Assignment #6 - Dr. Phil

Assignment #6

Saturday, April 29, 2006    7:40 PM

The 5 most frustrating and persistent negative behavioral patterns or situations in your life.

#1 - I don't tend to do what I want from the start. There are times I don't for the acceptance. There are times I don't because I am wanting someone to tell me or okay that I can do something different. ie., I want my husband to say, No, why don't you do such and such. I know I gain attention even though it isn't the kind that I want. I guess like a kid, negative is better than none.

I deflect the pain of rejection, but this doesn't really work. Because when I don't get the feedback that I want, I get hurt anyways and the feeling of let down.

No, it doesn't actually make my life easier.

#2 - Along with the last one, is the fact that I always feel afraid. I tend to confront something fearful rather than confident. I hate that. I don't know that I appear that way, but I feel that way inside me. I hate it. I pre-plan, pre-think, and over think things.

This doesn't help me at all. I am unsure why I feel this way. I am unsure about a payoff for this one because it is a fear for me and no one knows that I am going through it.

#3 - I can't let something go if I don't feel I have resolution. This is particularly bad when I am angry or fighting. I can't just go to sleep like "he" can. I will literally steam that it is so simple for him to go to sleep.  I even used to wake him. I need an ending. I hate that I am like this. I think the pay off is for me. Not something that I get from others, but something I have given to myself to okay the behavior.

I get attention, no doubt. I also think I have this fear that if I just don't go on with a fight then he will think he is right about the situation especially if it has to do with the children and him or him and his illness, or him and his lack of helping and pawning it off on his ex-wife. It doesn't make my life easier and certainly not better.

#4 - Fighting. I keep fighting. I don't even fight to win, but I don't fight to lose either. Many times Jim will get down and understand my point and that is usually what I want to hear, that he gets my point. The problem is no change comes from it. It is a payoff in that he "sees" what I mean, but then it is a hollow victory as no change comes.

This is the same as #3. It also isn't good for my health and I have learned that while he was away. I knew it already, but having not fought with him I am calmer and feel better.

#5 - I keep myself in a situation where nothing will improve and nothing will change with Jim and myself. The payoff I guess is that I still have him. He still loves me. However, this isn't what I want. I don't just want someone to say they love me any more. I continue to bail him out of situations not only because I love him, but he is the father of my children, and I feel obligated not just as a wife or friend, but because others have continually let him down. I don't want to be one of those things. Then, I think I am enabling him to not get control of his illness as well. I am trying to change this one. And the easier part is like a thorn. It is easier in some aspects to have their father involved, but in many it isn't. Sad.

8:32 PM

5 smartest things I have ever done; why did they work? What did I get out of each one.

1 - Had my kids. They give me joy, fulfilled my dream, and each day is the best adventure I could ever ask for. They help me grow, they've helped me change, and realize who I really am and that it IS enough. J

2 - Started walking. It makes me feel better. I feel that I am making myself live longer for the kids especially with high blood pressure, heart disease being the #1 killer of women, and I feel proud of myself. Not only the physical, but mentally. I think, I talk, I sort, I remember, I redo, I listen to music. I see flowers and nature, and people, and it is just wonderful!

3 - I didn't ask Jim to come home. This wasn't always easy. But I do know that it was right. I know that I will have to keep it this way if I ever hope that Jim will come to the realization that things need to change. I feel better. I am not hateful, resentful, or unhappy. We aren't fighting. The kids are calmer. I realized that I CAN raise the kids on my own and be okay.

4 - I was able to make peace with my Aunt Shelley. I got acceptance, relief, love. I helped heal one section of the family. The family can do things with my boys now which is wonderful. There isn't that fear of seeing her and not knowing why she couldn't forgive me. We all gained something wonderful from this.

5 - I have accepted that my life is okay the way it is. I have done enough. I am good enough. My life has been good enough. I have gained acceptance of myself. Respect for myself and the feeling of being okay inside and it is just a wonderful feeling! 8:41 PM

If I changed the negative behaviors, how would I do it, what payoff would I gain?

1 - I need to express what I want up front instead of expecting people to "know" what I want. I may think they should do this, but it isn't realistic or likely! Not everyone is like a woman! Especially, a man! I think if I did this I would have fewer disappointments. That in itself could be a good thing.

2 - Perhaps if I state what I want up front, I won't need to be fearful of rejection. It may happen, but if I just explain what I want, even if it isn't agreed with, everyone knows how we feel and the fear will probably not be there any more.

3 - I am improving at letting things go. I am finding life is too short and things just aren't worth it most of the time. This would bring less negative feelings and outcomes.

4 - Fighting. I need to learn how to fight/argue constructively. I need not ever do it in front of the children, which is hard as I am like a rocket when I get lit! Also, I need to not talk about the past. I need to state, again, up front what I want or expect. Perhaps then there would be less misunderstandings and arguments all together!

5 - I am presently changing this one by not asking Jim to come back home and letting him live with me. I am not arguing with him on the phone. It is not productive and things do not change. I am not letting him get to me. I am not giving in. The outcome is already more positive. I am more confident and calm. My children are calmer. I have far less stress and there is no fighting in this house. I want to keep it this way! J 8:50 PM

Not only am I worth the risk of these changes, but so are my children. I am afraid of losing the person I have spent so much of my life with, but I am not going to give into that fear any more. I deserve better than what he is willing to do for us. 8:54 PM

Nothing Changes 18 April 2006

Nothing Changes

Tuesday, April 18, 2006  8:40 PM

I talked to mom briefly today. She is spending a lot of time in the bathroom. She isn't sure what to do. She is having a lot of cramping like she did before when she went to the hospt. Bummer. They are putting down a green carpet in their bedroom and evidently had painted the room as well. I hope it fits.

Ian asked his dad to web cam him. After the other night when I got annoyed that he didn't say something about the final Elec bill I haven't talked to him. Nothing changes. I doubt it ever will. I got hopeful there for a moment. So, when he was talking to Ian he wanted to know why I wasn't talking to him. I pointed out the last conversation we had, that, as usual, he can't remember things he has said.

I just told him (Jim)  he was never going to change and I really had nothing to talk to him about any more. He said, "Well, punish me then." I told him he brought it on himself. I am not sure if his dad was in the room or not. I know he was at some point.

I need to get his presents ready to ship out for his birthday. As Ian said, You love him. Yes, I said but loving him and speaking to him are two different things! I don't like that Jim made comments to Ian about missing talking to me on the phone. I don't think he should draw the children in. I told Ian if Daddy said anything about mommy again to tell him he (Dad) had to talk to Mom about it.

The boys were enthralled with some pigeon egg they saved from falling out of the tree. It has kept them pretty engulfed. I was behind today getting up. I think I am pms-ing as I have been tired the last couple of days and was grouchy in class today and yesterday.

I am going off and either work on my books or Dr. Phil book.


Mommy loves you all. SM MacLeod J

Happy Easter to all! :)

Happy Easter to all! J

Sunday, April 16, 2006  
8:37 AM

These are photos from yesterday.

Eggs, eggs everywhere.

One son sticks around & the other is off with all his energy!

Yes, this is my daughter, but I have NO idea why she is looking like this!  :)


Web cam pic of me & Faith.

Last night Mom called me. They were putting my Aunt Shelley back in the hospital again. Pneumonia & a fever. My Uncle Jerry was going to cook a ham & turkey. So, he called mom & asked her if she would cook it & have everyone for dinner, so we are going to have lunch out there as well. Sad & yet nice too.

Last night I was putting candy in eggs & getting the kids' baskets ready. I woke up late this morning. Faith had gotten up in the middle of the night & couldn't get the door open. I woke every couple of hours after that. So, I got up later than I wanted to. I put Connor's Easter basket in the dryer, Ian's in the stove last night, I put Faith's in the flower bed & put the eggs around the yard.  :)

I didn't get a mile in this morning. Faith was awake & I woke the boys with a photo & Happy Easter.


They found their baskets & then we went to find Faith's. She is so snotty lately, trying to hit & calling her brothers "meany" whenever she thinks they are trying to do something to her. We collected eggs & every time her brother's got one she called them meany. Ugh.

After that they opened their eggs & looked in their baskets. The boys got airplane & helicopters that you shoot off; a toy that shoots balls and the other catches it with his catchy thing! (Don't you love tech talk!)  Faith got a pair of sunglasses (purple) & a cell phone with case. They all seemed to be very happy & Connor could tell me that Jesus was raised from the dead today as well!

We looked at Jim's e-cards and one from A Tess as well. Now everyone is doing their thing. Ian watching Corpse Bride, Connor building & I think Faith is with Ian. I am watching The Mummy & about to go eat! J

SM MacLeod

Jim called & I really had nothing to say. He thanked me for the Easter photos. He web cammed & briefly talked to the children. I didn't say much. Then I msn'd later & asked if he wanted to donate to the Elec bill esp since he stiffed me with it. No offers. Jerk.

The kids are in bed & I am signing off. SM MacLeod

We went out to my mum & dad's later in the day.



Faith is playing with Pest's toys - his is a chihuahua.

 

Inspecting fun things & bubble fun!

Checking out her basket of goodies with grandma.

John looking for things in the eggs. (Cousin)

 

Faith playing with her Great Uncle Jerry.  :)

Walking - 14 April 2006

Walking

Friday, April 14, 2006

Well, things are getting good in the 10,000 day step program! Today I have walked 10,171 steps! Yahoo! I walked 2 miles this am and yesterday am. I am getting there! I would like to get to 3 next week, but we'll see.

On the personal front Jim and I are on the outs again. He wanted me again last night, to ask him home, tell him I miss him etc. I went back to the where is the change and all the stuff you said was just words. To the past, him saying, no matter what I ever did it wasn't good enough. Maybe. He said then maybe you are going to lose me and I said, well maybe I will then. So, that was the end of a blah conversation.

He called today to thank me for and Easter e-card I set up to send him over a week ago. Forgot all about it! I sent Tess one and Aunt Rosie & Uncle Jim as well.

The kids are fine. We did have class today. We also colored Easter Eggs! They had fun. They are as colorful as the eggs!

And after a mix up with UPS I got my new camera and is it worth every penny! (That I have to pay!) They dropped it off across the street and down a house! Ugh. Anyway, got it, love it, and put the Kodak on ebay. Hopefully, I will get something for it.

Mom called. She sounds better. Back to 2 laps around her yard. I told her she will get back to her 5. She is just getting better! J Invited the kids and I out on Sunday afternoon. That should be fun! J

Well, I guess nothing else major. J Mommy loves you all! SM MacLeod J

An Ordinary Day :) - 12 April 2006

An Ordinary Day :)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006        5:17 PM

This morning was an odd one. I got up and walked. Played with the cats dragging yarn as I walked. They are so funny! Not just the kittens, but Poirot too!

The boys were still asleep after 7:30. Faith & I drove her "car" to wake them. Ian announced that they wanted to sleep today.

Well, I took them to Alameda Park. They have been bugging me about it. After that we got them a drink and breakfast burrito from Sonic or "Onic" as Faith calls it.

We then went and stopped by uncle Robert's to say hello. He is trying to get a job out of town. And he has to move the trailer out, so that won't work for Jim. Too bad too.

We went to the dollar store. They each got a toy. Connor got silly spray; Ian got a yo-yo; Faith got balloons. They are all around the house now.

We came home. I picked up and had lunch with Faith. The boys played, watched a bit of tv. We had dinner together. They are picking up the patio area. I am off to take a shower! J

Love you all. Mommy SM MacLeod J

Declaration of His Love

Tuesday, April 11, 2006   7:48 PM

Well, things have been a little strange. Mostly due to myself! I don't know why, but I sent Jim an e-mail about wanting me back. I was referring to his physical state and hoping I could get him into better shape. What I wasn't expecting was a phone call where he declared his love. That we were his family. That he would do whatever it took to come home. He e-mailed me and quite frankly for the first time in a long time I was terrified! I didn't know if I wanted him here. I didn't know if I wanted any man.

I knew there were a lot of reasons I was happy not having a man around. I didn't have to worry about sex pressure. I didn't have to worry about messing up for someone else. I didn't have to listen to someone else complain about me. About how I didn't raise my kids right. Perform right. Be perfect. I didn't have to chat about my bladder leakage. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. It freaked me out! And although I love Jim, I wasn't prepared for this. It really did scare me. Although I was able to tell him I did love him I couldn't tell him I wanted him here yet.

In fact by the next phone call, I told him I didn't want him living with me. He agreed and we talked about it a while and decided we did do well apart. He mentioned taking the kids and me getting a break. That he loved us and missed us. He wanted to live life. He wanted in my life. He didn't want to stay in bed any more. It was great, but it was also hard to believe. He choked up and I knew he meant what he said in the way we all do when we wish we could do things differently. I expressed several times over the next few days that I just couldn't take him on his word. And just when I thought we settled something he would then call again anxious and uncertain because I hadn't told him I wanted him back.

It is hard and complicated.

This evening things didn't go as well because he didn't hear, again, what he wanted to hear. Then things went sideways with his criticism. He talked about my not having compassion. Not wanting him. My being happy without him. It is not easy.

On the home front: The boys have started a new 3rd/4th grade workbook. They seem to like it. I like it. No papers to run off. When our Math book gets here we will be set. Today it went so fast they didn't even take a break! I don't expect it will happen too often! J

I have two new pen pals. One in the US and one in the UK. There is a nice lady from France who is writing to me - regular mail. It should be neat.  Chatted to Tess on the computer. Talked to my mom yesterday. She didn't sound too good. She wasn't too into doing anything for Easter and that is fine. Today, however, she called and said she rethought it. Tess said she seemed to be feeling better. So, we will have our Easter baskets and egg hunt here and then go out there (Dog Canyon) Sun afternoon. That should be good.

No word on how Aunt Shelley has been. No word on Mark Allen in AZ. I hope both are ok.

I finished my new picture frames of the boys when they were born. Faith is next. Then I am not sure what I will do. It is neat. What good are all the photos if no one ever sees them! So, I am making a collage in big picture frames. It is neat.

My sister hasn't gotten a job yet and it is concerning her at this point. I hope she gets something here soon.

Well, Jim is on the phone. Going to go. Love to my bugs! SM MacLeod J

Happier without You?

Happier without You?

Friday, April 07, 2006        8:23 PM

Today we had class. Friday! Papa stopped by to bring me the drill to borrow. Looked at what the kids were working on. Due to the wind he couldn't do his chimney and went home.

Just as we were getting ready to go to Kmart and pick up the boys' new meds, Jim called. I asked where he was last night. He was really taken aback. He said he was out and I asked if he had a date. He did! Her name is Heather, she has two kids. Why he would meet someone with kids I don't know. But I was going around saying daddy had a date....Ian thought it was neat and Connor was upset. He said he was married to me. He called Jim and said he didn't want him going out because he already has momma. Poor kid. Not sure how it will all unravel. Who knows! J He said he didn't kiss her. Said I was the only one he'd slept with on a first date! I am special after all! J

I was actually kind of excited for him. maybe that is a good sign.

Later when he and I web cammed he asked me to show him some skin! Augh. He said he was waiting for me to ask him to come home still. I said you just went out with Heather! He said he couldn't help it if he was still attracted to me. I told him I was happy and he said, without him? I gave him a list of why I was happy without him. No man in a bed, not wanting to watch the kids. Basically, all that I want from him he isn't willing to give. I told him if he wanted me bad enough, he would do something about it.

He looked a bit scruffy with his 3-day growth as he put it. I don't like it. But it doesn't matter!

The kids each got a water gun at Kmart and played this afternoon.

We had fish for dinner and the kids liked it. That is a nice change. I get to fix a lot more foods. J

I chatted with Tess on the computer a bit this evening. She is funny. J She makes me laugh.

I have an OB apt on the 20th! Yah!!!! The kids are in bed and I am about there! J SM MacLeod

Mom & Hospital - 6 April 2006

Mom & Hospital

April 06, 2006

I haven't been doing much writing. Time to catch up.

There was a problem with the doctor (sub) not doing anything to figure out what was going on with mom. Finally, Tess (Tonya) lost her temper and told him off. Finally, the next day she got some tests. The next day she got to go home. She was still hacking from the pneumonia, but a bit better. The bleeding was a bacterial infection. She is still worn out, but sounded less tired today. She said she had a 1/2 of energy! J

They also found out some of the meds she's been on yrs are interacting. Nice time to figure that out! I thought at the least the pharmacy should catch that stuff, esp with the computerized stuff.

My cousin Mark Allen is in AZ at the Mayo clinic. We hope to hear something concrete soon.

Last Thurs. Tess went with us to take me to the VA hospt, which was a waste of time as they didn't examine me at all and referred me elsewhere. It is a pain! Waste of time, gas & money & a school day! Augh!

Monday the boys & I went to Las Cruces. We went early this time. That gave us the chance to go to Big Lots beforehand. The kids got a few things, as did I. Then since Dr was behind, we went to lunch. He was still behind, but.....He was very happy with how the children were acting. Connor is staying on his meds & Ian has an increase .5 in the Risperdal & also going to try the dextroamphetamine that Connor is on.


 I am hoping it will help him focus as well. This week they are not on it as the pharmacy was out, and Connor is having the worst time focusing in class. Dr. Fiszbein was really pleased. We got done a lot faster & this time are having a phone apt on the 28th & he will mail the prescription. That will help him as well as us.

School....been fine except Connor's problem concentrating. Ian is struggling with reading. They are still having trouble with multiplication. I just have to find something to get it across. We'll keep at it. They are doing well with the geometry shapes. I never knew them! They will be good at that junk. Ugh for me!

We are doing a little Dr. Phil for responsibility etc. I hope it & doing some authentic self stuff will help with their self esteem & responsibility.

I created video shelves in the closet in the dining room. I am very happy. It took a lot of time & made a huge mess, but it is all picked up now and really nice. My clothes were displaced. Now I need to make something in my room, but Papa has to lend me his drill. Mine died working on the shelves. L I can't afford a new one.

Today we went to the Library's book sale, but we didn't leave with much. They didn't have but a few boxes for kids & nothing else interesting; mostly Fiction. We went to Hastings after that & it wasn't interesting either.

In class I read the boys a book about a mom rocking her boy. Connor cried. The poor kid. He is like his dad! Such a heart. JThe boys were building today. They got new nails at WM. J I was watching Faith hammering out the window. She was so cute. Tap, tap, tap. Then she would flip this little wood over and tap, tap, tap it through the other way. J Such a doll.

Dinner, pancake snack & a bit of picking up. They are watching tv for a bit & I need to get Faith ready for bed. J SM MacLeod J