.

I still remember what it felt like. I still remember what I wore. I still remember feeling him get closer and I felt he was wanting me to move first. I leaned over and we kissed. We didn’t finish the movie.

At some early hour we ate out at Denny’s. Well, he ate. I remember feeling I couldn’t eat. We talked and eventually went back to my place. I remember watching him sleep as I still do some times. I spoke in a whisper, “I love you.” I knew then that I would marry this man. I was not happy with myself that I had disregarded my upbringing as a Catholic and had pre-marital sex. It was something that bothered me greatly, but one thing God did do, was let me know this was the man that would be my husband.

I had work and so did Jim. Funny enough the two people you don’t expect to stop by early the next morning did. My mother and my sister stopped by for something. I can’t recall what. Needless to say, they both told me later they knew that first time that I would marry Jim. Time to go to work.

I walked into work and remember the first comment I got from an older friend I worked with. She looked at me and smiled saying, “Somebody got some.” I am sure I turned all shades of red possible and couldn’t deny the truth. I smiled. After all, what can you say?

I remember seeing him the next day after work. I loved seeing him in his uniform. (I always felt, having been military, that I would marry someone, plus I lived in an Air Force town with military friends.) I was so proud.

I knew I had to be honest, however, about something I feared. We had unprotected sex. The only time you should do that is when you are married and trying to get pregnant. If I turned out, by any chance, to be pregnant, I wanted him to know two things. One, I had condoms in my bathroom that I got free in the mail! Secondly, if I was pregnant I would not hold him accountable and expect him to marry me, etc. I had always wanted children and at this point looked seriously into adoption and artificial insemination as I wanted children of my own and wasn’t afraid to do that on my own.

He read my note and held nothing against me.

So, it went forward from there. One thing that came to light early on was Jim’s financial problems. He had tried to buy me some things, but his check wasn’t accepted. I told him he didn’t have to buy me things. Later I found he had several outstanding bad checks in town, one in town about to be turned over to the DA. I paid these. Understandably, Michael was concerned that I just met this person and was paying his debts. I understood and said that if they were large I’d see the concern. If they kept happening I would not do it again.

Jim was paying child support and living on his own, but was not making enough money to do so. However, he never missed a payment for his son.

Jim went with Michael for a “Boys day out”. He wanted to find something for me for Christmas. They went to Las Cruces. I thought it was cute!

I worked until 7pm on Christmas Eve of that year. Jim was at my place and we were to go up to my parents’ home. He was upset over something and I recall this was to be the first of many such arguments in regards to how he felt about not being able to buy me something, the best, bigger, or have money. I told him he had to drop it or we weren’t going. He dropped it and we went.

My mother had fixed lovely meat platters, desserts, which she cooked herself. Jim had met my dad and my sister was there as well. It was a lovely time that I can still remember. Not just pictures, but the actual film in my head. We took pictures that still hang on my wall.  Jim had some gifts as well from my family. I think that made him feel at home. I hope it did.

We had “our” gifts at my place on Christmas Day as that was the tradition he was used to. I had gotten him a plaid polo shirt from Bealle’s I remember. I also got him cologne. He had given me a pretty unicorn/Pegasus. It was white with purply pink wings and it glitters. It too sits on my shelf. He also bought me a necklace; a dolphin that held a crystal. I loved dolphins.

Christmas day we spent with Annick and Michael at their home on base. They cooked dinner, we watched a movie. Jim had given me the gift he got with Michael. It was a black leather vest. (Jim likes his Harley’s!)

One thing that stood out then I mistook for nervousness. Now I know it was more. Jim drank soda like a siev, but what he did was barely sit down. It was like he couldn’t sit still! He was up, walking, down, up, walking. He did this for many years and still has his moments! He would do this at my parents’ house and it drove my mother nuts!

Jim’s son, Joseph would come for a visit shortly after that. Jim went to get him from Colorado. I got him a card telling him I’d miss him and to be careful. Jim stopped by the video store and I gave it to him. At this point I had never told Jim I loved him. I learned a long time ago that scares men away faster than anything! I gave him the card and he read it as I helped customers. Before he left he looked at me and silently said, “I love you”. I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me when I did a double take. BUT It was important that he said it first.

Joseph stayed with Jim a week. I got to know him and did a few things with them, but stressed this was Jim’s time with him. Since Jim’s divorce he had been in Italy and hadn’t gotten to see his son much. I knew what that was like. I picked out some videos and we watched them at Jim’s apartment with Joey.

I remember one day stopping by very early. I brought Jim a white Rose. I remember Joey asking me why I brought his dad a flower. I remember not exactly like answering questions from a child.

New Year’s Eve my Uncle Jerry and his family were having a party. They had children and I invited Jim and his son to meet me there, which he did. My family was all there. It was fun. For once I had someone at one of these parties with me! My sister and her friend Matt were there also. Joey got along well and played with my cousin Chris.

As the countdown began on the tv, Jim and I were standing together along a wall in between the kitchen and the front room, listening. Suddenly, Jim said, “Will you marry me?” I knew, but I still think I was taken by surprise. My response? “Hmm, let me think about it….Yes.” I couldn’t be typical! NEW YEARS DAY! New years Kiss, New years engagement!

I didn’t announce it. My mother wasn’t feeling well, so I took her and my sister up the mountain. It turned out to be snowing. I also was taking Matt home. Later I found Jim didn’t like that and I thought it was funny. Jim rarely shows any jealousy. I didn’t tell my mother since she was unwell, but I did whisper it to my sister. She was very happy for me!

I called people from Jim’s apartment later. My folks, Aunts and uncles, cousins; My closest ones. I knew my A Joey and Mom would get word to everyone else. My family is like a huge grapevine! I was looking through magazines on the couch next to Jim. We were trying to pick a date. Funny how that can be a hard thing to do! We picked March 17, St. Patrick’s Day. After all, who can’t use a bit of extra help!

We picked out our rings at JC Penny’s. They were gold with swirls, and a diamond. Just right for me with busy hands! I was extremely happy. I remember carrying Joseph through the mall. How heavy kids are! It was good. It was right. It was what God had been trying to tell me to hold on for.

My family accepted Jim and all went well, then. We saw each other most of the time we could. He worked, I worked, but was out of college for the holidays. But it was about time for Joseph to return to his mother in Colorado. Jim asked me to go with him and I did. I was rather nervous about the whole thing. We got there and I stayed in the car, not wanting to make anything difficult. I remember seeing her for the first time, his ex-wife Sharlene. Then it was over as fast and I was grateful. But the weather wasn’t being overly kind. We ended up needing to stop in Santa Fe, NM. We stayed the night in La Quinta Inn. A name I never forget.

Jim would call and tell his family about our engagement shortly after that. It was to be the beginning of a bad wave in our marriage along with many secrets that would come out over the years.

I do not recall anything significant from Jim’s dad. I think he simply wished he could be happy and stated so.

On the other hand when Jim called his mother, his sister, Renae was there. I remember he telling his mom and I was sitting right there. Jim said, “I don’t know, I’ll ask. Renae wants to know if you are pregnant.” I was not happy then. Who asks such a thing? And what does it mean? “Not that I know of.” Was my honest reply. I tried to laugh, but it wasn’t funny. They felt that Jim was marrying me like his ex-wife, because he got her pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. First of all, I don’t believe in that. I believe in taking responsibility for you child, but not marriage. That does not make it right for the parents or child. I would never have tricked or forced anyone into that.

Things went on after that as they do. I noticed that I had eaten too much of my mother’s goodies! My pants weren’t snapping! Well, before Jim I worked out and would have to get back to that!

I was at the house and my friend Kari was there. She was waiting on my sister. They were off somewhere. Jim was there, he just got off work. I was hungry. This was my favorite time of the year because of the Summer Sausage! Not to mention the cookie dough! I love chocolate chip cookies! Well, I was drinking orange juice and wanting some Summer Sausage. Jim wand Kari were both in the kitchen and he said, “Boy, are you sure you aren’t pregnant?”

I am not sure if he meant anything by it or just commented. But it never seemed to dawn on me before then that I could be pregnant. I was taking birth control pills, but had started them shortly before meeting Jim.

I had another good friend at this time, Cristen. She was pregnant with her first child. As I stated before I wanted to have children. I threw myself into her pregnancy. I bought her things for the baby, kept tabs on her at work, and we visited often even after she had her son in September (1995).

I ran to Wal-Mart and got me a pregnancy test, a double! I took it and it came out positive. My first instinct was to call Cristen.

“I think I might be pregnant.”

“Really?!”

“I took a test and it has two lines! What do I do know?”

“Well, call Dr. Wenrich. They give free pregnancy tests. Find out when they are.”

“Will you go with me?”

“Of course I will.”

So, I called. I missed the morning one and the next one was at one p.m. I would meet her at her house.

Jim was coming home for lunch and had called about having McDonald’s. I went to town and stopped by Walgreens. I needed a card and ran into my boss, who was a great friend too. She was talking to me about Cristen and how I’d probably be the next one to have a baby from the store. I nervously laughed and said, well, I am going to get a test done here soon.

I got lunch and Jim and I ate. I didn’t tell him. I wanted to be sure first. I didn’t want to alarm him with his ex-girlfriends claims, etc. She was causing trouble at his work about it too. It was very hard not to say anything.

I went to Cristen’s and she got Joseph and we all went to Dr. Wenrich’s. I tinkled in a cup and waited in the lobby with her nervously. The nurse came out and told me I was pregnant. I was so happy! Cristen was happy and the nurses all smiled. I will never forget something the nurse said that makes me sad to this day. “It is nice to see you happy. We get so many girls in here who aren’t.” I just thought that was so sad. Right there is a reason to practice safe sex! Babies growing with life with mom’s that aren’t happy. Sad.

Well, here came the real fun. Telling Jim. I was more nervous now than I was before. Cristen again stood up to the challenge and drove me out to the base. She pulled into the McDonald’s and we had a sundae first! Then it was to Jim’s work where I asked to speak with him. We went into an empty office and I told him I was pregnant. I wish I could say he said something sweet and meaningful, but he actually just stood there in shock! I got more nervous then! (Jim later told me his superior had just told him, due to the ex-girlfriend, to behave, putting it nicely!) I stood there and asked him to say SOMETHING! He said he was happy and he was, but boy that was a scarey moment or two!

I drove up and had my folks sit down and told them they were going to be grandparents! I remember my mother asking me, “Have you told your Aunt Joey yet?”

See, Aunt Joey and my Uncle Robert helped raise me. She raised me what I would call fairly strict Roman Catholic. My response wasn’t great. “No, and I’m not going to.” I believe my mother pointed out at some point she would eventually be able to tell! True, but I could wait! After all, there are some people in your life you do not like to disappoint. Well, I insisted my mother would come with me and she did.

We told my A Joey and I will say she didn’t respond like I feared she would. I expect that is the problem with most teens that are afraid to tell their folks. They imagine how bad it will be and I don’t think it really will be. But I do understand it!

My aunt was happy. And although there is a pattern of folks who believe I got married because I was pregnant, don’t know me at all. I would never do that. And really it doesn’t matter what they think because Jim and I know and my child does too!

On the other hand, Jim’s family was not as receptive as mine was. Just another point of stress between us.

I recall his call to his mother. He put it like this, she yelled and him and asked why he couldn’t keep “it” in his pants. Lovely. It never improved, only worsened with them.

But I was happy. I was still going to school and working. The wedding was coming up for March 17 and we had moved into a nicer place, but little. We bought the nice things on my JC Penny’s card. Jim was starting his long track of borrowing from credit companies to pay for that “I want it right now” mind set. It usually ended up in fights. My mother warned me mostly due to my father. He too was one that went about spending the paycheck, drinking, etc. until she had the boss send her the check!