I was all ready to pick up my house this morning. (No, really!) I have this friend, Kerry, who does day care & raises three children & a husband & her house is always nice & picked up! Yes, envy! I have no excuses. Maybe it is because I am so flighty. Who knows. So, what went wrong? Thinking. It can do me in every time!
I was thinking about my oldest, Connor, going into a foster home & all the things I would want to tell them about him. I would want to ask if he could have his things from home; there isn't too much. Tell them to hand things on his ceiling not his walls. If he is angry anything on the walls won't be there later!
I thought of Halloween & how pumpkins are his favorite no matter what time of year it is. Here is it October & it makes my heart ache. I hurt. I know because he is so resilient, like me, he is fine. He misses us, but he is ok.
I talked to him Tues night & he sounded quite happy until a child bugged him on the phone. I could hear anger there, not just annoyance. I sit here & wonder on my decisions. Will he ever understand how much I wanted a child? I wanted children so much that I was going to finish my degree in college & get artificially inseminated. This is how much. Ever since I can remember I wanted kids & I wanted a lot of them.
So, marriage was totally unexpected, but being pregnant, who cared, I was getting my baby! I always wanted the first to be a boy. I guess I thought he would protect his younger siblings & Connor would if they were threatened. He has that animal instinct built in. But he has that solitary instinct built in too. No wonder he likes wolves.
I guess those facts actually make me worry less about him. I know he can be without us & be ok. He can adapt. Maybe without the stressors in our home he will thrive. That is what I want. I want my son to thrive & be happy. He is so beautiful when he is happy & if ever someone deserved it, he does. I am only sorry that I can't make the pain & anger he feels inside go away, so he can be like other children. Growing up is hard enough.
I love you son. Mommy
SMacLeod
7 Oct 2010
10:24 pnm
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