Good morning! No, you don't offend me. Sound like my mom! The problem with Jim isn't that maybe I shouldn't, but I don't want too. He is mentally ill, and frankly, without me, his family will leave him to dry. I really dislike them. I wish I didn't. Never planned on it, but my mother in law has this nasty nack of making everything crappy.
Last summer when Jim went home (he goes about 2 x's a yr as taking care of him is hard too.) It was with the understanding that his family would give him money to return home. His mom gave him $50 as soon as he got there, knowing his spending problems. Duh. Then his dad didn't want to fork over the money. He went to commit suicide in his basement.
Jim and I are more caretaker/patient. I expect if he wasn't ill, it would be easier to just leave. Currently, he is in IA, I am filing the separation. He wants to come home now. I told him no. No meds, no counseling in place, no anger bk done. He isn't ready. I won't let him come here. He may return to town, but he won't be here. His things are still packed. (We just bought a house.) I am being stronger this time. (Dr. Phil advocate!) I am not giving in this time. He has to do certain things. As per the separation he cannot have even visitation without me around. He has no custody due to the illness.
Connor tried the stimulants several yrs ago and went ballistic. The dumb pediatrician, I told her his father was bp. He was 5 then. We went through a summer of hell with him and the meds that summer, it was awful. The house we were in was torn up and being redone etc. Ugh.
Jim, I think has problems being on disability. I think he doesn't know what to do with his time, you know. The meds make him sleep a lot, and no bp I've encountered likes that. After all, being manic is fun! Until the downfall. And right now, he is unmedicated and being manic. There really is nothing I can do. He has to make the choice. The difference this time, is he isn't here doing it. I figure let his family deal with it and see how fun it is. At some point soon, it will all hit the fan.
This is their family, father was into porn, they did spouse swapping, Jim was sexually abused by sitters and family members, mentally abused, incest, fun life. He got out as soon as he could and joined the army and later went AF. He was married young, married the first girl he was "with", she had been abused and was abusive.
He was where Mt. Pinatubo errupted and the AF wouldn't evacuated. CNN actually said they were all dead! So, Second wife was AF and met in the Philippines, got her pg, and married her even though he didn't want to. She was abused and funny enough her family lived down the rd from a relative of mine. She drank and was abusive. They separated after a yr or two and when he went TDY, she hadn't been paying the bills, and cleaned out the house when he was gone.
He went to Italy and was drinking heavily by this time. She obviously had their son. They were divorced in 94. I met him Dec 95. I had no clue about the sexual abuse, porn, messes in general. I didn't learn about the incest until 5 yrs into the marriage. It explained a lot. The porn from his dad later explained a lot. He was brought up thinking THAT was the way it should me. HELLO! Made a mess here.
We've been through a lot and made it through a great deal. The man could cry at a sad movie, but say the cruelest things. It just wasn't making sense. They had him on anti-depressants in the AF, but depression wasn't covering the rest of the behavior! I started researching. It just couldn't be as simple as I marriage a jerk from hell.
The worst part was the disentigrating probs with the folks. He wouldn't confront them about crap and I would. You can imagine how liked I was, talking about porn and abuse! His mother would say things in re to me being his third wife and getting used to it etc. I already had Connor and was pg with Ian. Not the most brilliant things. Hind-sight.
He would defend the folks as having done their best and for me it wasn't good enough! We fought about them a lot. When Ian was born his mother and her hubby came out again and I vowed to give it a fresh go. I did. I asked Jim not to leave me alone with her. He did. She sat there asking me questions and I though, wow, maybe we just go off wrong. Within 10 min she turned on me and used everything she dug to throw in my face. I didn't tell Jim (my mistake along with not shoving her out the door - hind sight again), so I secluded myself the rest of their visit, he thought I was just being a b and it got worse. He didn't believe me when I finally told him it all.
He went into trucking after he got out of the AF. We moved to KS to be close to a point we'd see him. We were so out of money I couldn't afford diapers, food. His family made me literally beg, esp his mom for money. I resented her for it. She kept telling me to go home to my family, but she'd call me to pester me and complain.
Well, I got my justification in 2000. We filed for divorce. We'd been discussing it, I had done the paperwork. We were waiting for taxes so I could afford it. Then he wanted to buy a car we couldn't afford. He got mad said he wanted the divorce then and I lost it, really. I physically attacked him, scratching, screaming. Needless to say, an ex-cop? Well, he tried leaving, but I blocked his every move. It ended up with me on the floor and his hands on my throat. Hard to get past that one. We filed that day.
Then I called his dad. told him we were splitting, asked if he wanted me to keep in touch etc. Apologized etc. He said to keep in touch, send pics of the boys etc. That he understood Jim was not easy to live w. Great really.
Then I called his mother. Apologized we never had a good relationship etc. Asked about keeping in touch etc. She said, "Everyone makes mistakes, just move on." She didn't want to keep in touch. Wired Jim (I wish I knew!) $2,000 to go home. To me, she proved what I said and when I pointed it out, he saw that I was right. After a couple weeks, we called off the divorce to not ler "her" win. She was furious to say the least!
We've have come a long way, if you can believe it. He didn't want to believe in the bp thing. At this point it would get to where I would lock him out of the house and we'd play door tag. I had crying children and already Connor was a concern to me and my mother. It finally came down to the ultimatum. You get the help or you lose this family too. He got the help. Went to VA, who put him on med after med, but refused to dx him. We finally went to a civilian dr and got the dx. VA asked why were were so interested in a dx. HELLO! can't get proper help without it. It was like living with Jekyl and Hyde. He'd be really up or really down. Our finances were so hosed we filed for bankruptcy the same yr. This was after yrs of my folks getting hosed my trying to keep us out. My dad gave us his retirement money etc. Sad.
Learning about the bp was the best thing for me. IT explains so much. It is my son and my husband to a T. It is so scary! I have been on on-line support groups, but mostly they whine, without tying anything new and that is what I hate. Whine, yes, but try something new!
We finally got the VA to dx, in which then came the disability fight. We finally got that and we able to return some of the money to my folks. We put cash in two ck boxs, wrapped them, and gave them to my mom! It was the best feeling in the world!
The problem with Jim is the meds work for a while and then quit or the side affects are bad. Risperdol which worked well for Connor, we put Jim on. It did work, but the facial contortions and drooling were getting to where it was bad. As young as he is, I understand. VA doesn't have all the meds available, so we've been though them all. The fun bit is you take the meds, and they knock you out. He was asleep a lot. My mothers point was have him around when he could be. It is still hard on all of us, you know? Do you, don't you? And not putting myself up there, but I am the only one he has ever known that has stuck with him.
He had a long term friend that was his sponsor in AA. (He did tell me that up front.) I kept telling him this guy was gay, but Jim thought I was nuts. He wrote Jim a couple times yr and the only friend that did. When Jim was trucking two things happened that made things bad again. 1. the trainer tried messing with him when he was asleep. 2. He and this friend met up when Jim was in TX. Jim was excited to see him after so long. They got a hotel and talked, ate, had a good time. When Jim was getting ready for be, this "friend" got in bed, and told Jim he wanted a bit more. Jim flipped. He told him no, and curled up and stayed there. Nothing like a flash back to the childhood misery. Not to mention your wife being right. It had to suck. It has been one misery and let down after another.
He called last night and I told him he couldn't come home. He wants to. I said, you are unmedicated, you haven't done your anger book, you have no counseling ready, I can't have you come home. I haven't cried, the kids are doing ok. He has to do some things. He got his Harley, blew his money for the month. This is his mania. This is why I got the separation papers done before he left! I told him I don't need a kid, I want a man who can take care of me. Jim's illness really doesn't make him capable. I told him he has two special needs children and like his folks, he won't admit a problem. They hide. They taught him well. But they may look okay, but aren't. They do have special needs. So, we'll see how long it goes on.
I know it is a mess. I am working on it! Hey my mouse is acting up! Well, this is some messy history of mine!
Sonya
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