Christmas time is upon us once again.
And although we may be apart
You are always within me; in my heart.
So be of good cheer, whether far or near,
For HE gave his Son to us
And we celebrate His birth each year.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Poem - My son, My dear
My heart aches for you when you are sad; I am sad.
I wish you knew.
You talk of death to end your pain, but my pain would hurt even more.
My heart would be forever sore.
I know you don't understand why you are this way.
God made you this way, is all that I can say.
There is a purpose for you & I wish you knew.
The special way you see the world.
How you remember things most people never know.
And no matter each day I love you all the more.
You are my son, I gave you life.
You grew within me & you are God's miracle to see.
I live life each day, thinking of you.
I don't care if you are far or near.
I will forever love you, my son, my dear.
SMacLeod
11:07 pnm
7 Nov 2009
I wish you knew.
You talk of death to end your pain, but my pain would hurt even more.
My heart would be forever sore.
I know you don't understand why you are this way.
God made you this way, is all that I can say.
There is a purpose for you & I wish you knew.
The special way you see the world.
How you remember things most people never know.
And no matter each day I love you all the more.
You are my son, I gave you life.
You grew within me & you are God's miracle to see.
I live life each day, thinking of you.
I don't care if you are far or near.
I will forever love you, my son, my dear.
SMacLeod
11:07 pnm
7 Nov 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Poem - Sleep Does not Come
Sleep does not come.
I lay here tired & worn.
I am not sad or forlorne.
I am content just to be.
I know soon, sleep will come to me.
SMacLeod
20 Oct 2009
10:23 pnmKS
I lay here tired & worn.
I am not sad or forlorne.
I am content just to be.
I know soon, sleep will come to me.
SMacLeod
20 Oct 2009
10:23 pnmKS
Poem - Give HIM Thanks
There are days when we gorget to give praise
To the One who helps us through.
Some days we forget to let go,
For he does know what we need.
There are times we don't give thanks to the One who grants the miracles that we see.
So, today, let us give thanks to He who gives us all we see.
SMacLeod
20 Ovt 2009
10:21 pnmKS
To the One who helps us through.
Some days we forget to let go,
For he does know what we need.
There are times we don't give thanks to the One who grants the miracles that we see.
So, today, let us give thanks to He who gives us all we see.
SMacLeod
20 Ovt 2009
10:21 pnmKS
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Poem - Thoughts of you
The thoughts I keep having of the past;
Will they stay, will they last?
Are they of days gone by?
Or just a lie?
Is it jealously or regret?
Is is temporary or is it set?
Perhaps the're thoughts of what I wish were true;
Thoughts of how I think of you.
SMacLeod
20 June 2009
9:14 pnm
Will they stay, will they last?
Are they of days gone by?
Or just a lie?
Is it jealously or regret?
Is is temporary or is it set?
Perhaps the're thoughts of what I wish were true;
Thoughts of how I think of you.
SMacLeod
20 June 2009
9:14 pnm
Poem - God gave me a Gift
There is a child God gave me as a gift.
He blessed me & gave my sould a lift.
This child was created by His hands.
No other like him in all the lands.
A child wired in a special way
to remind me every day
That He has a special purpose that I may not know,
But he will discover it as he begins to grow.
I hope he knows that God walks with him through all of the trials
And loves him, even through his denials.
You are a Special young man
And I love you will all of my heart.
You are growing into a good man & are always a part of me
And although there may be days that you don't see
Never forget God has a plan for you & me.
SMacLeod
20 June 2009
9:25 pnm
He blessed me & gave my sould a lift.
This child was created by His hands.
No other like him in all the lands.
A child wired in a special way
to remind me every day
That He has a special purpose that I may not know,
But he will discover it as he begins to grow.
I hope he knows that God walks with him through all of the trials
And loves him, even through his denials.
You are a Special young man
And I love you will all of my heart.
You are growing into a good man & are always a part of me
And although there may be days that you don't see
Never forget God has a plan for you & me.
SMacLeod
20 June 2009
9:25 pnm
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
C & I Meds & Behavior - 29 April 2009
Connor
Increased agitation the past 2 wks.
Stop Concerta & see. May be fueling agitation.
Overreacting
Perceived insults
May start Lithium. Risks gone over. Older med. Kidney, thyroid, heart conductivity. Will call if they start it.
*******************
Ian
Tantruming pattern
Almost with pride, scratching face when staff talked to him.
Frustrated, irritated
No meds change.
Next week may increase Adderal if continues.
*******************
Good News, both getting along well together. Both miss home a lot. They have a way to go with how they cope. Go see them etc May 8-11
Increased agitation the past 2 wks.
Stop Concerta & see. May be fueling agitation.
Overreacting
Perceived insults
May start Lithium. Risks gone over. Older med. Kidney, thyroid, heart conductivity. Will call if they start it.
*******************
Ian
Tantruming pattern
Almost with pride, scratching face when staff talked to him.
Frustrated, irritated
No meds change.
Next week may increase Adderal if continues.
*******************
Good News, both getting along well together. Both miss home a lot. They have a way to go with how they cope. Go see them etc May 8-11
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Poem - The Heart Chooses....
The heart chooses who you love.
Maybe it's a nightmare of from heaven above.
Your head may tell you, "No, no",
but your heart says, "Just let go."
You may have gone through hell,
but humans tend to dwell.
Remember instead, how you felt, when they held you close.
When they were next to you in bed.
The heart chooses who you love.
You can't argue because it doesn't use your brain.
Trying to understand can drvie you insane!
Remember when they walked into the room & it was all new?
Recall how you'd smile & couldn't stop?
Know that you can't be together & that is okay, but all I am trying to say is that your heart chooses who you love & only God knows why he made it like that.
Remember the connection you felt when they took your hand?
How your heart thumped like it was a drum in a band?
The things you liked & the differences you'd accept.
How you felt warm when they'd hold you tight & though you might try to fight
your heart decides who you love.
And you can dwell in the sad & the bad or you can remember with a smile how you just knew it was going to be them & you.
How you pulled through the good & the tough.
And how you each changed for the steps you had to take next in life.
And maybe you don't understand & have to leave it to above...
Because your heart chooses who you love.
SMacLeod
11:22 pnm
25 April 2009
Maybe it's a nightmare of from heaven above.
Your head may tell you, "No, no",
but your heart says, "Just let go."
You may have gone through hell,
but humans tend to dwell.
Remember instead, how you felt, when they held you close.
When they were next to you in bed.
The heart chooses who you love.
You can't argue because it doesn't use your brain.
Trying to understand can drvie you insane!
Remember when they walked into the room & it was all new?
Recall how you'd smile & couldn't stop?
Know that you can't be together & that is okay, but all I am trying to say is that your heart chooses who you love & only God knows why he made it like that.
Remember the connection you felt when they took your hand?
How your heart thumped like it was a drum in a band?
The things you liked & the differences you'd accept.
How you felt warm when they'd hold you tight & though you might try to fight
your heart decides who you love.
And you can dwell in the sad & the bad or you can remember with a smile how you just knew it was going to be them & you.
How you pulled through the good & the tough.
And how you each changed for the steps you had to take next in life.
And maybe you don't understand & have to leave it to above...
Because your heart chooses who you love.
SMacLeod
11:22 pnm
25 April 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
LaChance - 6 April 2009
I saw a picture of Rich (LaChance) tonight. He looks so much like he did then, ending a long run of wondering.
I can lay that to rest. No one that gorgous would come looking for this body!
What does it tell you when you are ashamed of your body? Time to do something about it!
SMacLeod 9:23 pnm
I can lay that to rest. No one that gorgous would come looking for this body!
What does it tell you when you are ashamed of your body? Time to do something about it!
SMacLeod 9:23 pnm
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'd Walk over Hot Coals.... 19 March 2009
Connor has been gone 6 months now. It seems so strange to me, how this is. Ian has been gone 2 months & 10 days. I would have walked over hot coals to keep my chilren with me. Then, I had to let them go to help them get better.
You don't foresee Cancer, Mental Illness, etc. You don't forsee divorce. Birth & death you know. You don't get married to lose or to have a sick child.
My mother says God gave me my children (illnesses & special needs) because I can handle it. She said she never could have. But for what purpose are they given? Is it for me, to have a bigger or better purpose? Or is it for them?
I have a friend who says if I truley believe in God that they will come home healed. It isn't that I don't beliece He can, but I believe in the scripture when Jesus said, "...Isn't it I who made the blind man blind?"
There is a purpose for all things. So, do I say that because I do not believe enough? I have told my sons they are like they are for a reason. I have told Connor perhaps he will be the one to find a cure for Bi-Polar so that other children will not have to suffer like he has. Perhaps a medicine to make them able to live like other people who do not have it.
Do I say these things because I believe they are true? Or do I say it to make myself feelt better? Or to make a child feel better at the time of despair?
Do you know what it is like to see a child in despair? I don't mean a girl crying her eyes out over a boy & her saying she would rather be dead, or that she will never love again. (It feels like that then.) Or a young man betrayed by a friend. I mean despair true enough that their only hope of relief is death. A death they are prepared to exact on themselves. These children are between the ages of 5 & 12.
Five & twelve! A thought process that figures out a way for them to take their own life even at the age of five? We are not talking about a drug overdose or a gun to their head. Most children with these illnesses do not have access to those items; not even to knives or tools.
One child hung himself & his feet still touched the ground. Imagine the power not to just stand up?! One of my sons leaped out of a tree to "stop the voices". Breaking a lightbulb to cut his arm was his latest. A boy, age 5, tried leaping for a moving child. He also wanted to use a blunt object to stab himself. This was my other son. How would you stab yourself with a blunt object? Think of the pain. Think fo the pain they must feel inside to want to do this!
I have, as an adult, lay on a floor & sobbed until I could cry no more. This is as close to "despair" as I have ever felt. This does not even come close to what their pain must be.
The United States is the most medicated country in the world. A bunch of stressed, pill popping people. I struggled with the thought of putting a little child on medication. My mother pointed out that if my son could be happy, it would be worth it. My son would be physically violent even at 4 years old. He still feels guilty about the pain he has inflicted on his brother, who was 15 month younger.
Drugs. Tested on adults. These are not usually tested on children. There is no way to know the long term affects at this point. Not only about the results of one drug, but many. Many of these children have other co-existing illnesses which require more than one type of medication. Not all medications work for the same illness for each child. Many have trials & trials to find the right ones(s). There are blood tests, side effects. Any change in hormones & or growth may mean a change in medications or amounts. How do you follow the affects of 1 medication then?
You don't foresee Cancer, Mental Illness, etc. You don't forsee divorce. Birth & death you know. You don't get married to lose or to have a sick child.
My mother says God gave me my children (illnesses & special needs) because I can handle it. She said she never could have. But for what purpose are they given? Is it for me, to have a bigger or better purpose? Or is it for them?
I have a friend who says if I truley believe in God that they will come home healed. It isn't that I don't beliece He can, but I believe in the scripture when Jesus said, "...Isn't it I who made the blind man blind?"
There is a purpose for all things. So, do I say that because I do not believe enough? I have told my sons they are like they are for a reason. I have told Connor perhaps he will be the one to find a cure for Bi-Polar so that other children will not have to suffer like he has. Perhaps a medicine to make them able to live like other people who do not have it.
Do I say these things because I believe they are true? Or do I say it to make myself feelt better? Or to make a child feel better at the time of despair?
Do you know what it is like to see a child in despair? I don't mean a girl crying her eyes out over a boy & her saying she would rather be dead, or that she will never love again. (It feels like that then.) Or a young man betrayed by a friend. I mean despair true enough that their only hope of relief is death. A death they are prepared to exact on themselves. These children are between the ages of 5 & 12.
Five & twelve! A thought process that figures out a way for them to take their own life even at the age of five? We are not talking about a drug overdose or a gun to their head. Most children with these illnesses do not have access to those items; not even to knives or tools.
One child hung himself & his feet still touched the ground. Imagine the power not to just stand up?! One of my sons leaped out of a tree to "stop the voices". Breaking a lightbulb to cut his arm was his latest. A boy, age 5, tried leaping for a moving child. He also wanted to use a blunt object to stab himself. This was my other son. How would you stab yourself with a blunt object? Think of the pain. Think fo the pain they must feel inside to want to do this!
I have, as an adult, lay on a floor & sobbed until I could cry no more. This is as close to "despair" as I have ever felt. This does not even come close to what their pain must be.
The United States is the most medicated country in the world. A bunch of stressed, pill popping people. I struggled with the thought of putting a little child on medication. My mother pointed out that if my son could be happy, it would be worth it. My son would be physically violent even at 4 years old. He still feels guilty about the pain he has inflicted on his brother, who was 15 month younger.
Drugs. Tested on adults. These are not usually tested on children. There is no way to know the long term affects at this point. Not only about the results of one drug, but many. Many of these children have other co-existing illnesses which require more than one type of medication. Not all medications work for the same illness for each child. Many have trials & trials to find the right ones(s). There are blood tests, side effects. Any change in hormones & or growth may mean a change in medications or amounts. How do you follow the affects of 1 medication then?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
In Need of Help from Above - 24 Jan 2009
I called the boys last night. I talked @ 4 1/2 mins each. Ian is happy; got a cold a couple of days ago, like me. I told him his sister infected me with her germs! He said he was doing well; no request to come home.
Connor wanted to know if I'd opened his X-mas presents yet. I told him they were waiting for him. He asked when he was getting out. I told him that was up to him & his doctor. He said okay. He told me he hadn't hit anyone in a while & I told him that I was proud of him. (Then what, when he comes home?)
Connor told me to tell A Tess, the kitties, GMa & GPa "Hi" & that he loved them & their "big dog" (Phantom).
The dr. had called me earlier @ Ian's Zoloft & said he was doing well. I said I knew in an unhappy tone. The dr. said he had been begging for school. I had a call telling me he would be starting school Mon; that there would be 7 boys in his class & they had a field trip at the Popejoy Hall to see the Shanghai Circus. So, when I talk to Ian he said he knew & there were two more days.
Jim called Faith the day after I complained @ his lack of calling & @ his conversation.
I love my babies & pray that the Virgin Mary will intereceed on their behalf to help them & me, as a mother; someone that needs more help being a good mother & that my fears @ the boys when they come home are unfounded. Amen.
SMacLeod
Connor wanted to know if I'd opened his X-mas presents yet. I told him they were waiting for him. He asked when he was getting out. I told him that was up to him & his doctor. He said okay. He told me he hadn't hit anyone in a while & I told him that I was proud of him. (Then what, when he comes home?)
Connor told me to tell A Tess, the kitties, GMa & GPa "Hi" & that he loved them & their "big dog" (Phantom).
The dr. had called me earlier @ Ian's Zoloft & said he was doing well. I said I knew in an unhappy tone. The dr. said he had been begging for school. I had a call telling me he would be starting school Mon; that there would be 7 boys in his class & they had a field trip at the Popejoy Hall to see the Shanghai Circus. So, when I talk to Ian he said he knew & there were two more days.
Jim called Faith the day after I complained @ his lack of calling & @ his conversation.
I love my babies & pray that the Virgin Mary will intereceed on their behalf to help them & me, as a mother; someone that needs more help being a good mother & that my fears @ the boys when they come home are unfounded. Amen.
SMacLeod
Monday, January 19, 2009
Hide n Seek & Memories with my mum - 19 Jan 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Today, Faith, Tess & I went out to see Grandma & Papa. Faith played hide & go seek with Papa. Tess & I packed up books mum wants us to keep or take to the library. Hey, look, more stuff! The good news, I got a bookshelf to put them on!
I like going out there. Tess had an old creamer & sugar cup to show mum. It was from her parents' anniversary in the 50's. She looked surprised, but in that happy, remembering way. She remembered the day, the table decor, etc of the day. So neat. Mum said something about her siblings not remembering what Grandma looked like (her mom), & I made a quip @ her seeing her last, I was talking @ when she was walking with the angel, seeing her mum, etc. But she made a crack first that no, they all saw Grandma at the same time when she died. I am glad I can be entertaining to someone! (Of course, my kids say I am "funny" too, but I am not sure that is a good thing!)
It was funny watching Papa & Faith playing hide & seek. First Faith hid in the exact same place 3 times & he lost her 3 other times! She was giggling & laughing. She was cracking me up.
What a time in our lives as well. Martin Luther King Jr. day, when my 5 year old can tell me about how he has changed the world & tomorrow a black man will become president of the united states, close by President Abraham Lincoln's monument & the one that fought for freedom of slaves. If this doesn't cover it from one end to the other. It is amazing. After all, Mr. Obama is a writer, he can't do too bad!
SMacLeod
P.S. Jim (her father) hasn't called to talk to Faith in over a week.
Today, Faith, Tess & I went out to see Grandma & Papa. Faith played hide & go seek with Papa. Tess & I packed up books mum wants us to keep or take to the library. Hey, look, more stuff! The good news, I got a bookshelf to put them on!
I like going out there. Tess had an old creamer & sugar cup to show mum. It was from her parents' anniversary in the 50's. She looked surprised, but in that happy, remembering way. She remembered the day, the table decor, etc of the day. So neat. Mum said something about her siblings not remembering what Grandma looked like (her mom), & I made a quip @ her seeing her last, I was talking @ when she was walking with the angel, seeing her mum, etc. But she made a crack first that no, they all saw Grandma at the same time when she died. I am glad I can be entertaining to someone! (Of course, my kids say I am "funny" too, but I am not sure that is a good thing!)
It was funny watching Papa & Faith playing hide & seek. First Faith hid in the exact same place 3 times & he lost her 3 other times! She was giggling & laughing. She was cracking me up.
What a time in our lives as well. Martin Luther King Jr. day, when my 5 year old can tell me about how he has changed the world & tomorrow a black man will become president of the united states, close by President Abraham Lincoln's monument & the one that fought for freedom of slaves. If this doesn't cover it from one end to the other. It is amazing. After all, Mr. Obama is a writer, he can't do too bad!
SMacLeod
P.S. Jim (her father) hasn't called to talk to Faith in over a week.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Ian's going to Desert Hills - 9 Jan 2009
Today I got the release forms faxed to me to fill out & sign. Ian got transferred this afternoon to Desert Hills. I called him tonight & he sounded very happy. I talked to Connor as well. I was giving him a hard time for not calling me. He said, "I forgot". I say, "YOU FORGOT!!" I love to tease him.
I miss them, Faith misses them, Holly really misses Ian. But...I know they are safe, doing well, & happy. And as much as that stinks for me, this isn't about me, but how they can be safe & happy. I just hate for kids to suffer so much.
My friend's son Kyle is really having some problems as well. I wish I knew how to help her. She is really having a hard time as Kyle gets older & his behaviors seem to be going in reverse. I think it may be from other kids that harassed him during the basketball practise. His mom says it has gotten better, but I am not sure if any is better. He has an apt tomorrow for an intake to see the neurologist. Maybe he can get re-diagnosed & get some affective treatment that will help them all.
I miss them, Faith misses them, Holly really misses Ian. But...I know they are safe, doing well, & happy. And as much as that stinks for me, this isn't about me, but how they can be safe & happy. I just hate for kids to suffer so much.
My friend's son Kyle is really having some problems as well. I wish I knew how to help her. She is really having a hard time as Kyle gets older & his behaviors seem to be going in reverse. I think it may be from other kids that harassed him during the basketball practise. His mom says it has gotten better, but I am not sure if any is better. He has an apt tomorrow for an intake to see the neurologist. Maybe he can get re-diagnosed & get some affective treatment that will help them all.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
What is right?
J I am so glad! Especially how I cried the other night when he told me about how miserable he was. I cried to my sister. I just needed reassurance that I was doing what was right for him. I got such a headache!! So, to have him sound HAPPY thrilled me!
Ian sounded very happy tonight.
J Mommy loves & misses her Ian Ian!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Losing another child - Jan 6 2009
Ian had had a pretty good Christmas Vacation. I think that we were in Albuquerque helped. He drove all the kids' parents in the neighborhood crazy. Then, we only had two day left until school started again. But on this day, Ian & I were butting heads about cleaning up his room. His aunt was having a hard time with his disrespect. I knew he was having a harder day than he had been. But he had gone into his room & cleaned up some. So, when I was in Tess' room talking to her, I didn't think anything bad was going on, but Ian walked in to the room with his arm cut & scrapped up & said, "Are you happy now?"
And, as I promised if he ever hurt himself again, I called Desert Hills. I got an apt. for the 12, but drove him up to Kaseman's which is a Presbyterian Hospital acute care psychiatric clinic. It was a drive, since I threw things together in 15 minute & had to get gas on the way out of town.
He was okay until he had been checked in & we were waiting for an assessment. He wanted to go home. Then he just wanted a room to sleep!
The next day I went to get him some jeans, pj's, velcro shoes, & a coat. I got to spend some time with him. I built the train track in his car as we talked. He ate lunch. He was not happy to be there, but he knows why. I am not sure of the understanding of the link between cutting himself & him being there to get help so he doesn't do that.
Ian had a hard time over the next few days. I called him everyday as I promised. He was having some problems with an older kid that is staying in the clinic. He got upset & tried to cut himself with a domino. I talked to his counselor. I told him to think of his sister & me. That if he continued to do that, he would not be going to desert hills soon.
He promised & the counselor, Monica, said he talked to her & has kept his promise.
I did call too late one night & they didn't tell him I called, so he was not too happy about that.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Jim's appology to Ian/no call X-Mas - 1 Jan 2009
Hello Ian, how are you? I am sorry that I did not call you at Christmas. There is no excuse for not wishing you and your sister a very Merry Christmas. I hope you got all the presents you wanted for Christmas and I hope that you had a good time visiting with Connor in the hospital. How have you been? Good I hope. I wanted you to know that I love and miss you very much and wish that I could have come down there for Christmas. I am sorry for disapointing you. Someday I hope to make it up to you. You are growing up so quick and I am afraid I am running out of time. I wish you the very best in life and love you alot. Take care.
Love your Dad.
Love your Dad.
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