Not good at this! 29 Sept 2010

At best I am sporadic with journals. I always want to keep them like my aunt did, but I guess it is just my flighty nature that refuses to agree. I think @ what I would write & then don't.


BUT....


Today, I feel like my chest is going to burst open. I feel a pain that cannot be understood by most people.


Last week my son, who is 14, attacked me in one of his bipolar rages. Never has he attacked me like this since he was quite young. I have been fighting to ages to understand what to do. How do I help him? How do I help me help him? How do I help my other two children? How do you protect them from the fear, the emotional abuse that goes on when you raise special needs children?


Ian, himself battles depression which is displayed through self harm of cutting. Luckily, he has not done this since last school year when he took a pencil at school, trying to cut himself.


My daughter is 7. God Blessed Faith with being more like me. She is stronger, more reseliant. That does not mean she should go through this either.


There are times I know I am not as good as a mother as I used to be. There are days I do fine. There are days I just want to cry, but don't for fear of not stopping.


Connor was taken to the hospital in El Paso the same day of the attack. I drove him down as I always do, waiting, filling out papers, talking with him like nothing occured.


When the admissions lady asked if he felt like hurting himself or someone else his face turned sad with pain & he replied, pointing at me, "I already hurt my mom."


I want to tear my heart out. I would rather he felt nothing that the pain I see on his face, which causes me pain. It is like watching your child die of a painful disease & you can't do a DAMN thing about it!


So much of my fight to learn, to help, to improve things for children like mine went out of me when both of my sons were sent to an RTC (Residential Treatment Center) within months of each other. Only my daughter & her care & my sister helped me move out of a bed I didn't want to move out of. I didn't care what I looked like, what my house looked like. I didn't care about anything else. I cared for Faith & longed to hear my sons' voices on a phone. It was like someone had ripped out 3/4 of my heart. It had gone with them, leaving me feeling empty & hollow.


Here it is again. The pain, the dilema. Now, my oldest son, Connor, who is 14, & whom I wanted since before I was old enough to stop playing with dolls, cannot come home. I can no longer allow him to live in my home. I cannot allow him to be a threat to his brother & sister & I know he doesn't want to hurt them. He asks to be put in facilities all of the time. Unfortunatly, even when parent's, doctors, & the patient know that is best & beg for the help, that isn't the way the insurance works. And the sad thing is that this will continue until enough menatlly ill people kill enough innocent people for someone to change things.


Off the top of my head John Hyde in Albuquerque, NM comes to my mind. He requested help from more than one mental facility & was TURNED AWAY, the same day he went out & shot innocent people, killing 2 or 3.


Andrea Yates. No matter what you think, she was mentally ill for years. Her husband was more than aware. All of their family was aware. Who helped her so she didn't harm her children BEFORE it was too late.


I don't a "too late" for my son. He has a good heart, but spends most of his time crying & yelling at me to tell him why I bore him. He wishes he was never born. He wants to be in heaven with his grandmother, his aunts & uncles. Do you know the pain that causes a mother to look into her sons' eyes & see that pain? To hold him & rock him as he sobs incessantly? To know it would hurt worse for someone to break through your chest & rip out your own heart?


And how do you explain to a child who is suffering in pain that you have always wanted children since you were a child yourself. That you were so ecstatic to be pregnant with him there was nothing else to compair the excitement & joy to.


Then when he was placed in the hospital just 4 wks ago & we had a horrible family session with the counselor there, I got off of the phone & cried. I said for the first time, ever, that I would have rather gone without children (the ones I always wanted) than to see my children suffer in pain. My son Ian told me not to say that. I explained how it hurt a mother to see her children in so much pain.


Today I have been in contact with a place on treatment foster parenting. I have been in contact with the insurance so a care coordinator can help me find a placement for my son. I have read about another families horrible choice giving their daughter to a foster family who will adopt her. It is called a 3rd party guardianship. Sounds great, doesn't it? They had their daughter nearly 8 years before the violence & suffering was too dangerous. I have had mine for 14 years. 14! How do you do that? Will they hate you? Be grateful? I think if Connor had a quiet home with no siblings full time, within a specialized home, he would be happy. And happy is all I care about. I will deal with my pain. I just don't want him to suffer any more. I don't want Ian & Faith to suffer. We all love each other. And for now, this is the way it has to be. This is my test from God & I will not fail HIM. (Thank goodness he has a direct line for my sobbing prayers though!)


SMacLeod

Connor - UBH call - 26 Sept 2010

At snack (at UBH), Connor thought it was his & jumped on a peer, scratching him in the neck.

I was shaking during the day & took my Fibro pill early.

Ian's having nightmares.

Where is my Edward?

23 Sept 2010

I am aching for my own "Edward". I don't know if GOD has one planned for me, but oh I really, really want one! A man who is loving & kind & can't wait to see me & be with me. One who cares about me before himself & an undying love where, if we had eternity, not matter what, we'd always be with each other. Too much to ask for? I pray, request, & hope not!

Bad day with Connor - 18 Sept 2010

Bad day with Connor. Yelling, cussing, mean, & throwing at bed time.

Connor - new med 2mg at bedtime.