November 30, 2005, 8:05 AM
Top 5 things I have failed to admit or acknowledge:
#1 I have no idea! Let see. Hmmmmmm.
I feel overwhelmed most of the time.
I feel trapped at times.
I feel like a failure.
I feel I do not accomplished as much as I should or could.
I want to feel better about my appearance.
I always want things I can’t have. (Esp. love)
I feel like I am growing old without accomplishing what I want!
I feel I lack patience I didn’t use to lack!
#2 “The Story I’ll Tell Myself if I Don’t Create Meaningful and Lasting Change After Reading and Studying This Book.”
“After reading and studying this book, I did not create meaningful and lasting change because….”
I am lazy. I am tired of coming up with ways to change. I have tried hard enough. There is no one to help me out. I would rather dream impossible dreams of what I want than to actually try and get some. I can’t figure out why I can never be happy so I go on just trying to make myself happy the way I always have.
No, Dr. Phil, it isn’t working!
Work book page 3
A quick self-check:
I’m capable of more than I am accomplishing.
I’m stuck in a rut and not getting what I want. (I am not sure if I know what I want.)
I’m bored with myself
I’m just “going through the motions” of my life with no passion, no plan, and no goal.
I’m living in a comfort zone that yields too little challenge and too little of what I do want, and too much of what I don’t want.
I’m suffering financial burdens I can’t handle. (Which I create and can’t control.)
Page 4/5
Chronology: The Story of My Life
Positive Age Negative
4 Upsetting uncle Robert
Moving back & forth Moving back and forth
Living on the farm in Utah 5 Nightmare
School recess Living at flea markets
Riding my bike in Montezuma (KS) 7-8
Changing schools-Kiowa
Leaving Eliz friends/schl
Moving to Dodge City
Trouble in school
Trouble with Sara
Trouble w Christina
The girl scouts
Trips to U Joe’s in Ulysses
Moving to trailer in DC
Feeling very alone here
My uncle Robert saying mean things @ me
Visits from family members/mom
Visiting mom for Easter w Tonya I didn’t want to come home and no one at home cared.
Being around other family
Going roller skating 10-12
Loving my Michael Jackson music 10-12
Recess 10-12 School - class
Friends Going to the Bazaars
Liking boys Liking boys
Spending summers with my cousin
Visiting my mom Devil worship/bad kids
Issues about my dad
Going places with my Aunt etc My aunt saying mom was just buying my love with her gifts.
10-12 Mom seeming to be annoyed by my presence
My moms smoking
Aunt getting me to talk to her about it and mom getting mad at me
Christmas 1981 my uncle John died of a heart attack. He and my aunt Anita went to check the neighbors place and on the way home he said he had heartburn. He took something and went to lay down. He had a heart attack. My grandfather, who lived with them at the time, tried to revive him and had to be pulled off by my Aunt Anita. He had a 2 yr old daughter. He’d been a lifer in the USN and was one of my favorite uncles. I had spent the summer before with them. My first funeral.
13 Moving to NM
Starting new school
Fighting w Joey & Robert
Spending more time w U Jerry & A Shelley
My A & Uncle moving out My A & Uncle moving out
Empty promises by my Uncle Jerry
Wearing my A Shelley’s clothes
Watching movies at U Jerry’s
My Grandpa living there.
My Aunt having Chris.
Being alone in the house to type, sing, do my music routines w baton.
Writing poetry.
Studying Vet Medicine Not too good in school.
Breaks and lunch Classes I wasn’t good at
Good friends who I spent time with her family (Before J moved out)
School selling, making hot dogs Sr. and Science! Ugh. L
Boyfriend for 1 week
Halloween and going w U Jerry, A Shelley, and taking care of Chris (schl)
Friend Rene (guy) and all my classmates really
Steve and I on the phone for a couple of weeks
U Jerry being a chaparone and tk class to Albuquerque for grad
He said I could buy anything (at mall) for my coming birthday
I bought sheet music from Julian Lennon’s Valotte. I still have it.
Graduated 8th grade speaking at mass. Yuck.
Singing in choir on Sundays until…..
I got George! A boom box I wanted and had until my 20’s! J
Birthday in the park with school friends.
Stopping attending church
Disappointing Gpa re church
School - socially classes I did bad in. Economics/Math
Visiting family members in KS/CO!
Liking David Richard Foster!
Walking to the hospital where my mom worked
My cousin Tamara Kaye moving in My cousin Tamara Kaye moving in
My mother going out and drinking
Moving to the country
My mother getting a boyfriend
My mother getting a boyfriend His youngest causing problems
His daughter and I became best friends forever.
Staying at their house on base.
We did everything together even drivers ed! They called us the door bell twins.
Still being best friends with Michelle
I liked dressing outrageous. This was the 80’s! I had hair 6 inches off my head. I would streak it black with my mascara and brush it out before my mother got home.
I convinced my mom to let me get a second ear piercing by convincing her to get one! J
Shelton - a friend across the road in Dog Canyon.
Kimiko a friend in Dog Canyon. They told her she way dying of Cancer. We took her to KS with us on a trip that summer. She and I fought. We stayed with a friend of my mom’s - a nursing friend as she had a reunion. I had a crush on the lady’s youngest son. They had 6 kids. But as always I never say what I want to say at the time!
Liking boys!
Bought 3 boys roses for Valentine’s day.
John Bowman - a boy who like me! - But like Jim and I, he & I never clicked at the right time. Michelle also had a crush on him.
He came to see me at Michelle’s on base one night. VERY cool! J
My mom breaking up with Al.
My mom being sad.
Mom finding a lump.
Same in school. I liked boys and social time.
Time with Michelle and her family.
My mom dating again. I refused to meet him.
My mom meeting Tony. He told her he was going to marry her when he met her. I said good for him, but I hadn’t met him. I am not sure how open I was really.
I nearly killed Tony, mom and Tonya. I din’t drive the best and almost got hit pulling out of White Sands Natl. Monument. I also discovered my eye problems that night. Got glasses shortly after. Which my aunt never thought I needed since when I was in the 4th grade I faked needing them to have glasses like my Uncle John.
I was close to all my family especially my uncles!
I used to walk my grandpa home next door after he’d have dinner over or visited. I loved that. I regretted not listening more to him. I was at that age, and always regretted that.
My Mom & Tony’s wedding.
My grandpa moving in.
Mom was moving to the UK with Tonya, I had one yr of HS left.
Jerry & Shelley lived next door.
I would live with my Grandpa, but my aunt, whom I was NOT getting along with again would have final say.
The day after my mother left my grandfather had to be taken to the hospital. I think he was waiting for my mom to get married. Here a lot of bad for me happened. My aunt had no compassion for my feelings, to me, during this time. My mom was gone. My other Aunts/Uncles were fighting with her during this time as well.
My teacher let me go see my Gpa at the hospital during my co-op and my aunt was NOT happy. I ignored her. My grandpa knew I was there. I told him he had to get better. “I’ll try,” he said, “I’ll try.” I stayed there the whole time. That evening when I left his eyes were looking heavenward. He was still breathing. I often wondered if he tried too hard. When I went home with my cousin Tamara Kaye to shower etc, we got the call not to come back because he’d passed away. I regretted not being there.
The second thing was that my grandfather had asked for my mom. I didn’t know; I wasn’t there when he did. I would have called my mom. I know when she found out it really tore her up. I always felt bad for her.
Things were worse then. Everyone converged on my mother’s house without permission to divvy things up. My aunt was annoyed because the night of my grandfather’s “wake” was a dance. I wanted to go and she didn’t want me to. Lucky for me, my mother called and I asked her. Still the top with permission. She said yes, so afterwards I went.
I stayed over at my Aunt Shirley and U Joe’s. My aunt thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t cry. (I didn’t cry until two years later when Natasha Yar died on Star Trek the Next Generation. Something about when she died and the message she left hit a cord.)
When my mother came home she was unhappy about several things I had been allowed to do and those I did on my own. I was angry at my aunt and her behavior. I blurted out that she had him buried before he died (My grandpa). I know now this was a horrible thing, but I felt like that then.
When my mother returned I was out of options. Live with my aunt or move to the UK. I was NOT happy nor was I helpful, kind, nice, or anything but a pain. I cried and cried and would end up moving to the UK after school was out. Until then I stayed in the house and my uncle kept an eye on me.
My mom & Tony went back to find a home and school. They wrote me letters and I wrote them. I didn’t fancy the idea of uniforms and little rock cottages. Now I would return in a heart beat!
When we moved to the UK I was a pain. But it didn’t take me long to move into a UK style of dress, write, listen to my music, meet friends in the park and have a boyfriend briefly. Jason Morgan. He met my folks, I said something really dumb trying to be funny. We talked a lot, but already I was talking of the US. I met his folks. But after a short time I didn’t hear from him or see him again. I think it got back about a comment of marriage. I expect that would terrify any boy at 16!
School was a new terror for me. However, I was somewhat of a phenomenon being American. I only had one run in with a girl that didn’t like me. I liked a boy named Andrew. I am afraid I was never too bashful when I liked someone. They usually knew it. He was a ham and had no real interest in me, although I’d say we were friends.
I cried the first day of school. I didn’t want to go. The shoes gave me tons of blisters! Ouch. School was better for me here. I liked it better. I excelled at things I was good at. The school worked with the US school so I would be able to graduate. It was fun picking out my own grades! They don’t grade the same way.
I was also a showoff. When I worked co-op I would go to the school in regular clothes which wasn’t allowed since we wore uniforms. Skirts, white shirts, sweater, tie. So, I got to show off my American look.
I worked at the RSPCA (pound) for quite a time. I fed, cleaned, and loved them. I wanted a dog and found a long haired Collie. My mom liked them and I had hoped she would let me have it. When I convinced them, the dog was gone the next day. I had gotten my parents there and I was crushed. Then I found Merlin. A new pup that was part German Shepard and part Lab. I wanted him. My parents surprised me when I came home. They had gotten him for me! I had fights with my dad about him. He barked at night out in his pen. I didn’t walk him enough. He threatened several times to take him away.
Ater working there I changed to a job in another town working at a school for special needs children. I mostly worked with Down’s children. I had a favorite that didn’t talk. He didn’t have Down’s. I am not sure what. Thomas was his name. Then there was a chubby little Down’s boy names James. He was a sweetie.
When we lived in Penny-Lane Rd my mom and I butt heads. Tony would ask me what I wanted to be and I didn’t know. I knew before like in the 8th grade. But not here and not any more. I wanted to be a housewife. If was common here. I wanted to be a mom. Maybe that is why I want to go back. It is accepted, my life style. It is not uncommon. It is supported and I would have friends. Here I am isolated. Alone.
When we moved to the cottage things got worse with my mother. When I confided in Tony he told my mother that he thought I was trying to come between them. I felt betrayed. I simply wanted someone to talk to. My mother and I eventually concluded that I would move out right after graduation. We just couldn’t get along.
We traveled to see my Grandmum a lot and my other relatives. I got close to my cousin Christine. She is also my dad’s Goddaughter.
I loves WH Smith’s. I loved food from there. I loved the life style. It took me a while, but I did.
I colored by hair red for the first time. They sold packets at the chemist. I’ve been doing it ever since!
I thought about becoming a Nanny for some time. I could go different places and have children around.
I was and had been writing the story I still try to work on. I was reclusive. I preferred it this way. I had my friends and I did things with them, hung out at school, etc. The older I got the less I did with my family.
My family and I went to London. I took the ASVAB test to possibly join the USN. The recruiter made me uncomfortable the whole time I was with him. I just wanted to get away from him. I did well on the test, but this guy was promising me jobs before he even knew the results. Then after we, including my mother, told him I wasn’t joining he kept calling and harassing us. He kept calling saying when I was going in. Ugh.
In May I returned to stay with my Aunt Joey’s. I had to attend the last month so that I could graduate. As usual I was isolated. I felt out of place. I hated the counselor that I had to deal with. The good part was seeing the few friends that I had known for a really long time. I hang out with Jenice. Graduating was good. I did talk to the recruiter here, but didn’t go in. And my aunt spoiled me like she always had. She had a bunch of things for me that she would keep until we moved back.
Tonya was not doing well there, though. She was depressed. Children treated her badly. I think it was because she was much shier. She did well in their schooling as well. Taking French and German at the same time, learning to play the flute. We watched tv together and played games etc. But at school, socially she wasn’t doing well. My age of friends were more friendly with her. She was also outgrowing me by the age of 10 physically. She hated it and I felt bad for her. Joey and Robert were coming and they were going to take her back with them. I didn’t like this.
When they came things were not any different. I was not happy that they were there. I was not happy they were taking my sister. I was miserable when they were there. My aunt got mad when I was willing to sell a typewriter I had gotten for the last Christmas for money for the next Christmas.
Were wasn’t much more after that. We were getting ready to move to the US.
My dad carved a pumpkin with me for the first time. I was having chronic yeast infections. I could no longer wear jeans. My mom was already feeling alone. My dad rarely took her out. She felt sad and lonely. The effects on my mother wasn’t the same. She felt isolated and lonely there, even when she worked. For me it seemed to be the opposite. Like her, though I loved the castles. We went to a lot of awesome places. And a family joke came about from these trips. My folks were going somewhere and I asked where since I didn’t want to go. My dad said to see some ducks. It turned out it was an animal place with a lot of different types of birds. Now, every year I get my dad something with a Duck on it for Christmas!
When we returned things weren’t too great. I started college, but it wasn’t for me. I trained to work for an insurance company, but I didn’t do that too long. I joined the Navy. I didn’t get the job I wanted. (Things you don’t know you can do or say until afterwards. It sucks.) I passed everything. After a bit of time everyone went down to El Paso, MEPS where I would join, officially. My aunt Joey and U Robert, Jerry, Shelley, Chris, Joe, My sister, mom and dad. And I had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that I didn’t want to do this. I wanted out. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t. It is a bad habit of mine. I don’t listen to my own instincts for fear of disappointing others.
I was sworn in and I WAS proud. Boot camp was no joy. It was emotional as it is supposed to be. I made some friends and I learned quickly to beat the game. I got up before everyone else to help those that were behind. I never fell out of my runs so I wouldn’t get cycled. My CC was strict and reminded me of my mom. I wanted to please her. I worked hard. I got sick every morning before my run. Nerves. The run killed me. But I never fell out.
The only time I got cycled were two times and it was the whole unit that got cycled. During one I got an injured knee. I was put on some nice big pills, but I didn’t want thrown out. I went to church. I cried a lot. I wrote a lot of letters. My A Joey wrote me every day. I loved to march. I still can march good! Getting out was probably a mistake.
When I found out I would not get to go home like everyone else after boot camp I was not happy. The job I chose meant that I had to go to apprenticeship training afterwards. I was going to be an Ordinance man. Can you see it?
We got to make regular calls home. One time I blanked my mom’s phone number. I called my Aunt Shirley. I was upset since my time was dwindling. I used to do this in school. I would get to my locker and just space the combination. I have no idea why. It was freaky in school.
My aunt was able to come out for my Graduation. I was happy and excited. I got to spend the first and last day with her. I was glad she got to come. I wish my mom could have seen me. A Joey video taped everything, however. We had a good time together.
After this I moved from the boot camp barracks to where I would attend Apprenticeship Training. I wasn’t too bad in this. Due to mosquito problems exercise was banned on the base, which meant I would get through the physical part without the physical part. That was always the problem area.
I leaned when I had hands on training I did better than from a book. I passed school fine. I made friends and this was a bit freer. My bunkmate was from my boot camp company and she and I would stay in a hotel on weekends we had no duty on. We ate nasty Dominos pizza and watched tv.
There was a girl that looked similar to me from my company. She and her boyfriend split and I got a bit of his attention. It was nice, but I felt bad for her. I just expected it was due to our looking a lot alike.
There were two distinct things I remember besides cleaning the room of the watch officer down stairs. While I was on watch at the podium downstairs. Someone came in and showed me their ID badge. Then he asked me for his name, then his date of birth. They were things we were to check for. I was so surprised I told him without a doubt. It was wild. He was pleased and so was I! I did good!
The second was when I was standing watch in our room. I was freaked out when I walked a check in the TV room. I flipped on the lights. There was a guy in there with a girl. I gave them a warning if they got caught…. Then I knew this. If I let them in there and they got caught, that meant I wasn’t doing my job. If I told, that could mean a not so great thing for me living there. Well, I had warned them. Then I went down and told the duty officer. I had to cover my job. I did my job. The girl wasn’t too pleased the next day. There was a little grumbling, but nothing major. All got on with life.
After graduating from there I got 30 days leave to spend at home. After I got home, I didn’t want to go back. I was miserable. It was like a count down. I do this even now. I can’t enjoy something if I know it will end and I will go back to something I don’t want.
When my mom took me to the airport I lay my head on her knee and I cried like a baby. I never wanted to go. My mother said she missed me too. I sometimes think this was because I was so family oriented that I just didn’t know how to exist without them being around me. Someone.
I arrived in San Diego. I did my deal, getting checked in. Then I called my mom on a payphone and I cried. I went to the church and I cried. I went to the squadron and checked in. My first shock and upset was that I was not at a fixed-wing squadron. It was a helicopter squadron. I was not a happy camper.
I would return on Monday. I hardly ate for 3 days. Then I tried to get out. My mom, who wasn’t in the best of health sent letters requesting I come home to care for her. But I had a boss that I liked and he convinced me otherwise. I don’t think I ever regretted listing to Lt. Boyle. I could go to college, have the job I wanted after just a short time. He was right there.
I worked in 1st Lt. I cleaned and I ran the snack area. Fun. I did this for 6 months. The major thing in my life wasn’t toilet cleaning or snack running, which I hated since I am lousy at counting money. It was a young man named Richard Joseph LaChance. The only one I still think about and wonder what became of him. He had black hair and beautiful blue eyes. He also looked good in eyeliner which I usually get ribbed for. But he was a doll. I fell hard for him.
I went out on a date with a guy named Tim. I went because I was jealous. I saw Rich get into a car with a girl. Later to know, with all stupid human things, it was his best friends’ sister and no interest to him.
Well, I went out with Tim. He came to my room, I changed (I had been on watch) and we went to the movies. He complained about the price. He was just an odd ball. We went back to his apartment. Rich was his room mate. You will never know just how much I wish Rich came home that night. It would have saved me so much.
We ate a bit. When things were moving in a way I wasn’t comfortable, I told him I liked him, but I didn’t want to BE with him in that way. He was pushing me. I was afraid. So many times I wish I had just walked out of the apartment, but I didn’t. I was in a new place. I didn’t know where I was or how to get anywhere, but I still, to this day wish I had! He pressured. I told him again. In the end it didn’t help. My first time was with someone I hardly knew; I didn’t love; I wasn’t in love with; and I wasn’t happy. The next day he dropped me off. We had to be at a Safety thing and when I saw Rich I felt guilty! Imagine. I did though.
My life turned to fear when I thought I was pregnant. Joy. I was on birth control, but I kept getting sick. It turned out I did this for several months. They eventually changed by bc. I drank cranberry juice like soda.
When I wasn’t working I would train with a friend in the AK shop. Aviation Storekeeper. They ordered parts, kept track of them, located them, called detachments overseas, handed out supplies to people like boots, coveralls, pens, etc. I always did love that.
Christmas. The squadron party. It was great. I was having a great time. And then there was Rich. And that could only make it even better…….
When you are a little girl did you ever what that special man to say something in particular to you. Then you’d know? Like a princess with her price charming? Well, for me it was apples. The smell of apples.
Rich was experienced probably more than even I want to know. I was a girl who never had a boyfriend. I was stood up for a spring formal. My cousin stood me up for prom. I had so many friends I couldn’t get a date. They didn’t think of me that way. I was “cute”. I’d heard it all.
Rich and I were out on the patio. He kissed me and I eagerly kissed back. He laughed. It wasn’t a condescending laugh. More of, well, the writer in me can’t think of the way to say it. When he held me up to him he said, “Your hair smells like apples.” My heart leaped. No one ever has said it since. I expect it wouldn’t be the same.
Rich and I were in the back sear of his best friend Scott’s car. I’d say Scott and I were friends enough as well. But he also knew about Tim and I, just as I am sure Rich did. He asked about it. Rich took his hand and turned my face to him and said, “Don’t worry about it. You’re with me now.” Ever have that place you never want to leave? I have only felt it one time since.
Well, with Rich as with all things amusing, things went wrong. My glasses were so new they were a tug. My shirt was safety pinned together. Something I recommend all girls to do when they are around a sailor!
I guess all got there eventually. Two steps down to a king size waterbed. Some lessons from him and a giddy me. He played his music and eventually told my gabby, giggly self to hush and go to sleep! After this long, of course I know for some reason sex wakes me up! Well, you can’t win them all. From that day forward I listened to Journey and think of Rich.
After this was a bit heart breaking. “I can’t be held accountable for what I do when I’ve been drinking”. That is the way it came out to a friend, Ricki, when she inquired about it. A one night stand.
But I didn’t stop being in love with him. I didn’t give up either. I am a bit persistent that way!
Life went on, work went on. I went on. I went to parties at friends’ houses.
At one party my friend Ricki was there with her usual drama in regards to men. She was being spastic due to a guy, Paul Carlson, who she dated briefly. Well, he still liked her and wouldn’t leave her alone although she was with someone new. But with her it is a drama.
Rich was there. We were talking outside together. It was the first time we just talked. I found out he lost his virginity to his 8th grade teacher. (Ugh.) I remember he seemed sad. One was sitting on a table, the other standing. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He said, “Yes, but”…. I asked what. He said he did, but because of last time. I asked if he was drunk. He said no. I said, “Well, what if I want to go home with you?” That was okay. And yet it would be a time that due to circumstances and time it never would happen. And it was one of those things you often look back on and wonder. Think about. We were going home together. And if the irony doesn’t get much worse, /Tim was driving us along with taking Ricki back to the base. She asked him if he knew what he was doing. He said he did. We were happy, for a fleeting moment.
Then she was crying and upset. He said, “Maybe you better go with her.” And that was that. I took her home. Stayed in her room. She thanked me. I told her to JUST GO TO SLEEP RICKI. I wasn’t really thrilled.
I had Rich’s leather jacket. I still have the pictures of it on my bed. He came by and read some of my poetry about him. That was the end of that time.
Rich broach
Rich my engagement.
