Some time in 2003
This is Sonya MacLeod Dewey. She is smart, kind, intelligent, and happy. (& nice looking). She has 3 children she loves and a husband who loves her very much. She is a write and published poet. She hopes to get a book she is writing published.
I see red when.... he is in bed all day (3pm!) (Jim)
When he doesn't help pick up, but walks over it!
He spends money without talking to me.
I have to tell him to do the obvious.
He acts like his mother is better than me, his wife.
I want to pull out my hair when......He doesn't see what his family does to him
He acts like he doesn't make his own life choices
He forgets his children are children
He forgets Connor is ill, like him.
When I ask him to do something and know I will end up doing it myself.
I want to run away from home when.... We fight over his parents.
I feel he doesn't care about being a good influence for Connor
He hurts me with his words.
He ignores me or cusses.
I feel he'd prefer to be single.
I want to call the guys in the white coats when.....he acts like his folks care.
He acts like his folks are "normal".
when he rages.
When he yells about the kids
when he won't get out of bed.
My 5 worst traits: mistrust, abuse, fear, hatred, hopelessness.
I guess what just hit me (lightbulb moment !) is Fear.
What is the worst? I will wake up alone. I sleep alone any ways!
I am afraid he wouldn't take care of himself with his meds etc. But is that for me to worry about? I fear it would affect the kids and it would, but it would be his choice, his decision, his actions, not mine!
Personal Concepts Profile
I tend to deny how hard it is on me (Bi-Polar)
I am happiest when I am working on my own.
Sometimes I don't like people around me.
What makes me angry is Jim's lack to work on Bi-Polar stuff
I wish my kids had a peaceful home life
I hate it when Jim yells, especially at the kids.
When I get angry I feel it welling up inside me.
I would give anything if my partner would face his family problems and deal with them!
Sometimes I wish I could leave.
I would be more lovable if some stress was lifted.
My mother and father listen even if they can't help and talk to me with encouragement.
If only I had more knowledge to help my kids and Jim.
My best quality is my strength.
Sometimes at night I think about how to change or help things.
When I was a child I was happy. There was no yelling.
My worst trait is my temper
My life really changed when I met Jim
If my relationship ends it will be because of his mother.
My partner hates it when I can't forget the hard his parents have done.
When I am alone I am fine.
My partner gets angry when I won't get along with his parents.
My partners greatest fear is losing us.
It hurts me when my partner puts his mother's feelings over mine.
I feel most lonely when he "doesn't hear me".
I am afraid of hurting Jim and the boys.
I love my family.
We used to laugh more because none of this had occurred.
It would b e best if he and I could come to some agreement.
Friends are few.
I feel like a phony when I make excuses.
I can't forgive his parents.
Together we seem right.
What surprises me is when he does something I don't ask.
I believe I will be alone as I age due to divorce or death.
Other people think I am strong for what goes on in my life.
Men are not all suited for families.
Women (a lot) are better care takers.
I regret not standing up to his mom 6 years ago in my own home!
It doesn't pay to marry someone who married before and parents who don't want you to marry their son!
It helps when we have times we get along
If only you had hindsight!
We never seem to be on the same plane.
4. Saw that my children didn't just need me for their care, but just needed me as me.
5. Be a write, race driver and vet.
6. Raise my sons to be self sufficient men who treat their wives properly and to publish a book.
7. Be a writer.
8. As a writer who was secluded, but famous under my pen name.
9. To be more educated. I wonder at times what I ever learned in school!
10. My sons, writing, journal, family history, photos
11. A published writer and just a mom as that is what I love being!
12. Successful, (but it is hard since I stay at home).
13. See my grandchildren, my children happy, publish my book and see Scotland!
14. Being more as God would want me to be.
15. Be a writer of novels.
Music, kids, spiritual life, honesty, free time, pride in work, pride in appearance, living with dignity, health, being in nature, being in nature, permission to say do, be who I am, different lifestyle, passion, excitement, independence, meaningful relationship, different body condition, feeling like a giver, extended family.
One of the things I hope to find out about myself is why I can encourage others towards change, but accept me and my life as "this is it".
I need to know why I am feeling so frustrated and angry. I need to know how to change that.
In my relationship, I want to share good times and memories. There is a big black there with my husbands illness and I feel trapped. I don't want to share this part, but maybe need to.
This time next year I would like my job to be as rewarding as it has been caring and helping my children grow.
By the time I finish this workbook, I would like to be able to be me without feeling bad and be happy regardless of everybody else.
I have discovered I am happy being a mom, but I put the rest of myself away due to the rest of my family and my husband, who, half the time, I feel I want to escape despite loving him.
The realization is emerging and I hope with the me I shoved away 6 years ago.
Especially Happy:
Dec 1995 when Jim and I went to my work at Showbizz video. He was holding my hand and I was very happy. I was his. My friend Annick was there and we were talking to her. I just remember standing there, happy.
Really Excited!
Another time was January 19, 1996 when I found out that I was going to have my first son, Connor. I was in the doctors office @ 1:10 pm I had taken a home pregnancy test after Jim had made a comment the evening before about how I was eating. I then thought about that and my need to unbutton my jeans. I just thought it was over eating my mom's Christmas Goodies. I called my friend, Cristn and told her I thought I was pregnant. She was happy. She would go with me to the doctors at 1pm. I got McDonald's for Jim and I at lunch at my house. I didn't tell him. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure. I saw my boss at Walgreens and she made a comment that I would probably be the next one pg. I told her I was on my way to the OB at 1pm. Cristen, her baby son and I went to the doctors. When they told me I was pregnant I was so happy! We went to the base to tell Jim.
Senior Chief Nelson, although I don't recall the words, when I was working in the AK shop I had worked my behind off in, a new girl came in and got an award. Senior saw that it upset me and he said something about it not meaning anything and not to let it upset me. I had felt better. He often treated me like one of his kids and shortly after I transferred to the Line, that Senior ran.
I've learned that I fear disapproval of people. I've always known this. I even know where it stems from, at least in part.
UNKNOWN DATE - before 2003 Possibly 2000
pg 36 - 40
I tend to deny that Jim may not love me any more.
Jim is holding my hand and smiles at me.
Some times I wish things could be easier; a bit.
What makes me angry is when he has a foul mouth.
I wish Jim and I could reconnect.
I hate it when Jim "can't" spend positive time with the boys.
When I get angry I feel like fire inside me. (Maybe this is furious.)
I would give anything if my partner would put more effort into our marriage.
Some times I think we should have met at a different time.
I would be more loveable if I wasn't always afraid.
My mother and biological father are divorced.
If only I had been stronger.
My best quality is trying to "advise"
Sometimes at night I love to push Jim's hair and just look at him. ***********
When I was a child I was pretty happy.
My worst trait is pushing when inside I'm pulling.
My life really changed when I met Jim*******
If my relationship ends it will be because of giving up. ****
My partner hates it when I make assumptions, (But easy when he won't talk!)
When I am alone I think of Jim a lot.
My partner gets angry when things don't go his way or he doesn't take his little yellow pill!
My partner's greatest fear is staying with me.
It hurts me when my partner discounts how I feel.
I feel the most lonely when I am competing for Jim's attention.
I am afraid of losing Jim and setting my children up for confusion and pain.
I love my husband and my sons more than anything.-----
We used to laugh more because there were less problems, ie., wives, mother-in-law, money, trust, lies.
28. It would be best
Friends, that what I wish we were more.
I feel like a phony when I have to pretend to be nice to his mother.
I can't forgive lies.
Together we are quite a pair!
What surprises me is his not "seeing:" how Connor is being like him.
I believe if we had more money the stress would be less.
Other people think it is time to go.
Men and women have difficulties when they were brought up diversely.
Women process things differently.
I regret the pain of the past.**********
It does not pay to remain in a marriage if you are not committed to wanting a friendship and successful marriage.
It helps when we read the bible and "talk" at night.
If only.........
We never seem to want too much similar at the same time.
(I am pretty sure this was during Pecan Drive 2000.)
Family First
My dad was gone. Worked hard whole life, strong. A Joey was fun, full of ideas;energetic. Uncle Robert read, played. Tony - took care of us. A hard worker.
Keith left; didn't take responsibility;ran away when life got hard. Didn't attempt to keep in touch.
Tony - stubborn; his way even if it was the harder way!
Mom was a nurse. Took care of me. Brought me food and activities in bed when I was sick.(Utah) Baking. When she visited and didn't have patience for my smothering her when she came home. Made crafts when I was really small. Creative.
A Joey was fun. Controlling. Doing crafts Great holidays with lots of BIG family. Telling me my mom bought stuff to buy my love. (Her jealousy of my mom.) Taught me a lot of things.
Keith - I just loved him.
Tony - took us on, especially me at 16. Decorated my room in Wales.
Robert was smart. Picked on me as I got older. I think it was his misery. When I was very small he played and read to me. Hitting me and then threatening to do it again if I ever was disrespectful to A Joey again.
Me
I have been told I was never an affectionate child. I didn't want to be help and coddled. My mom said she did anyways and I know I have pics. I never felt emotionally deprived. I knew my mom loved me and AJ loved me. Tony loved and cared for me. I was hugged a lot. That is my favorite affection vs kissing. I don't recall with Keith.
I felt I was expected to fail, but as an adult and my Aunt got ill I was the one that was there despite my complex life. Tonya (Tess) became more rebellious that I was at a later age. I did it in my teens.
page 77
We fight in front of the kids.
I put up with mistreatment and irresponsible behaviors. Both Jim and I have been irresponsible. I allowed his past to remain in our marriage.
This has given grounds for an abusive relationship. It has harmed us and our children.
I try to be more vocally positive, but have "caught" more bad. I do less physical activities with them and I think I may have a problem.
I love and care about them. I am strong enough to take care of them.
I don't think my kids may feel they get enough of my time, despite my being home.
I am stepping up my requirements and expecting more of him and need to let go a bit of my hold.
I hope to put more positive reinforcements vs. negative in their lives.
Being so abstract; aloof.
On what I think about myself, the type of parent I've been. The negative influence I've allowed and the abuse and hard that we've caused each other and our children.
I am not a failure or a quitter.
I am not a bad wife.
I am not a bad person
I was not pg at 16 (U Robert)
I was not a bad child.
I am reliable.
I am responsible.
I do have money issues.
I do allow others to hurt me and I put up with it.
My children are worthy to be happy.
My children deserve a secure home.
My children deserve a happy mom and dad even if that means being apart.
I will live for today.
I do not have to cram everything into today to be a good mom! (past!)
Yesterday is gone, Tomorrow is not here yet.
I will no longer be a prisoner of my past or Jim's past.
I am who I am because of my life and my children and myself and am better for it.
If I wasn't I couldn't have helped my children through or Jim through their illnesses J
I give myself permission to have better because I deserve better.
I give myself permission to be happy! J
I am going to be more emotionally available to my children!
I want my children to find their authentic self and whatever that may be ie., a soldier, a doctor etc. To enjoy it and be excited and determined to do it.
I want to expose them to different things.
To find out what they are good at.
Take risks with them ie., music lessons, buy the guitar etc.
To focus on their talent and to encourage them even if it gets tough.
Take classes, read, research, visit people who do it.
