When did my life come so undone?
When did I lose control?
Why is my family in pieces?
I never expected life to be easy.
I never expected it to always be sunny.
But who expects to have their children not to live at home?
Who thinks they will have to make choices where their own child can't live with them?
How do you put a good spin on that so your child doesn't think you are abandoning them?
So they think you still love them, but this is what is best for them?
Why does a parent have to fight with the insurance companies who only want to run a business?
They don't care about your ill child.
Then when something horrible happens people blame the ill child or the parent.
What are you supposed to do?
Tears flow & your body is wracked with sobs.
Then they just won't come any more.
But you are still left there to make the horrible choices you should never have to make!
My head hurts, my heart aches, my soul is being ripped from my chest.
If this is how I feel, then how will my child feel?
SMacLeod
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Life's little complications - 27 Jan 2012
Last week I got a call from Connor's foster mother. The insurance is wanting Connor out of treatment foster care. So the FYI counselor wanted a meeting the 6 of February with me & his foster mom to go over "ideas" of what may be next for my son.
That night I sat & cried. When I mentioned to his sister, Faith, about them wanting him out, she said what would seem so simple to many people, "Why? He is getting help there."
You would think. You would think that insurance was designed to help people; especially people who have illnesses. I wonder if John Hyde & the incident in Albuquerque, NM where a mentally ill man went to facilities begging for help, which was refused, went on a shooting rampage, means anything to anyone besides me?
Options? One is to come home. He needs more structure than most homes provide. I get sick several times a month, who will keep constant supervision over him then?
Two, a group home, which may take him. He will be with other males that are older than him & not necessarily as in need of such care.
Three, to hand my son over to the state. They will take over his care. I will have my heart ripped out of my chest as will my children. Can you imagine the abandonment my son will feel?
I called his father crying, not knowing what to do.
If Connor is removed from his school & treatment foster home here is what will happen:
1. They will not complete his testing for Autism & IQ.
2. They will rip him out of a school he has done well in.
3. They will rip him out of a home that provides structure & constant supervision.
4. Once again, when Connor is doing well, he will be taken from all that he is used to & responds well to.
The best thing that has happened since that day was Jim calling to say that he & his fiance are looking into facilites where they live in South Dakota to see if he can be placed there.
I don't know why, but all three of our children thrive when they are raised seperately. They love each other & I hope that won't change, but being together is just not a safe, happy, feasible way for them to live. I hate it. I wonder what went wrong & why. I would rather give up my son to further help, though, than not do what is safe for all three of them.
I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but it sure does hurt. I am glad God is there to carry us through.
SMacLeod
That night I sat & cried. When I mentioned to his sister, Faith, about them wanting him out, she said what would seem so simple to many people, "Why? He is getting help there."
You would think. You would think that insurance was designed to help people; especially people who have illnesses. I wonder if John Hyde & the incident in Albuquerque, NM where a mentally ill man went to facilities begging for help, which was refused, went on a shooting rampage, means anything to anyone besides me?
Options? One is to come home. He needs more structure than most homes provide. I get sick several times a month, who will keep constant supervision over him then?
Two, a group home, which may take him. He will be with other males that are older than him & not necessarily as in need of such care.
Three, to hand my son over to the state. They will take over his care. I will have my heart ripped out of my chest as will my children. Can you imagine the abandonment my son will feel?
I called his father crying, not knowing what to do.
If Connor is removed from his school & treatment foster home here is what will happen:
1. They will not complete his testing for Autism & IQ.
2. They will rip him out of a school he has done well in.
3. They will rip him out of a home that provides structure & constant supervision.
4. Once again, when Connor is doing well, he will be taken from all that he is used to & responds well to.
The best thing that has happened since that day was Jim calling to say that he & his fiance are looking into facilites where they live in South Dakota to see if he can be placed there.
I don't know why, but all three of our children thrive when they are raised seperately. They love each other & I hope that won't change, but being together is just not a safe, happy, feasible way for them to live. I hate it. I wonder what went wrong & why. I would rather give up my son to further help, though, than not do what is safe for all three of them.
I know God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but it sure does hurt. I am glad God is there to carry us through.
SMacLeod
A Sister's Betrayal - 22 Jan 2012
I have a friend, that has been more than a friend. Her family is my family.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to think of life, my life, without them.
This friend was uncomfortable around my sisters fiance. My sister & her fiance would go over & seem oblivious to manners of time to stay & when to go. It was also uncomfortable because my friend does not know either of them well & they weren't in my company.
It seemed that despite polite comments by myself for them "not to stay long" when picking up my daughter, wasn't getting understood. My sister, who doesn't have any close friends, kept wanting to ask my friend to do things. Being the way she is, my friend is just too kind to say she didn't feel comfortable or didn't want to. It took her years to get rid of a "friend" who would make rude, hurtful comments.
In order to head off any hurt feelings or uncomfortable situations, I thought being frank with my sister was needed. (What wisdom! Ugh.) I explained that my friend was not comfortable around Tess' fiance. I asked my sister not to say anything as I wanted to aviod hurt feelings to her fiance & the discomfort of my friend, but felt this would head off anything in the future.
Imagine my surprise to find that my sister text my friend directly. She wanted to know if it was true. As if I would really make something like this up. Like I am that bored in my life. Well, so much for not making people feel uncomfortable. I was not only totally betrayed by my sister, but what would my friend think to know that a took a conversation she surely felt was safe with me, was not.
I was angry & hurt. I felt surely I lost a friend who had been through so much for me. I sat in my chair & I cried. I don't trust her anymore, which is hard when it is your sister. I also didn't wish to go to see my friend any more either. I felt I had betrayed her friendship. So, this was the second time in less than 2 months that Tess & I have had a huge alteration in our friendship.
Texts:
To Tess - I told you that in confidence. I trusted you. She was my best friend.
Tess - I'm sorry. I'm being told one thing from you and another from kerry. I asked her which was true?? Ur telling me she's uncomfortable and doesn't want us around and she and chris are telling us the opposite? ?? I'm trying to figure out the truth. So I'm sorry. Bill and I will stay away from your friends; I didn't relize I wasn't allowed any friends. I will tell kerry we will stay away and again I am sorry. I always seem to screw everythg up.
Tess D'Arco But one of u is lying to us...and I don't appreciate that...
To Tess - Did you really think she wld tell you she was uncomfortable? She is too nice. That was why I thought I cld tell you that in confidence. Apparrently not.
Tess - The only reason i said anythf to her was becausr shr asured us just yesterday that she wanted to get to know us better. We sat n talked w/ her n she said she had no problem w/ either of us. But don't worry @ it. I didn't mean to come between u. U don't have to worry. We will stay away. No reason for u to b jealous anymore. Like I said apparently I screw everything up. So again I'm sorry.
Tess - U just can't let me b happy...
To Tess - This wasn't about you. I tried to tell you something so Bill wldnt get his feelings hurt by perhaps future aloofness by them as he did nothing wrong. So maybe the invites wldnt be hurtful when they kept refusing. My fault. Shld have kept my mouth shut. I betrayed my best friends confidence. I won't say a word from now on.
Tess - Then why did they say they wanted to go out w/ us on the 27th or 28th to the v to hear that band and dance??
To Tess - I don't know. I guess I lied. Doesn't matter any more anyways.
Tess - I just feel like I am caught in the middle. I love you and. Love bill. I truly don't want any problems with anyone. I just want all of us to just get along just like a family should. I know bill likes you and bug. He doesnt want any problems between anyone. He just wants to belong. So do you have any suggestions on how to fix things.
To Tess - Not now. You didn't have to say a thing to her. You put her in a bad situation & me. I was just trying to avoid discomfort, but apparently I needn't have bothered. You can have fun the 27th. Apparently I was mistaken.
Tess - no they don't want anythg to do w/ us now. So like I said I screwed up again. We will no longer have anythg to do w/ them. Again I'm sorry I caused priblems I won't anymore.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to think of life, my life, without them.
This friend was uncomfortable around my sisters fiance. My sister & her fiance would go over & seem oblivious to manners of time to stay & when to go. It was also uncomfortable because my friend does not know either of them well & they weren't in my company.
It seemed that despite polite comments by myself for them "not to stay long" when picking up my daughter, wasn't getting understood. My sister, who doesn't have any close friends, kept wanting to ask my friend to do things. Being the way she is, my friend is just too kind to say she didn't feel comfortable or didn't want to. It took her years to get rid of a "friend" who would make rude, hurtful comments.
In order to head off any hurt feelings or uncomfortable situations, I thought being frank with my sister was needed. (What wisdom! Ugh.) I explained that my friend was not comfortable around Tess' fiance. I asked my sister not to say anything as I wanted to aviod hurt feelings to her fiance & the discomfort of my friend, but felt this would head off anything in the future.
Imagine my surprise to find that my sister text my friend directly. She wanted to know if it was true. As if I would really make something like this up. Like I am that bored in my life. Well, so much for not making people feel uncomfortable. I was not only totally betrayed by my sister, but what would my friend think to know that a took a conversation she surely felt was safe with me, was not.
I was angry & hurt. I felt surely I lost a friend who had been through so much for me. I sat in my chair & I cried. I don't trust her anymore, which is hard when it is your sister. I also didn't wish to go to see my friend any more either. I felt I had betrayed her friendship. So, this was the second time in less than 2 months that Tess & I have had a huge alteration in our friendship.
Texts:
To Tess - I told you that in confidence. I trusted you. She was my best friend.
Tess - I'm sorry. I'm being told one thing from you and another from kerry. I asked her which was true?? Ur telling me she's uncomfortable and doesn't want us around and she and chris are telling us the opposite? ?? I'm trying to figure out the truth. So I'm sorry. Bill and I will stay away from your friends; I didn't relize I wasn't allowed any friends. I will tell kerry we will stay away and again I am sorry. I always seem to screw everythg up.
Tess D'Arco But one of u is lying to us...and I don't appreciate that...
To Tess - Did you really think she wld tell you she was uncomfortable? She is too nice. That was why I thought I cld tell you that in confidence. Apparrently not.
Tess - The only reason i said anythf to her was becausr shr asured us just yesterday that she wanted to get to know us better. We sat n talked w/ her n she said she had no problem w/ either of us. But don't worry @ it. I didn't mean to come between u. U don't have to worry. We will stay away. No reason for u to b jealous anymore. Like I said apparently I screw everything up. So again I'm sorry.
Tess - U just can't let me b happy...
To Tess - This wasn't about you. I tried to tell you something so Bill wldnt get his feelings hurt by perhaps future aloofness by them as he did nothing wrong. So maybe the invites wldnt be hurtful when they kept refusing. My fault. Shld have kept my mouth shut. I betrayed my best friends confidence. I won't say a word from now on.
Tess - Then why did they say they wanted to go out w/ us on the 27th or 28th to the v to hear that band and dance??
To Tess - I don't know. I guess I lied. Doesn't matter any more anyways.
Tess - I just feel like I am caught in the middle. I love you and. Love bill. I truly don't want any problems with anyone. I just want all of us to just get along just like a family should. I know bill likes you and bug. He doesnt want any problems between anyone. He just wants to belong. So do you have any suggestions on how to fix things.
To Tess - Not now. You didn't have to say a thing to her. You put her in a bad situation & me. I was just trying to avoid discomfort, but apparently I needn't have bothered. You can have fun the 27th. Apparently I was mistaken.
Tess - no they don't want anythg to do w/ us now. So like I said I screwed up again. We will no longer have anythg to do w/ them. Again I'm sorry I caused priblems I won't anymore.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Dec 2011
My mother's tree, plus a visitor! 
My tree, plus my annual visitor. She loves laying in it, the nut!
Snow!
Christmas with the Dorcheus Family. My "sister" Kerry, "brother" Chris & my lovely nieces, Masie, Taylor, & Hailey! :)
This is the lady behind the camera, just so you know.
Scrambling for the pressies!
Masie loves Mario!
Hailey is happy! See dad. Taylor is too! Squinkies! Chris was opening Broncos truck mats!
Rex & Pablo love their little person toy! :)
Okay, before you turn us in, look at the label folks! Mago & grape fizzy drinks. They are really good!
My presents were the best from Chris, Kerry & my girlies! :)
And to think, all that time in the UK & I never had a gnome before! He is 6" tall!
Aren't these great?! "Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil".
This is a Friendship bracelet with a Celtic knot in the heart. So great! Thank you everyone. They were awesome & we had a wonderful time!
Christmas Eve with Faith
HP Necklace, the three Deathly Hallows; her favorite.
The cash register she really wanted. Can you tell?
Oh yeah!
Wow! 
Fuzzy like Jenny Weazley from HP.
Christmas Day - Our Trip to see Connor in Las Cruces
This was the nasty fog on our way. 
Connor Opening Presents
From Kerry & family. He LOVES it!
Why won't they stop growing?!
Me n my Muffin Lady.
Now Angels!
Wow that is good!
Eek! Here she comes!
My happy boy! 
And girl!
Playing on the Big Balls! (Wipeout, people!) We went to the movie Tin Tin & this was outside & then to the park.
Watch out, he's coming! Got me several times too! He & Faith had a great time. My best friend is a red head! Isn't she lovely? (No arguing woman!)
This is my Ian with his Dad & Lisa, Jim's girlfriend. (Have you seen a Christmas tree that big before?!)
5 Jan 2012
It is a new year & several new things happening.
Ian is remaining with his father & girlfriend. They moved from Iowa to South Dakota. Ian has been doing great in school & is very happy. He is already studying the driver's manual. (How scarey is that....on so many levels! :) )
Connor has had a rough time lately, but hoping the best now that school has started up again! He is healthy & getting too tall!
My little sister, Tess, is getting married! She has met a man that treats her right & treats her well. All my best to them & their future together.
Faith & I are pretty settled in our new little home. She just loves living in the country. I have never seen her outside so much!
Ian is remaining with his father & girlfriend. They moved from Iowa to South Dakota. Ian has been doing great in school & is very happy. He is already studying the driver's manual. (How scarey is that....on so many levels! :) )
Connor has had a rough time lately, but hoping the best now that school has started up again! He is healthy & getting too tall!
My little sister, Tess, is getting married! She has met a man that treats her right & treats her well. All my best to them & their future together.
Faith & I are pretty settled in our new little home. She just loves living in the country. I have never seen her outside so much!
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